Resisting manipulation

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recently I have been doing a lot of things I don't feel happy or comfortable doing, purely to avoid conflict with my uBPDw. 

For example, yesterday she said "Go and do X for me, please" in a very cold manner.  Despite the use of the word "please", it sounded more like an order than asking for a favor.  The thing she asked me to do was an inconvenience to me, and would have been an inconvenience to her too, but either one of us could have done it. And she decided that I was the one to do it. 

I did what she asked, begrudgingly, because saying "no" would have resulted in an argument and a vitriolic personal critical attack.  And I would have felt guilty for being selfish by not doing her selfish request.

At the time, it seemed less "painful" to comply with her demand, than to attempt to resist it.  So I did it. And another brick was added to the wall of resentment.

Bullies need a willing victim to take abuse.  But I'm having a lot of trouble not being a willing victim and resisting the emotional manipulation.

[Dragon72]

Recently I have been doing a lot of things I don't feel happy or comfortable doing, purely to avoid conflict with my uBPDw. 

For example, yesterday she said "Go and do X for me, please" in a very cold manner.  Despite the use of the word "please", it sounded more like an order than asking for a favor.  The thing she asked me to do was an inconvenience to me, and would have been an inconvenience to her too, but either one of us could have done it. And she decided that I was the one to do it. 

I did what she asked, begrudgingly, because saying "no" would have resulted in an argument and a vitriolic personal critical attack.  And I would have felt guilty for being selfish by not doing her selfish request.

At the time, it seemed less "painful" to comply with her demand, than to attempt to resist it.  So I did it. And another brick was added to the wall of resentment.

Bullies need a willing victim to take abuse.  But I'm having a lot of trouble not being a willing victim and resisting the emotional manipulation.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Dragon,

It can be disheartening when you feel like you can't have a voice. I know all to well how quickly resentment can begin to build up. This is where self care becomes important.

I've learned that being honest with your partner is the best route to take. It allows you to honor yourself and let your needs/thoughts be known. If you were honest with yourself, does not speaking up really help you avoid blow ups? Does it lead to you having a blow up later on?

It's scary to speak up when you've been walking on eggshells, but that's exactly what it sounds like you are doing. You've allowed FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to control you. Next time you want to say something to your wife, but are unsure about saying it, try to first validate her, then share directly and firmly what you want to say. She might blow up. BUT you will feel better for saying your feelings.

Here is a link to one of our workshops on FOG:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

[Ythisroad]

Hi Dragon,

I'm a newbie, so sponging up everyone's tips and advice.  I know what you mean by "the wall of resentment"... .thanks for the word picture   I tell myself that by avoiding arguments I'm choosing my battles, but if I'm honest maybe I'm choosing none of them until I get tired of being accused of thinking/acting in ways that hadn't even occurred to me and then I fight back.  I've been working really really hard at reminding myself that my BPDh is not my enemy.  It's real easy to start down that road of negativity and there's no light at the end of that tunnel... .  Someone on one of my posts reminded me that you have to give yourself permission to be yourself.  I'm working on that.  I hope you have a peaceful day. 

[Dragon72]

I still struggle with the concept of realising that she will never be satisfied however much I do to appease her or avoid upsetting her. 

I find it very hard to put myself and my needs first. 

It's going to take a huge amount of effort on my part to break out of the Caretaker mentality.

All her previous relationships ended quickly.  I guess they were with people who had healthier self-esteem who chose to distance themselves from her critical, condescending, paranoid and selfish attitude and actions.  I, it seems, am prepared to put up with all that and put her needs above my own.  I must try harder to stop doing that.

I am really beginning to see how much I am responsible for my resentments and unhappiness caused by my taking part in this dysfunctional game.

[DaddyBear77]

For many many years, I've compromised and ignored every core value I had, all in an effort to enmesh myself with my pwBPD.

She said "I don't like you having female friends" - so I removed them from my life, even though I knew there was absolutely nothing inappropriate about it.
She said "I don't like the way your family lives, and I don't want you to visit them without me" - so I stopped visiting my family, even though I loved them and missed them very much.
She said "If you're going to marry me, I need a big beautiful wedding with the best wedding dress ever" - and so I started out my married life with her almost $20,000 in debt, even though I'd have much rather lived within my means and found a less expensive path.

The list goes on and on.

... .share directly and firmly what you want to say. She might blow up. BUT you will feel better for saying your feelings.

When I first started working through things here at bpdfamily, I would have read something like what Tattered Heart said and been like "Um, yeah, you have NO idea! She MIGHT blow up? Try, "She might reach down my throat, rip out my guts, stomp on them, spit on them, call them disgusting, and then scream at me relentlessly until I capitulated" - sound about right?

I felt like a helpless victim, alternatively blaming my pwBPD directly, or the BPD itself and all the things that put it there.

But what I've discovered is that NO one, not even our pwBPD, can decimate us unless we open ourselves up to let them.

Boundaries. We MUST have boundaries or else there really is no existence. We just flow out into another person and live our lives through them.

We also owe it to ourselves to KNOW ourselves, and know our values, and find whatever strength we can possibly muster to HANG ON to those values. Or else, again, we give ourselves up to someone else to do with as they please.

Both of those topics are covered here:
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits


Now, just so you know how NOT alone you are, I came down here to write this after standing in front of my pwBPD 10 minutes ago and promising that I'd pay for her hair treatments and high-end cosmetics from tomorrow's paycheck INSTEAD of paying the mortgage. Her response? "Good! You need to make this happen for me! You OWE this to me!" So part of WHY I'm responding to this now is to remind MYSELF that I can't let the BPD take over MY life.

I still very much love my pwBPD as I'm sure you do, too. But in order to love another person, we, ourselves, must be a well-defined person and stand with OURSELVES as we prepare to stand in support of our pwBPD.

Does that all make sense?

[Grey Kitty]

Recently I have been doing a lot of things I don't feel happy or comfortable doing, purely to avoid conflict with my uBPDw. 

Being generous, helpful, and supportive as a way to avoid conflict and improve your marriage is a good thing. (As long as you don't harm yourself at it.)

That said, your feelings resentment are your clue that you are being harmed and need better boundaries to protect yourself.

For example, yesterday she said "Go and do X for me, please" in a very cold manner.  Despite the use of the word "please", it sounded more like an order than asking for a favor.

Think about this one. Think about where the issue with it is.

That she asked you to do X (which would have been an inconvenience for either you or her) doesn't seem to be a real problem, and as somebody who likes to pick my battles, it wouldn't be one I'd choose. It isn't a "hill worth dying on".

Her non-verbal communications--the cold way she spoke to you. That is a real issue, and taking a stand on that might be worthwhile. Unfortunately, saying something directly about will probably result in denial, since this is very deniable ("I said please!" and create more conflict.

That there is an implied threat--that if you don't comply, she will punish you is also a real issue, and you may want to take a stand on that also or instead.

Does looking at it this way help you identify what you might want to change?

[Happy outside]

I too just do what is being asked/told me to do. Commenting or even trying to discuss something I may not like or want to do is pointless. If my opinion is negative, then I'm griping. I'm only allowed to voice positive opinions. In reality, I have zero input of most situations.