Girlfriend with BPD just left me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I hope someone can help me.
 
I met my ex-girlfriend with BPD following a previous relationship where I was abused emotionally and physically, and cheated on. She told me right away that she had BPD, but it didn't matter to me as I felt that I had already survived the worst relationship that I would ever face, and still suffering the effects and emotional damage that this relationship had left me with. So it sounds cheesy, but I felt that we could heal each other. We had a lot of similar interests and our friendship naturally turned into a relationship that felt safe, warm and loving.

But then I started to notice that she would blow hot and cold with me quite often, and arguments began to surface as they do in any relationship. I'm a highly emotional and sensitive person who puts 110% into a relationship and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve, which is both my biggest asset and my biggest flaw as in arguments, I become so frustrated and hurt that I stupidly say the wrong thing.
When this occurred, I would make every effort to apologise and talk it out, but she would give me the silent treatment. I would have to go through a full day at work checking my phone, wondering why she hadn't text me and feeling completely lost.

We almost broke up a few weeks ago, but she changed her mind and we both agreed to 'meet in the middle' with our emotional states. Sadly, this wasn't meant to be.

We argued again and she got her friends involved. Now she's cut all contact with me. She's deleted our relationship, blocked me on messenger but is still my 'friend' on social media.
I just feel grief-stricken because of all of this, and because we had so much in common I feel like I've lost two people - my girlfriend and my best friend. Her friends probably hate me and think that I'm the bad guy, but I don't think I did anything so bad that it deserves this kind of treatment. Yes I'm a drama queen sometimes and a pain in the ass, but I really adored her and did everything I possibly could to make her feel special and wanted. I don't know if she'll speak to me again and I'm driving myself crazy checking her profile. I haven't had any form of closure and it's breaking my heart.
I saw that she had gone out with friends and looked really happy after she left me, so I did the same with mine and while it was nice to drink and forget about things for a while, I just broke down by the end of the night.
I'm just finding this all very hard and I'm not sure how to cope with it. Any advice you guys could give me would be really appreciated.

Thanks

[guitargirl]

I hope someone can help me.
 
I met my ex-girlfriend with BPD following a previous relationship where I was abused emotionally and physically, and cheated on. She told me right away that she had BPD, but it didn't matter to me as I felt that I had already survived the worst relationship that I would ever face, and still suffering the effects and emotional damage that this relationship had left me with. So it sounds cheesy, but I felt that we could heal each other. We had a lot of similar interests and our friendship naturally turned into a relationship that felt safe, warm and loving.

But then I started to notice that she would blow hot and cold with me quite often, and arguments began to surface as they do in any relationship. I'm a highly emotional and sensitive person who puts 110% into a relationship and I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve, which is both my biggest asset and my biggest flaw as in arguments, I become so frustrated and hurt that I stupidly say the wrong thing.
When this occurred, I would make every effort to apologise and talk it out, but she would give me the silent treatment. I would have to go through a full day at work checking my phone, wondering why she hadn't text me and feeling completely lost.

We almost broke up a few weeks ago, but she changed her mind and we both agreed to 'meet in the middle' with our emotional states. Sadly, this wasn't meant to be.

We argued again and she got her friends involved. Now she's cut all contact with me. She's deleted our relationship, blocked me on messenger but is still my 'friend' on social media.
I just feel grief-stricken because of all of this, and because we had so much in common I feel like I've lost two people - my girlfriend and my best friend. Her friends probably hate me and think that I'm the bad guy, but I don't think I did anything so bad that it deserves this kind of treatment. Yes I'm a drama queen sometimes and a pain in the ass, but I really adored her and did everything I possibly could to make her feel special and wanted. I don't know if she'll speak to me again and I'm driving myself crazy checking her profile. I haven't had any form of closure and it's breaking my heart.
I saw that she had gone out with friends and looked really happy after she left me, so I did the same with mine and while it was nice to drink and forget about things for a while, I just broke down by the end of the night.
I'm just finding this all very hard and I'm not sure how to cope with it. Any advice you guys could give me would be really appreciated.

