My Downfall and the part I played in it

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is the first time in my life I have ever written anything on any forum etc. 
Firstly, I must say that lurking on this site for the past 4 months has kept me sane,
of that I am sure, and so very grateful to have this facility to go to. So many insightful
posts, so many insightful responses, loving , kind and supportive. FF (and others) just
blow me away sometimes. I am not an American and I am 67 but can I say ... you guys
are awesome!
My saga started 4 years ago. I had moved country within Europe, and reconnected with a
'blast from the past'. He was an acquaintance of mine and my ex's and came over to my
little cottage to stay for a brief visit from the UK. He was separated from his wife of 40 years,
and had been for 5 months.
Oldies can still do the lovebombing thing, and that´s how it all started.
When he retired 6 months later he moved in  with me.
It was great, and I threw myself into the new relationship with much love and gusto!
I was really happy, and it appeared so was he, despite problems with his ex understandably
after such a long relationship, and some codependancy issues.
He maintained he was/is the happiest ever, but four months in he just morphed into Mr. Hyde
one day and its been up and down ever since.
I am an older 'hippy chick' type, so gravitated towards 'alternative and natural' medications, as
it was obvious that good and restful sleep was very important. So whilst we had/have a physical
side, we slept in separate beds. Loads of talking, especially about the ex, I saw her as the problem
at first.
When he was back in the uk I started to research and have kept it up ever since. He has BPD and
exhibits or has exhibited all of the traits at some time or another.
He touched briefly on the fact that he had been depressed over the years and had been given various
medications that had´nt worked, making him feel numbed as he put it. Later in some of our really
good chats it came out that he had in fact been discharged from the Navy back in the 70´s with
a naval pension and a diagnosis of depression. I mentioned that as more than 30 years has passed
medical records from that time could be accessed. He said ok (we were married by then) and so I
went ahead with his permission and contacted the Navy. The diagnosis was BPD
He said that he had never thought about it after that time, and built a life in civvy street as an engineer
and raised three kids. Ex wife seems to have he own issues, but nevertheless she stayed with him for 40
years.

I am encouraging him to do an online DBT course which starts in late May, and in time of calm he recognises
his condition, but dependent on what the trigger was, usually I am to blame... .if you would just change etc... .
Other times, he will say that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, helping him etc.

Just like nons younger than myself, I would still like a loving relationship, with care and real empathy,
but feeling that I might just be deluding myself, as bits seem to chip away at me, and I think 'where did
I go' now second guessing everything, and waiting for the other 'shoe to drop' as it always does. The times
in between can be lovely for a short while.
He is so supported by me, and is currently away on a short trip with his son on a bucket list type mountain hike.
I do everything for him, and all the cooking, cleaning and housework, he is very handyman type, but does what
he wants when he wants, and the cottage is littered with half finished jobs. Venting now so I will stop...

I haven´t really given up hope, but feel sad, vulnerable, and depressed. I try not to keep talking about him too friends, but I do have one or two supportive people around me, who just say the usual ´sort of ´better off
on your own than with the wrong person type of response.´

If the DBT doesn´t help... .I dont think I can stand it any more.
This keyboard isnt the standard sort, so sorry for the errors.
Just rereading this now it seems so lame, from a person who used to stand up for herself, and thought herself
authentic and open. I have done the major blow up, but felt incredibly tired and drained afterwards.
And ultimately got me nowhere.
Just once again thanks for being there , I´m so grateful.

I just wish I had known something of the complexity of the disorder., or even know about the ´Red Flags´
before my ego got the better of me... .

I sense that his rollercoaster is second nature to him now, and hardwired, and I am being dragged along
for the ride.

[PortyPerson]

This is the first time in my life I have ever written anything on any forum etc. 
Firstly, I must say that lurking on this site for the past 4 months has kept me sane,
of that I am sure, and so very grateful to have this facility to go to. So many insightful
posts, so many insightful responses, loving , kind and supportive. FF (and others) just
blow me away sometimes. I am not an American and I am 67 but can I say ... you guys
are awesome!
My saga started 4 years ago. I had moved country within Europe, and reconnected with a
'blast from the past'. He was an acquaintance of mine and my ex's and came over to my
little cottage to stay for a brief visit from the UK. He was separated from his wife of 40 years,
and had been for 5 months.
Oldies can still do the lovebombing thing, and that´s how it all started.
When he retired 6 months later he moved in  with me.
It was great, and I threw myself into the new relationship with much love and gusto!
I was really happy, and it appeared so was he, despite problems with his ex understandably
after such a long relationship, and some codependancy issues.
He maintained he was/is the happiest ever, but four months in he just morphed into Mr. Hyde
one day and its been up and down ever since.
I am an older 'hippy chick' type, so gravitated towards 'alternative and natural' medications, as
it was obvious that good and restful sleep was very important. So whilst we had/have a physical
side, we slept in separate beds. Loads of talking, especially about the ex, I saw her as the problem
at first.
When he was back in the uk I started to research and have kept it up ever since. He has BPD and
exhibits or has exhibited all of the traits at some time or another.
He touched briefly on the fact that he had been depressed over the years and had been given various
medications that had´nt worked, making him feel numbed as he put it. Later in some of our really
good chats it came out that he had in fact been discharged from the Navy back in the 70´s with
a naval pension and a diagnosis of depression. I mentioned that as more than 30 years has passed
medical records from that time could be accessed. He said ok (we were married by then) and so I
went ahead with his permission and contacted the Navy. The diagnosis was BPD
He said that he had never thought about it after that time, and built a life in civvy street as an engineer
and raised three kids. Ex wife seems to have he own issues, but nevertheless she stayed with him for 40
years.

