Sister in law who lives with us had BPD plus a drinking problem

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Friends, I am so happy to have found this site! I live with my girlfriend since 2001. We have a great relationship, until 2016 when her younger sister moved in with us. I always new she was a drinker, but did not fully realize to what extent and how awful she could really get. She most certainly suffers from BPD and mix that with an out of control drinking problem. She knows me well enough and pushes my buttons, obviously I manage to push hers. Two days ago when she came home with 8 drinks in her and started to pick a fight I duly got up and went into my bedroom which she did not respect and nearly ripped the door off. I put my headphones on and listened to music while she berated her sister, my girlfriend. When I saw her push my girl friend I took my headphones off and started yelling back at her. She brought up everything from the last 15 years. How we are no good etc. all the ugly things. I resorted to her level. My bad. Now I am besides myself. This happens often and every time it happens a little piece of me dies. I'm so upset because I wanted to hurt her back. My girlfriend says to ignore her but when my bedroom is not even a place of solitude and I almost got into a brawl with our BPD sister in law I know things are getting worse. I believe she is a narcissistic one also who thinks she never does anything wrong and justifies by twisting things around.  I'm pulling the hair out of my head. She has no one else and comes out of three failed marriages. No wonder!

[Draccarious]

Hi Friends, I am so happy to have found this site! I live with my girlfriend since 2001. We have a great relationship, until 2016 when her younger sister moved in with us. I always new she was a drinker, but did not fully realize to what extent and how awful she could really get. She most certainly suffers from BPD and mix that with an out of control drinking problem. She knows me well enough and pushes my buttons, obviously I manage to push hers. Two days ago when she came home with 8 drinks in her and started to pick a fight I duly got up and went into my bedroom which she did not respect and nearly ripped the door off. I put my headphones on and listened to music while she berated her sister, my girlfriend. When I saw her push my girl friend I took my headphones off and started yelling back at her. She brought up everything from the last 15 years. How we are no good etc. all the ugly things. I resorted to her level. My bad. Now I am besides myself. This happens often and every time it happens a little piece of me dies. I'm so upset because I wanted to hurt her back. My girlfriend says to ignore her but when my bedroom is not even a place of solitude and I almost got into a brawl with our BPD sister in law I know things are getting worse. I believe she is a narcissistic one also who thinks she never does anything wrong and justifies by twisting things around.  I'm pulling the hair out of my head. She has no one else and comes out of three failed marriages. No wonder!

[Kwamina]

Hi Draccarious

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. The situation you describe sounds quite unpleasant indeed.

Your girlfriend says to ignore her sister. Do you feel like your girlfriend fully acknowledges how dysfunctional her sister is behaving? Does your girlfriend also believe her sister has BPD?

It becomes clear from your post that your girlfriend's sister is verbally abusive. You also mention her 'nearly ripping the bedroom door off'. Would you say your girlfriend's sister is also physically violent/threatening?

Dealing with someone who has BPD (traits) can be very difficult. Once we know better we can do better and that's why I am glad to see you joining this site. I think you can benefit from reading other members' posts and exploring the various resources on here.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Draccarious]

  Board Parrot, Thanks for your response! To answer your questions; yes my g/f is fully aware of the depth of her sisters dysfunction and also believes she has BPD. It seems to run in the family. Usually she the sister does not get violent. This happens if I go back at her rage. This is when my gf tells me not to even answer her. Sometimes I get caught up in what starts out as a conversation that suddenly get ugly. I am reading up on the material on this site and started to practice the SET. The sister is in complete denial or at least won't address her rage and anger.

[Panda39]

... .Usually she the sister does not get violent. This happens if I go back at her rage. This is when my gf tells me not to even answer her. Sometimes I get caught up in what starts out as a conversation that suddenly get ugly... .

Hi Draccarious,

I wanted to join Kwamina "the board parrot" and welcome you to the BPD Family   now you get to hear from the "site Panda" too.  

Your girlfriend is also on to something when she suggests ignoring her sister.  When we JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) that becomes a path right into a never ending circular argument that goes no where... .this is doubly true when you have someone who is drinking on top of BPD.

I'm on these boards because my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) but I was married almost 20 years to an alcoholic and experienced these kinds of arguments with him as well.  I know exactly what your talking about when your girlfriend's sister just keeps pressing the argument, until you lose your cool.  In my case (and maybe yours too) the really frustrating part wasn't just the argument it was his lack of memory of it (too drunk to remember) and then to add the icing to the cake I would be accused of lying about the whole thing... .then we would be off to the races again because I would JADE.