Thanks

[Idsrvt2]

Welcome to the group, what I have found to help is posting here where others understand.   I will be just two months out on the 3rd of this month. It feels like just yesterday that the huge blow out happened. 
Mine got a protection order falsely against me... .it's been the worst breakup to date for me.

I also feel like I lost two people as I felt very comfy with them and told them stuff I haven't told anyone... .
They did this to me when I was and am already dealing with difficult stuff in my life... .mine asked me to move in and I thought I found the one.

I had no closure either ... it's part of the disorder as they cut and run . They are unable to form healthy bonds with anyone.

I'm still devestated today and I don't go a day without thinking of them.
Sorry I don't have much else to say as I'm still pretty new to this as well

[Mutt]

Hi guitargirl,  



I'd like to join Idsrvt2 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this, a relationship break-up with a pwBPD is really hard but know that you don't have to go through this alone. It helps to talk to others that can relate with you, I liked your comment about healing each other, I felt the same way with gf's, I'd rescue them with that thought in mind. I just have a question for you, I read triangulation in your post ex > friends > you makes a triangle, I know how invalidating that feels, you'll find the lessons to the right side of the board

[guitargirl]

Not having closure is the hardest part of it for me. Breakups are hard in general, but if it fizzles out naturally or if something bad happens (cheating, abuse etc) then at least there's something very final about it.

With this it just feels like, I've annoyed her in a few arguments and so now I'm dead to her. It's a very severe reaction and I feel so sad that she hates me just like that when she was supposed to be in love with me weeks before. How can she just switch off like that? I can't understand it.

I'm sorry that you have been through it too. I know that there's no magic cure for this but I feel so lost and being around people that understand is some comfort at least.

[Mutt]

Hi guitargirl,

I completely understand how distressing not getting closure is, I also found that to be one of the most difficult parts of grieving when I arrived on this forum, you'll find that many members will relate with that. You can give closure to yourself.

With this it just feels like, I've annoyed her in a few arguments and so now I'm dead to her

Rigid thought patterns and splitting are features of the disorder, when a pwBPD are anxious / stressed a primitive defense mechanism takes effect to protect their ego, the disorder is triggered by emotional intimacy. Here's another way of looking at being dead to her in her mind, a pwBPD split the ones that they care about the most.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[guitargirl]

Thanks Mutt

I read up on Splitting and that really makes a lot of sense. I was her 'good guy' and now I'm suddenly the 'bad guy.' It's so extreme to just cut me out of her life. If I had cheated or hurt her to the point of no return, then she would have every right to discard me and never speak to me again. But honestly, I said some dumb things in arguments that I wish I could take back but I can't. I'm human, I'm not perfect. It didn't mean that I loved her any less.

And you mentioned Triangulation earlier - that's very accurate. Our last argument and break up was due to her best friend being involved in every aspect of our life. She has a close circle of friends and that's fine, but she's used her best friend to add more fuel to the fire. And my anger towards that has painted me in the bad light. My ex has completely cut me out and her friends are likely on her wave of thinking that it's me. I'm the unreasonable one, the over dramatic one, the over sensitive one.

[Idsrvt2]

Guitargirl, same here it's like we all went out with the same people.  Just remember they pushed our buttons and that is why we said what we did in arguments,
I told my x I would report him to his work for his erratic behaviour and called him a rapist as I felt he had violated me as we had just been intimate and he dumped me... ,I regret my words , but I didn't just say them out of the blue.

I do not regret telling his momenhe needs help... .he saw that as harassment.   

I was also triangulated with his family... .I never met them yet that didn't stop him from telling me how his sister thought I was not good for him, the niece felt I would become addicted to him and the brother in law felt at date four I should have sex with him.   The family was always mentioned.

I was supposed to meet them all this month... .that won't happen.   

Again I'm sorry you are going thru all this