Dreams?

[cupidsdead]

I still find myself dreaming of my exBPDw at night. I hate the feeling of waking up with all those hurtful memories. Even though I have moved on and healed, I still hurt from time to time. For some reason, I often dream of moving in a new place with her and I can actually feel both joy and sadness at the same time. It's strange. Has anyone else experienced similar dreams?

[Verloren46]

Hi Cupidsdead

You are not alone. Even though its been almost a year from my breakup with my exBPD I still get these kinds of dreams from time to time. They mostly focus on all the positive attributes she had, and rarely any of the negative. Just the other week I dreamt of us enjoying a cultural trip together, her interest in culture was one of the things I loved about her. Its really frustrating because when you wake up you have these lingering warm feelings towards her even though you know its "fake". It makes it harder to move on.

[Ahoy]

Has anyone else experienced similar dreams?

Very much so. It's funny because the narratives of my dreams have followed (roughly) the path of my healing and self-discovery.

At first the dreams were about happy memories, fun holidays together, planning our future. Then I learned about the affairs and how deeply my trust was betrayed. Dreams shifted to me finding out about her affairs and her denial of this despite catching her red handed (in the dreams)

Once I began to work on my issues, and understand MY part in the dysfunction that was my marriage, the dreams shifted again. I haven't dreamed of her for quite a while, but when I do, I dream of someone I can identify as disordered. Someone I feel sympathy and empathy for, but in my dreams I am aware that this is a person I want nothing to do with.

I'm still moving on from my marriage, I'm glad the dreams have stopped (albeit currently) even the final ones still leave a sour taste in my mouth in the morning.

It will be interesting to chart your own dreams as you heal from your relationship breakdown. I think it's just another way our subconscious deals with the trauma we have all endured.

All the best mate.

[cupidsdead]

Thanks guys, it's good to know I'm not alone.

[FantasticMsDox]

Thanks guys, it's good to know I'm not alone.

 Not in the least bit.

I relate to the dreams. I went NC for over a year and during that time I was having dreams about my ex every now and  then. It kind of reminds me of what happens to some folks when they quit smoking, they have dreams where they smoke--it's weird.

My best friend quit smoking like 4-5 years ago and still have dreams about it.
I think it happens when he's under stress. But I wouldnt be surprised if the reasons behind the manifestations for BPDex dreams and smoking dreams are similar.

Keep posting, keep reading. This too shall pass, trust.

[WoundedOne]

Hi cupids dead  

I myself have also had dreams about my BPDexgf. The dreams seemed to come everynight. But I think it was due in part to two reasons. I was constantly thinking, maybe even obsessing over her and what the heck happened! Also I think our brains try and process that which we can not understand in our subconscious minds. My dreams consisted of good and bad aspects. Kissing her  was a theme of one of my dreams and then my dreams turned to more scary and fighting dreams with her where in my dream I would try and reason with her about the wrongs she did to me. And we all know you can't talk to a BPD in normal terms and my mind could not wrap itself around that aspect. So my mind tried to sort out the chaos I didn't understand.
Suffice it to say she is comorbid with BPD and alcoholism and she was escalating violence towards me. So I was quite traumatized to say the least .

The dreaming is getting less and less now and Im starting to process and feel better with each day that passes. It just takes time and distance(no contact) to move on successfully .

 

[JJacks0]

It's been 9 months since we broke up and I just had another dream last night. They subsided for a bit, but when they come back, they really come back. I either dream of her trying to kill herself or I dream that we're reunited and happy. Both are difficult to wake up to. I can totally relate to feeling both joy and sadness at the same time- in the happiest dreams I'll be so over the moon that I wake up smiling - yet there's often a simultaneous nagging feeling that something is off. I think the happiness is my idealistic vision/dream of what could happen, but the sadness is probably the unfortunate reality - so much damage has happened that even if we got back together I'd constantly anticipate her leaving. It's probably the uncertainty and loss of trust.

Sorry that you're experiencing the same.

[KtotheK]

Yes I dream too! And unfortunately they are always dreams that are positive and good where we are happy and she's come back saying how stupid she's been etc and how much she loves me. In the dream I always fall into her arms and all is great. It's hard to wake up and have the realisation it was just a dream. My dreams are ALWAYS about the good of the relationship and us doing all the amazing things we did do. Why is this ? A little annoying where i revert to the thoughts of how happy i was at these times. The idiolisation stage where I was so loved (or so it seemed at the time)
These dreams make me miss her and then I think about how the new partner is getting the best of her (new r/s) and I've seen the pics on social media last night. NC nearly 4 months and haven't looked for abou 6 weeks. Regretting doing so last night ... .photos of them together looking close, in love and happy  

[RedPill]

Dreams here too. Usually positive. Confusing and painful. I guess it's part of the process but it feels pretty messed up. Tonight, unicorns.

