Introduction

[toman]

I'm not really sure what I'm here for but I guess I'll start with an introduction.  I'm 34 and I've been married to my best friend for 8 years although we've been friends 20 years this year.  I've had my theory that my spouse has BPD since we first started dating 13 years ago, he has always had problems with drugs and alcohol, has zero self esteem and is constantly fearful I will leave him (among other traits) At times in our dating history he would stalk me and try to catch me in a lie, if I said "I'm going to the laundromat then to the grocery store and then I'll head home" but instead as I was driving away I realized the grocery store was on the way and changed my plans that was considered a lie. 
We would have violent fights that never went anywhere because he would ask for proof then come up with utter craziness for how that proof wasn't good enough.  He cheated on me multiple times and ultimately I could stay and watch him slowly kill himself so I left. 
We were about about 2 years during that time he did a lot of drugs, drank a lot and got a felony charge for trying to burn down a girl's house that he thought had done him wrong.  He managed to get himself clean and for the most part BPD symptoms under control.  Fast forward 8 years we now have 3 kids (plus his from a previous marriage) and his symptoms have come out of no where.  Each and every day he thinks I'm cheating on him or I want to leave him, he refuses to go to counseling and the antidepressants and antianxiety meds are not helping.  I'm not asking for help because I intimately know BPD and my husband, I know what I need to do to help him, myself and my children I am supportive and try not to take things too personally, I recognize and praise the small things. I just wish there was more I could do I wish it mattered.  Some days I just feel like I'm an inconsequential part of this relationship because the "real" relationship is what goes on in his head. 
I feel like I've left out a lot and I'm sure there is plenty more of the story, oh like the fact that every health care provider he's been to has ignored his requests for help.  His last psychiatrist met him (spent five minutes with him) said nope I don't think you have BPD because you can control your anger too well (ah yes, pushing your wife down the stairs and throwing tables is very good control of anger) **those all happened years ago I'm not in any present danger**
So his psychiatrist ignored his request for counseling and dialectic or cognitive behavior therapy instead opting for Venlafaxine, Xanax and Trazodone, great combination for an alcoholic with a long history of drug abuse.  I'm so tired of the lack of mental health care in this community. 

Thanks for listening everyone, sometimes it's just good to get it off my chest.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi toman, welcome to the family!

we all feel exhausted and lost and inconsecuential, as you say. I commited the mistake of telling my GF, before knowing anything about BPD " You talk to me as if you were writing a diary, not as a person" As if I, or my feelings didn't matter. So it is useful to talk to people that understand what are you going through. I feel humbled and a bit scared when I read people who have been so many years in a relationship that sounds difficult. I'm getting close to 4 years, and I already feel drained. But they were 4 years full of unfortunate events. I'm glad you had some "good years" and have kids and all. It really s**ks that medical care is kind of utopian in some places. It is too where I live. It feels like the system wants them to die so that would be cheaper over all for the State/Country/Insurance... .It feels really inhuman.

I have no local support, no one to talk to in real life about this, and much less someone that would understand. I talk a lot to my SO, and she in incredibly insightful when she is at her baseline. But I need to have people to talk to when she is not "herself", it really has helped me to keep it together. It really is a big part of our lives, and we need to share it and feel understood.

We are here for that, among many things. Welcome. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi toman,



You've found a great place to express your thoughts and feelings about this. Members here understand how challenging it can be to love someone with BPD. I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been to find treatment for your husband. That is so frustrating. I often wonder what the health care system is "thinking" when it doesn't provide preventive treatments or mental health care at any reasonable level.

How old are your children, and how do they deal with your husband's symptoms?

heartandwhole