Below are some links to more information on JADE and circular arguments that you might find helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

I'm glad you found us and decided to post the members hear all "get it" because we've experienced it too.  I know you will find support, ideas, tools and sometimes just a place to vent here.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Draccarious]

Thank you Panda39 for your information I am going to go to the links that you supplied and work on the J.A.D.E. I am learning to implement and work on and practice all of the information I have found here. I am so happy and relieved to have found this site and the support that I have just from hearing back from you and the others whom are going threw the same thing. It is amazing the impact/residual effects of these battles have on our daily life. It is always in the back of my mind no matter where I am or what I'm doing. The fear of what will I be walking into when I come threw the front door! Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hence forth, walking on eggshells. Even on a good day it is tough, but the Dr Jekel Mrs Hyde is so true. The sister can be such a good person, fun, smart witty. Than it all turns like a dark cloud blowing in on my picnic. Hopefully I can help steer our life in a calming livable life.

[Kwamina]

I wanted to join Kwamina "the board parrot" and welcome you to the BPD Family   now you get to hear from the "site Panda" too.  

Yep, we got a big ol' animal farm here! (not the Orwellian type though!) A wolf, panda, parrot, several dogs (cute lil' snoopy ones) and even a llama too!

The fear of what will I be walking into when I come threw the front door! Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hence forth, walking on eggshells.

These techniques such as S.E.T., not J.A.D.E. and others such as D.E.A.R.M.A.N. can also help us manage our own fears better. By providing us with alternative responses and a toolkit for difficult situations, they can increase our confidence and lessen our anxiety because we now finally have something to counteract the BPD dysfunction. You can now come prepared. By changing our own behavior and responses, we will change the dynamics of the relationships with the BPD people in our lives, regardless of whether they themselves change or not.

[Draccarious]

Hi Friends, I just want to say that I haven't read enough or had time to implement these tactics into my daily life. And I have failed, we just had another blowout as usual it started out with dinner and by the time we got out of the restaurant the uBPD sister was screaming at me and my girlfriend. Of course one thing led to another and every thing from the past 15 years came up and after being called every horrible name under the sun for two hours I screamed back. She told us she wanted to live alone and I said that's fine by me. And I truly think it is a good idea that we part ways. I still need to progress with these tactics because she will still be in our lives, only not under the same roof.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Draccarious,

I am sorry you had yet another unpleasant experience with her. Being verbally abused for two hours is a long time so I actually think you showed a lot of restraint. Looking back at this event, how do you think you could have handled it differently?

Perhaps another way of looking at this is as a partial success. These tools require a lot of studying and practice and even then they don't give a 100% guarantee of success. The positive thing is that you do recognize what's going on and the areas in which you could make some improvements.

Living with a disordered person can be very challenging. You are right that no matter how you all move forward, learning to apply the various techniques and tactics will be very important.

[Draccarious]

Hi Kwamina, I am a tad disappointed in myself for losing my cool, thank you for understanding. Next time and we know there will be one I am going to try the SET practice. You mentioned the dearman, where do I find these? The funny thing is the next day she acts like nothing happened! And she so far has not mentioned the subject of her moving out on us! The roller coaster is really a hard thing to cope with for me as I am usually a very level tempered person. I have been reading up via the links you provided  on a previous post. I do appreciate them along with the videos. At least I feel like I am starting to grasp what goes on, that their thinking is different and logic and reason mean nothing to them during an episode or ever! Even in clarity I think our uBPD even sees the error of her ways and always feels that she is correct and did nothing wrong. Hence forth no apologies for the erratic behavior.  Once again thanks for the support and I hope you have a good night. CJ

[Kwamina]

You're welcome

This is the link to D.E.A.R.M.A.N.:
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

This technique is specifically aimed at asserting ourselves and expressing needs for change.

[Panda39]

... .She told us she wanted to live alone and I said that's fine by me. And I truly think it is a good idea that we part ways. I still need to progress with these tactics because she will still be in our lives, only not under the same roof.

A lot gets said in the heat of the moment    Is not living with your girlfriends sister feasible?  How does your girlfriend feel about the idea of her sister moving out?  It might not be a bad idea, and you are right learning more about BPD and some better ways to communicate are going to be helpful whether you live with her or not.

Asking her sister to move out is one way to set a boundary... ."I will not live with someone that is verbally abusive" or "I will not live with someone that drinks and is verbally abusive".

You could have other boundaries that don't go that far... ."If I am being verbally abused I will leave for 30minutes so things can cool down" for example or you could go as far as "I want no contact with this abusive person" it's up to you to determine what it is that you need.

Having boundaries that protect ourselves is very important for our own well being, but be aware that people with BPD are expert boundary busters... .as you found out when you tried to retreat to your room... .so you will need to enforce consistently whatever boundaries you decide to set.

The simplest way I can describe boundaries is as follows... .

Little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

Like the little kid going from asking, to pouting, to whining, to screaming, expect the same type of escalation from your girlfriend's sister as you set your boundaries it can get worse before it gets better.

Below is more information on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Hang in there it takes time and practice working with all of these tools to get used to them, and they may not work in every single situation but they can improve things.  No you won't make your girlfriend's sister not have BPD but you can get better at protecting yourself and your own well being from her outbursts and have some tools that can help in not escalating things further. 

Panda39