[cupidsdead]

Thank you guys! Every single one of you have described exactly what I am going through. I say this again... .it's good to know I'm not alone. God bless you all.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi cupidsdead,

I've had many nightmares, mostly messed up nonsense and I wake up feeling afraid.  I guess it's the trauma of the physical violence, the rages, destruction and the self harming in front of me that are taking their toll.  Until my SSRI's really kicked in I would wake up soaked and have to change the sheets, but not until my full blown panic attack had subsided.  I'm doing better now.  However one dream I had recently really stands out.  I was trapped somewhere and there was a snake with a bright blue stripe down it's back.  His eyes were the most vivid bright blue I'd seen.  I was bitten by the snake and went on to allow it to bite me 4 times in total before I made an escape.  I woke up thinking, wow, how could I LET that thing bite me all those times without trying to stop it?  Very symbolic I'd say. 

Anyway, something I have recently felt compelled to do was to somehow 'mark' my experience as something I've come out of alive, so began to make myself a bracelet, using charms that represented various aspects of our relationship, including his initials, a Survivor charm, things that represent names we would call one another etc. and then I saw it when I was trawling ebay... .The snake!  It's a charm which has the blue stripe down it's back made from crystals.  I'm just waiting for this to arrive and my project will be complete.  I don't wear the bracelet yet, but feel in time I will look at it with pride and it will restore my strength if I have a weak moment.  It will remind me of all I've been through and have put behind me.  Just thought I'd share.  Was so spooky when the charm appeared!

I look forward to dreaming of a bright future where I'm given the same respect and care in return as I give my partners.

Love and light x

[Doughboy]

I have had this lately.  Mine mentioned twice, in passing while driving 2 separate times over 3 weeks, that things would just be easier for everyone if she was not here.  I told her that that was not the case and to discuss it with her Counselor first chance the next day.  2 months later we were done by her choice. I spoke with her Mother after the break up about some general depression things I was seeing and she is taking meds for but Mom blew me off.  I got the "Never contact me again" text 4 days later after Mom talked to her.

After that happened I discovered that her Father attempted suicide in 1989, her Junior year, and died in 1991 from hemorrhagic pancreatitis that was brought on by his alcoholism and one night of binge drinking.

Since then I have had numerous nightmares, at least 20, of her committing suicide.  (There are also occasional dreams of everything being decent/perfect between us and living together in Love with her kids.)

They are either her shooting herself with a gun I bought her for protection (which I did).  At the Funeral her girls run up to me crying and then her Mother approaches and blames me in front of everyone for what has happened.

OR

She reaches out to see about rekindling and I tell her I have to think about it because I need changes so things aren't the same. That night she kills herself and leaves a note saying she couldn't handle the rejection from me.

I am sure there is some great stuff in these nightmares for people that know something about them.  All I know is that these 2 specific nightmares have happened over and over almost exactly the same way.  Starting to scare me to be honest... .

[In a bad way]

I always wake up with my head soaking wet and my heart pounding, my stomach churning and a feeling of fear and panic.
It's strange how what's in the mind can lead to a physical feeling.
It takes a few hours for it all to subside.

[Harley Quinn]

Mine mentioned twice, in passing while driving 2 separate times over 3 weeks, that things would just be easier for everyone if she was not here.

It's no wonder you too have nightmares.  My ex made so many attempts on his life I lost count.  He would opt for overdoses initially, which progressed to wrist slitting, then onto cocktails of steroids and household cleaning products including bleach in syringes... . I guess it's no wonder I have them either!  He would get this blank look on his face as if all emotion, all awareness of anything had gone, to be replaced by this fierce determination that he was going to be 'brave enough', as he put it.  He too often said everyone else would be better off.  I'm not sure his kids would agree.  

I am positive that for all of us these dreams (or nightmares) are our minds reacting to events they can't process, including the 'perfect relationship' ones.  How are we meant to understand rationally why we CAN'T have that amazing fantasy that was woven for us at the outset of our experiences with our pwBPD?  Our brains have still had all that positive input and the opportunity to see what seemed possible and attainable, only for that to be snatched away from us and replaced with trauma and pain.  The mind is trying to work it all out whilst we rest.  I relish the nights I can't remember what I was dreaming of.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

  Haha, Newbie alert!  No idea how I've managed to quote myself there!