on the edge

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last year I just about ditched all contact to Friend as he seemed beyond all self control, drank like a fish and was just unpleasant. It was good for me to some extent and I was able to build up a bit of a life for myself. The physical distance helped too. However, I still tried to facilitate his going into alcohol therapy... .and he did. His condition improved and we had more contact, on a (for me) much more honest level. I was also able to persuade him to move back, away from the extremely bad influences. I put in effort and money and it seems to be paying off. He starts a new job soon, and seems to have found a girlfriend. He seems pretty stable, quite happy and is pleasant and caring towards me.
Everything I want, eh? Everything I was working for? Yes, that is the one side. But there is the other. I may be afraid... I just don't know, but half the time I don't want him to have a relationship. I feel pretty ashamed about it. I shouldn't feel like that. I keep telling myself he is not going away, that she will be another contact for me, that my family will grow because of her... but it is not so easy. It is so obvious that I am on the edge... .on the one side sense and logic and friendly feelings, on the other being a victim, feeling sorry for myself, and clutching a kind of relationship I didn't really want but which helped me through a bad time. I can't get any conclusions out of this yet... .just have to be aware and keep going. I don't want to let either him or myself down. Hope it is only fear and that I can deal with it.

[foggydew]

Last year I just about ditched all contact to Friend as he seemed beyond all self control, drank like a fish and was just unpleasant. It was good for me to some extent and I was able to build up a bit of a life for myself. The physical distance helped too. However, I still tried to facilitate his going into alcohol therapy... .and he did. His condition improved and we had more contact, on a (for me) much more honest level. I was also able to persuade him to move back, away from the extremely bad influences. I put in effort and money and it seems to be paying off. He starts a new job soon, and seems to have found a girlfriend. He seems pretty stable, quite happy and is pleasant and caring towards me.
Everything I want, eh? Everything I was working for? Yes, that is the one side. But there is the other. I may be afraid... I just don't know, but half the time I don't want him to have a relationship. I feel pretty ashamed about it. I shouldn't feel like that. I keep telling myself he is not going away, that she will be another contact for me, that my family will grow because of her... but it is not so easy. It is so obvious that I am on the edge... .on the one side sense and logic and friendly feelings, on the other being a victim, feeling sorry for myself, and clutching a kind of relationship I didn't really want but which helped me through a bad time. I can't get any conclusions out of this yet... .just have to be aware and keep going. I don't want to let either him or myself down. Hope it is only fear and that I can deal with it.

[Mutt]

Hi foggydew,

It is so obvious that I am on the edge... .on the one side sense and logic and friendly feelings, on the other being a victim, feeling sorry for myself, and clutching a kind of relationship I didn't really want but which helped me through a bad time.

I think that you're talking about loyalty, you did a lot for your friend, are you afraid that they're not going to reciprocate the same loyalty that you've given to them as a friend? Said in a different way, do you feel that you'll lose their loyalty to this other friend? You're thread title says on the edge, do you feel anxiety?

[foggydew]

Thanks for replying, Mutt. Yes, I am afraid I will be ignored, left out, abused and lose a friend again. Be alone again with no family to speak of. Lose our close relationship. Feel jealous. Not feelings I have usually had in my life, but they have often come in connection with him. His occasional girlfriends have sometimes seen me as the reason for their problems in the relationship with him... .it was truly not the case. If I have plenty to do and am involved in other things it is OK... but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to build up a good support group. And now his new girlfriend (he says he is in love) even goes to the few places I go for contact. Just don't know how to deal with this. I have to work on myself somehow.

[Mutt]

Hi foggydew,

His occasional girlfriends have sometimes seen me as the reason for their problems in the relationship with him

I have to work on myself somehow.

Do you think that this belongs to them? It sounds to me like they're jealous.

[foggydew]

They were, they were ... .but nothing was going on; we were friends at that time and it was nothing to do with me that he didn't contact them. He was doing the push - pull but they thought it was because of me. I fell over backwards trying to convince them that he didn't care about me.I might have wished it was, but that was not the reality. His push pull and occasional abuse is very good at causing insecurity.
I am a kind of caretaker and I know this, realise the dangers and am trying my best to cope.Im neither looking for sympathy nor blame, but I really do want to grow and be above these things. Although in many ways I have been a victim in my life, most of the time I didn't realise it and I don't want the 'poor me' stuff. I was in general able to stand above it and do and be what I wanted. I want this back.

[heartandwhole]

I was in general able to stand above it and do and be what I wanted. I want this back.

