Urge/nagging compulsion to reach out to ex/break nc

[FantasticMsDox]

I've been feeling an intense urge since yesterday to reach outto my ex. I want to tell her how much I love her, miss her, miss us.  It's more than just reaching out, I feel like chasing her, courting her.

Ugh but I don't want anything to do wth her. I just want to go back to not caring about her like I was 4 months ago. I was so focused on me and now I cant stop thinking about her. I feel my caretaking controlling nature and it's kind of painful.

I have an idea where this is coming from. Maybe my brain wants me to "chase" after the high of idealization. Because I'm not in a relationship and rather lonely, my brain is like:

"Go get her, she'll give you what you want"

But also my thought process seems like "she's in a bad relationship she should be with you, go and PROVE IT"

 but I know if I do I'll just wind up getting rejected, my feelings hurt, she'll tell me all about how this new person is so wonderful and so much like me.

I feel like one moment I'm fine, the next I'm missing her something awful, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm confident that I'll get her back, I want her out of my mind. It's hard to focus on things because I have constant knots in my stomach, and I only feel relived of them when I sleep.

I have my first therapy appt on Thursday so I'm very much looking forward to that, and hopefully unburden myself from these intense urges.

I hate this.

[TsunamiWave]

Please dont man... .You have to hang in there.
If shes in a relationship then she doesnt love you, if you chase her you will just feed her ego and make her feel even lesw guilty of whatever she has done to you.

Hang in there, eat the pain, swallow it, better days will come where you will see things with more clarity.

[Mutt]

Hi FantasticMsDox,

What are your hobbies? I'd go for a walk, running, biking, drive, swimming, work out, chin ups, pulls ups, call a friend or family member and go for coffee, supper, what can you think of? It helps to do something different when we're ruminating.

[roberto516]

I begged. For damn near two months. It didn't end well. The second I stopped she came coming back. But I think she is officially done now. Which makes me want to reach out again. But I'm stronger than that. There won't be any more begging. And as the first person replied. If she is with someone else than she doesn't love you. Which hurts for me to come to terms with too.

Just remember that you can't have two thoughts at the same time. And yes, we are in withdrawal. Wrought with the doubts, and some anger at how they can't even reach out to us. Did we mean so little? But with all emotional withdrawals it will go away. Easier said than done. Trust me. I am still struggling with not breaking NC.

And I too was a different person before this relationship. I had been in one before, and I thought I had found myself. I did love myself. I still do. But just like that I spent almost 2 years doing this, and it destroyed my life all over again.

But it gets better. I went through it before. And I"m telling you I loved myself and my life more than I ever did in my life. I'll get there again. And so will you. Message me and tell me everything you want to tell her if you think that will help. The actual message itself might ease some of the desire. Because you will be giving your brain exactly what it wants in a way. So again, message me the message you want to say if you want to.

[Idsrvt2]

Please don't contact her.  She may get a protection order out on you or call the police.  Once they split us there is no telling what they will do.

Today my councilor said that the healing process is much like the relationship was with my x , just as erratic with lots of ups and downs.

She suggested I write my x a letter of all I want to say to him and of course don't send it.

That's my goal for this week. 

Earlier I was ok, tonite I'm crying again. I went for a few weeks where I was better , now I'm not again. 

Be good to yourself and keep posting here

[FantasticMsDox]

Thank you Roberto, Idarvt2,Tsunami, and Mutt for the replies. Really--reading your replies and posts of others keep me grounded so to speak. I really appreciate it.

Mutt--thank you. I usually do all those things  for the most part. I'm in college full time right now so classes takes up most of my time along with trying to spend time with friends I also do some gaming (if anyone plays Overwatch ^_^), play guitar, and read. But it's been a little hard to really enjoy those things lately :/

I have a 60+ minute commute to and from school on the subway everyday so there can be some idle time where I'll just ruminate trying to sort my feelingsout. . I usually listen to my podcasts, read, write, etc. But from last night to today I have these overwhelming and intrusive thoughts.

My ex texted me a link to a song she said she thought I would like two days ago. I just replied asking if she left my things w/ a mutual friend which she did. I feel as if I latched onto that interaction. And In feeling so many different things, there's apart of me that thinks I'll be relived if I comply with the impulse to just reach out and word vomit everything I feel--I feel like a confused storm, almost like how I imangine she feels most of the time.

 I know I ended this friendship because I saw the same old stuff, I was falling into old patterns, I was getting the same sh*t.  But on the flip side I feel like I don't want to let her go.

I was actually reading lonely child/abandoned child attachment theory on the forums today while I was having these thoughts on my way home. The familiarity hit home and it almost made me want to reach out even more. (Damn understanding ). But it really helped me make A LOT of sense of my core wounds. I grew up in a alcoholic/chaotic household, so reading about that theory and applying it to understanding (there's that word again) how my relationship w/ my ex worked. Eerily accurate.

But I feel better now. Being able to just read and write here makes me feel less overwhelmed and 'not crazy' so to speak. It's hard to really talk about all this with my friends, even though they were there for my whole history with my ex and have known me most of my life,, they don't really "get it".

I have to say that I am truely amazed by how affected I am, and how after I started recognizing the old patterns of our relationship while trying to be friends--I was triggered into all those old bad feelings, almost as if I was dead center in the relationship 4 years ago all over again.

 I thought walking away or even trying to be friends would be eaiser this time. It's not. It's different, yet the same. But, the silver lining is that I'm digging deeper than I ever have before and that's a good thing. Things I had pushed deep down and neglected are coming up and I'm in a better place than I was back then to really deal with it. It's hard but, hard work pays off.

Thanks for being on this dig with me, folks.

[Mutt]

I thought walking away or even trying to be friends would be eaiser this time. It's not. It's different, yet the same. But, the silver lining is that I'm digging deeper than I ever have before and that's a good thing. Things I had pushed deep down and neglected are coming up and I'm in a better place than I was back then to really deal with it. It's hard but, hard work pays off.

You're right about it paying off, the gift of the borderline, I see that you're digging into your FOO ( family of origin ), if it's the article that I'm thinking about with the lonely / abandoned child, many but not all came into the r/s with life long emotional wounds. Keep up the good work  

[FantasticMsDox]

Thanks Mutt

I'm feeling like I'm missing her today. I'm trying to figure out what it is I miss.
Part of it is just missing having someone. Another part is missing being "painted white" and the attention I got from her.

I had my first therapy session on Thursday so I'm really excited to get to work! But sometimes I just have moments where I can't shake the grief, the missing, the live sickness,etc. I miss her as my friend but I miss her as my partner even more.

This too shall pass.

[JJacks0]

I feel the same way. I haven't seen my ex in 6 months and lately I'm just dyin' to see her. It really hits me in waves and right now I miss her so much. But like you said I think a large part is loneliness, it's been a long time now since I've had a connection with anyone & even beyond that I miss my best friend. When I'm distracted it's a bit easier. And I know she'd just reject me. I'm graduating in a few weeks which means I'll have a lot more free time for a little while- I'm fairly confident that the temptation to just ask her for coffee will take over. Not sure this post has been helpful to you but at least you know you're not alone. It's so tough. Hang in there.

[Mavrik]

I broke no contact after 2 weeks, and contacted her through her Facebook page after she put posts on there aboust losing friends and no one being there for her.

I posted this beautiful poem about footprints in the sand, and that I would always be there for her. And she blocked me.

So much for her saying we would always be friends and she would always love me no matter how things panned out.

Feel free to break no contact, but sadly I can guarantee they will not have changed.