I am encouraging him to do an online DBT course which starts in late May, and in time of calm he recognises
his condition, but dependent on what the trigger was, usually I am to blame... .if you would just change etc... .
Other times, he will say that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, helping him etc.

Just like nons younger than myself, I would still like a loving relationship, with care and real empathy,
but feeling that I might just be deluding myself, as bits seem to chip away at me, and I think 'where did
I go' now second guessing everything, and waiting for the other 'shoe to drop' as it always does. The times
in between can be lovely for a short while.
He is so supported by me, and is currently away on a short trip with his son on a bucket list type mountain hike.
I do everything for him, and all the cooking, cleaning and housework, he is very handyman type, but does what
he wants when he wants, and the cottage is littered with half finished jobs. Venting now so I will stop...

I haven´t really given up hope, but feel sad, vulnerable, and depressed. I try not to keep talking about him too friends, but I do have one or two supportive people around me, who just say the usual ´sort of ´better off
on your own than with the wrong person type of response.´

If the DBT doesn´t help... .I dont think I can stand it any more.
This keyboard isnt the standard sort, so sorry for the errors.
Just rereading this now it seems so lame, from a person who used to stand up for herself, and thought herself
authentic and open. I have done the major blow up, but felt incredibly tired and drained afterwards.
And ultimately got me nowhere.
Just once again thanks for being there , I´m so grateful.

I just wish I had known something of the complexity of the disorder., or even know about the ´Red Flags´
before my ego got the better of me... .

I sense that his rollercoaster is second nature to him now, and hardwired, and I am being dragged along
for the ride.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Porty ,

The past is done. You can beat yourself up for what happened before, but that isn't going to get you anywhere or make things any better. It sounds like you have stopped taking care of your own needs and put everything into him. So, it's time to get off his roller coaster. You don't have to be dragged along. You can begin working on your own needs and wants and mental health.

Have you thought about getting into counseling for yourself? A good counselor can teach you how to speak up for yourself, let your needs be known to your partner, new ways of communicating with your partner, and taking care of yourself. I've found that I begin to feel hopeless and depressed when I stop speaking up. I let my H barrel over me with his drama or demands instead of saying what needs to be said. And I've also found that when I am validating, direct, and authentic with him, he accepts what I say for the most part, even if he doesn't like it.

[PortyPerson]

Thank you so much for the helpful replies Halcyon and Tattered Heart. Its very strange
at first opening up a bit on a forum, but as soon as I clicked post I felt that I had somehow
joined 'my tribe´ in a way... .folk who understand the real deal of coping with this disorder
on a daily basis.
Don´t worry I´ll be careful and try to stick to the facts, and not drift off piste as ole hippies
are apt to do!
Weirdly, after having led a full life, if you like, this has totally broadsided me, as I more or less
thought I could cope well with most things, I had a partner who after 14 years developed MS
and had to be repatriated to the uk, so I had known despair and grief. Then I relocated to another
country on my own, no knowledge of the language and somehow coped. Blowing my own trumpet
I realise, but it was all  a doddle compared to this!
Like many before me I thought MY love could conquer all! Ego again...

Thanks once again for the responses, and as has been said before many times on this forum,
I am not alone, whoever thought this brilliant site up should have a medal!

[halcyon]

Hey, PortyPerson

Apologies for not editing my last post better.

My main point was just to remember to take care of YOU.  Self-care is really important for all of us, and I know balancing my own needs with my partner's needs can be tricky sometimes.  But if I only consider her needs and ignore my own, things begin spiraling fast.

I am reminded of an analogy my partner learned in the hospital.  Some of you may have heard this before... .

Say you have an empty mayonnaise jar.  This represents your day.  It begins empty.  There are three different things it can be filled with: golf balls, pebbles, and sand.  The golf balls represent the things that are VITAL to your day:  food, shelter, your partner's well-being, maybe your children's well-being, maybe your pets... .you get the idea.  The pebbles represent things that make life easier/more relaxing:  coffee, internet maybe, cable t.v. perhaps, eating out... .  And finally, the sand represents all the irritants in life:  telemarketers, rude people on the bus, bad weather... .

If you focus your energy and your thoughts on the golf balls and the pebbles, less sand can get in... .

The more sand you let in, the less golf balls and pebbles you can fit... .

And the most important golf ball is YOU

It's cool how a lot of what my partner learns ends up helping me too.  There is a lot of cross-over information we can learn from them as they are learning.  Hope this finds you well.