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leggomyeggshell
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« on: April 30, 2017, 10:01:24 PM »

Hello, I guess I will post one here.  What does someone do with these people?  Somehow I got caught up with a pwBPD and feel like my whole life is being wasted.  When we were first together things seemed like they would be average/normal, fast forward ten years and I'm now the sole breadwinner, caretaker of our three year old, only person who does anything productive.  She sleeps in until around 1-3 pm everyday, posts on Facebook all day when she is awake (where she portrays herself as some kind of hero or savior of other "victims" like herself), when she is upset which is pretty much always, she has our daughter watch the iPad all day to leave her alone, does little or nothing of substance around the house, and god forbid if I mention any improvement on her part then she holes up for days on end whining about how mistreated she is.  Id be able to make better choices for our family she has abandoned but as a major control freak she blocks me at every turn, throwing massive temper tantrums if I make a decision she doesn't agree with.  I don't have that much time to deal with her as I'm tied up with work and being the main caregiver for a toddler, which takes way more time than one would ever think.  I want her to leave to go live in a home or at her moms so we can get on with life while she wrestles with these issues, but she insists that if she leaves she is taking our daughter with her, that has been her blackmail tool.  I've tried validating but it's just a waste of everyone's time, she will never improve and just keeps getting us stuck on irrelevant issues.  Am I missing something obvious, what should I do?
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stayingsteady
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 58


« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2017, 12:08:24 AM »

Hey leggomyeggshell,

I'm sorry to hear your dealing with this.  It sounds like you've been working on improving your actions in the relationship (through validation), yet aren't able to see any true benefit because of it.  Being busy every day would just make things that much more difficult.

I'm not sure if this will help, but I learned a behavioral technique a bit back that could give you the aid you may need.  The behavioral technique was designed for a different environment so you may want to take it with a grain of salt.  If you do choose to use it, it's extremely important to use it with a caring heart.  Otherwise it could go sour rather fast. 

It follows a few basic steps:

1.  You inform the individual of the issue and how it's affecting the family.
2.  You allow the individual the opportunity to choose a way of correcting the issue on their own.
3.  If the individual chooses not to make a choice, you give them a few options.
4.  If, after making agreement, the individual fails to follow through, you correct the issue on your own in a way that allows natural consequences to exist.

An example of this could be as follows:

(1)  "I'm really worried about the house chores piling up.  When the house is dirty it can really affect our ability to relax comfortably.  (2) Do you have any ideas on how we could improve the home environment?"

(3) "We could hire a house maid.  We could share the chores (keeping in mind working is a chore of its own).  We could begin trying to pick up after ourselves.  Any option is fine."

(4 - If not followed through) One option might be to hire someone to clean your house once a week.  It would be important to allow a natural consequence to come with it.  This natural consequence could be using certain funds to pay for it (such as weekly spending money).

This technique has been rather successful in other settings for a few decades now.  Again, every situation is different and it may not be of use to you, but I wanted to share it just in case.  Hopefully there might be some small snippet that can help.

Hoping the best for you,

- Staying Steady
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leggomyeggshell
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Gender: Male
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Posts: 67


« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2017, 12:32:48 AM »

Thank you for the reply.  I will definitely try the approach you outlined.  I guess I feel that I don't really have the control in the relationship that I should have, despite being more "productive".  I feel like if we had this conversation, after getting the first sentence or two out that she would shut me down from talking any further, then I am powerless to enforce any kind of consequence.  I feel like every time there is a conflict it is like playing a game of "chicken" where the first person to turn the wheel loses... .and because I am not suicidal, I will always turn the wheel first, and lose, and she knows this, and can always win.  So I can't enforce a boundary.
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stayingsteady
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 58


« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2017, 11:28:44 PM »

Leggomyeggshell,

I know exactly what you're talking about.  It's a rough spot and what you stated is a definite possibility.

Another option is removal of reinforcements.  This can be done quietly and discretely, so it may be a better approach in this situation.  It's important to note, however, that when these reinforcements are removed, you will most likely experience escalated behaviors.  This is because the other person will be (unconsciously) trying everything in their arsenal to get back the reinforcement that had been removed, so just be careful.  To minimize the likelihood, and the intensity, of these behaviors it's best to also use empathy, positive behavior reinforcement and validation - a few of the tools in our arsenal ; )

I actually used this approach with my wife.  It was actually working.  Unfortunately I didn't realize she was exhibiting BPD type symptoms at the time.  Because of this, I didn't decrease the likelihood of escalated behaviors and she was constantly in a high emotional state.  Eventually a trigger occurred, and things became extremely chaotic.  This technique can work really well, just be sure to use "those tools in our arsenal" to try to minimize the escalated behavioral state.  And try to do it with the right heart.  A desire to help and not to harm.

Every behavior every person does has a reinforcement of some kind.  The reinforcement is the reason we do it.  Some examples of reinforcements are:

1.  Escaping and/or avoiding an undesired task.  This is what's occurring when she shuts you down before you can talk to her about situations.  Her reinforcement is the fact that she didn't have to deal with something she didn't want to deal with.  This is also what's occurring when she doesn't work both outside, and inside, of the house.  Her reinforcement again is avoiding something she didn't want to deal with (in this case, work).  Avoidance of child rearing, sleeping in till 1-3, and use of your daughter to avoid leaving the home, could also go here.

2.  Receiving something tangible.  Even though she doesn't work, she still receives food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and etc.  These are all additional tangible reinforcements she receives.

3.  Receiving something intangible.  This would include things like living in a clean house and receiving a feeling of being a hero on Facebook.

Removal of Reinforcements - Both reinforcements, and avenues to receive the reinforcement, can be removed:

Removal can be done in a way that minimizes the effects it causes to you.  Some examples of this would be:

1.  Cleaning, and taking care of, those items that mean most to you, and avoiding those that mean most to her.

2.  Using budgeting.  Budgeting is an excellent tool that can help reorganize how everything is paid for.  We get to choose where we put every dollar we make.  If your wife chooses to join you in budgeting that's great! However if she chooses not to, that's okay too.  You would have complete say in where each dollar goes.

There are others as well... .  It's usually best to go slow, removing one reinforcement at a time (if possible -there are situations where more than one may be needed).  Taking it slow can also minimize the effects of the increased emotional state.


Other key notes:

Ultra important! - When this approach is used, it's extremely important to allow your wife to choose to take part in making decisions together.  this helps the relationship grow stronger.  It also allows your wife to receive reinforcements in socially acceptable ways.

Remember to use this approach with a caring heart.

Hope this helps,

- Staying Steady
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