Hi foggydew,

You might be able to get this back by being present with your current feelings as much as you can. If you are anything like me, it's uncomfortable, but the willingness to be with whatever comes up is like a signal to yourself that you care about you. It might sound weird, but I think there are parts of ourselves that we ignore and when we pay attention and accept what is there, however painful or uncomfortable it may feel, something inside opens up more and more, and we begin to know what right action means for us as we go through the world.

Accepting doesn't mean approving, either. It just means being present and holding a kind of welcoming space for all parts of ourselves. This is not easy for me to do, but I thought it might be helpful to mention. 

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Thanks, HaW, that was really helpful, and, as you said it, I looked back over the past few days. I have been really nervous about him starting this relationship, and laid down a few rules - that I don't want to meet her till she feels safe with him, that he doesn't tell me intimate details, that I don't want to meet them when I go out. And he has responded by being very caring, spending a lot of time with me, trying to be open, not being abusive. Including me, showing that I am part of his life. And I realised that it is so important to me because he is the only person who seems to care, who shows me I am important. I know other people, of course, but they treat me as an acquaintance. I began to feel much more secure and almost normal again. Yes, the other feelings are there in the background, but I think they become manageable when I accept that they exist - maybe one day I can laugh about them. The world seems to have opened up a crack.

[foggydew]

I don't know why, I'm so lonely, even though he comes and talks and includes me sometimes. Then goes away, and I'm alone. No matter what I do, I'm alone. I go out. People like me. Sometimes they talk to me. There isn't even anyone more I can say this to. Only here. I always had friends, one or two close ones. Buth things change. And whatever I do, he remains the focal point. Because there is really no one else.

[heartandwhole]

foggydew,

   I hear you, and I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely. I remember a few years ago, saying to a friend that I was tired of doing everything alone. Taking trips, going to museums, the park, etc. I did plenty with friends, but I also did a lot alone—and I was just fed up with it.

And whatever I do, he remains the focal point. Because there is really no one else.

Really no one else who cares like he does? No one else who consistently reaches out? Sounds like there is something there to dig into... .?

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Thanks, Heartandwhole. I had a pretty bad couple of days, and felt really very depressed. If it weren't for Friend, I could really die here and no-one would find me for a week or so. People in my circle of acquaintances and relatives-by-marriage don't reach out. The problem with feeling depressed is that you have difficulty doing the reaching yourself. I did manage to push myself out and found some contact and had some nice talks which helped me over. Today Friend spent most of the day with me and made me feel important again - he really does have sensitive antennae and reacted very well, though I didn't say much to him about how I was feeling. It did feel a bit as if he's making sure I'm around too - but that is ok. Just having someone who comes by makes me feel so much more secure and able to get on, not paralysed by the necessity of finding contact. You can't force people to call you.

[heartandwhole]

The problem with feeling depressed is that you have difficulty doing the reaching yourself.

It really IS hard to reach out. When I'm feeling low and/or hurting, I tend to not reach out as well. When I have reached out a few times, I've gotten very good support, but also none (more draining than being alone). So, if we have a bad experience when we reach out, that can put us off from trying again.  

I did manage to push myself out and found some contact and had some nice talks which helped me over.

Good going, foggy.   I think connecting can be like anything else—a muscle that needs exercise.

Are you feeling better today?

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

I'm feeling a whole lot better today. It is really strange, when Friend is around, and I feel liked, I seem to be more secure and can do things. I don't need to see him or have contact (often better not) but this self confidence that comes from not feeling totally alone makes it possible for me to reach out. And I did. And it was rewarded. People apologised for not contacting me, offered meetings in the future... we'll see. I was able to stop funding my late husband's daughter (done it for so many years) and she hasn't eaten me alive yet. So often I have felt so alone and not been able to make contact, although I know I need this basic stability to function. So oiften just coming on here has helped, because, as yoou say, Heartandwhole, getting no help is worse than being alone, because you begin to doubt your very being. Thanks for your understanding.

[Meili]

  FD!

I'm glad to see that you posted! I was actually thinking about you the other day and wondering how things were going in your world.

I can totally relate to the feelings about feeling lonely and that only one person can be the salve to soothe the hurt. My x was that person for me, and in times of stress, I still want to reach out to her to fill that role.

What I've had to learn is that she isn't the only person out of the some-odd 7 million people on the planet who are capable of that. There really is only one person who can do that and that's me.

It's been a true struggle that has required me to actually sit alone, quietly, and let the feelings flow through me without fighting them or trying to understand them. At some point, I get tired of just sitting and go out and start living again. It's a process, but it's so worth it!

[foggydew]

Ah, Meili! I missed that yiou answered! It's like meeting an old friend again! Thanks! You really don't know how important that is for me! Yes, you are probably right, there are lots of people in the world who may help... .I just don't seem to meet them. I always seem to be the one who listens, etc. ... .one step I have made is to try and limit contact to draining people. Problem is, there seem to be more of them available than the others. I also begin to wonder if it is possible to develop BPD-like characteristics... .I seem to have great difficulty in believing that people are there for me if I don't have contact to them. Object constancy? And this is compounded by the fact that nobody calls me. The only person to whom I have contact regularly, who actually visits me once or twice a week, is BPD friend. I once read that we need to have at least one person with whom we have intimate friendship (that isn't meant in a sexual sense) and that is more or less missing for me now, although I have had it for most of my life with various friends. BPD person is the closest, and I am trying to give him space for his relationship to develop.

[Meili]

  I agree, it is like seeing an old friend!

I can honestly relate to what you said. Because of my history, I have developed Complex PTSD, which resembles BPD in many ways. Fear and distrust is at the top of that list. It took my last relationship to get me into therapy to deal with my issues and start to peel back the layers of my emotional onion to uncover the whats and whys of it all.

Being drained by others is something that I struggle with as well. I've had to learn to define and maintain boundaries to prevent others from sapping all of my energy. How well are you maintaining your boundaries?

I wonder if your feelings of having great difficulty in believing that people are there for me if I don't have contact to them stem from self-worth issues? I struggle with that as well. My therapist taught me that self-worth is a combination of self-esteem and self-image. While I have a high self-esteem, I have a shockingly low self-image. This brings my self-worth down and, without affirmation, I tend to feel unworthy. I work against this with self-affirmations. Have you tried self-affirmations?

[foggydew]

Thanks! Perhaps I should try therapy again. I stopped the last one because the therapist got annoyed with me when I told him I couldn't relate to the exercise he wanted me to do - it didn't mean anything to me, even though I tried it. That was actually a positive feeling, not allowing someone to tell me what to do, and I told him so. He apologised, but I didn't want someone around who reacted like that. So, doing something about my boundaries. Self affirmation? I looked it up, but can't really sort it out - don't really understand how I could do it in a meaningful way. How does it work for you, Meili?
Interesting it is, however. What I have noticed is that I often seem to concentrate on the negative information in life... .eg. I lost my phone and no-one could reach me a few days ago. BPD friend was concerned and called my SIL. She had no idea where I was, was not concerned and hasn't been in touch, although I'm available by phone again. Instead of concentrating on the fact that Friend was concerned enough to try and locate me, the fact that SIL hasn't tried just adds to my feeling of being unimportant, and I concentrate on that. Silly, really.

[Meili]

Nah, not silly. Many of us have been taught to be hypervigilent of the bad things as protective measure. We look for the bad and that reaffirms our skewed vision of our self-worth.

Finding a therapist that you can relate to and one that understands you is incredibly helpful! I've been through so many over the years trying to figure out why I hated life for so long. I finally found one who seemed to understand me, what worked for me, and what didn't work.

I thought that she was nuts when she asked me to do self-affirmations. How could just telling myself that I am, in fact, worthy, strong, and confident actually help me believe those things? As it turns out, I had been telling myself just the opposite for so long that I started to believe that those things were true. When I started to tell myself the good things, it became far easier to believe that they are true. It's a matter of reteaching our minds how to think.

I struggled for a long time with this because it seemed too simplistic to work. To be honest, just by themselves, the reaffirms do great things, but when I combined them with looking at the "evidence" that contradicts my taught, maladjusted thought processes major changes were made. I'm still not perfect, I still have my moments when I question whether or not I am actually worth anything to anyone, but I'm much better than I used to be.

Something else that came from all of that... .specifically from looking at the "evidence"... .was my making a silly "award" for myself. I call it the Silver Paint award. 

Basically, I look for the silver-lining in any situation. When I can't find one easily, I "paint" the situation "silver" to create my own silver-lining. It gives me a sense of pride to find something good in any situation, even if the good is minuscule, and I reward myself for doing so. One of my best friends has picked up the Silver Paint Award and we "give" it to one another... .whoever can find the most, greatest good in a really bad situation.

At the end of the day, both the "award" and the self-affirmations work by changing the focus, which changes the thoughts, which, in turn, changes the emotions after awhile.

I hope some of that made sense.