Introduction and story - Lost my Fiance and it is all becoming clear

[Doughboy]

Lost my Fiance a few weeks ago.  Long story that mimics so many I have read on this board.  I feel I am permanently split black at this point but you never know.  Probably not a bad thing as I now realize my culpability in the failure of the relationship.

We were friends in High School, mid 40's now.  We we together for 8mo and she ended things because she needed to be alone since she had not been without a males influence in her life for any length of time longer than 6mo. and she felt she was getting far from God.

We communicated every few days by text, short messages, over the next 2 months and then we started talking again.  The relationship came back together but ended after another 8 months. This time was again the need to be alone, the decision she needs a relationship with a "true Christian" man since she never has and this man will not only support her Spiritually but the shared Faith alone will also eliminate 80% of the problems that couples have in relationships.

It was the classic push/pull.  We live 3 hrs apart but physically saw each other maybe 10-13ish days a month with daily phone calls and texts.  She would do the push/pull by not allowing me to come in and visit her or her not coming to see me.  The reasons were always very superficial and seemed to coincide with the desire to be alone or there were some plans she, or her kids had.  The plans would maybe be 3 hrs on a Saturday but that would exclude a whole 3 day weekend.

She deals with some depression and ADD and is taking meds for both.  They are prescribed by her GP as she goes to a Christian counselor and they do not consult with the regular Dr.  She goes to her Counseling once a month and is going because she was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by her 2nd exhusband.  I do not feel that she is getting anywhere with that Counselor but who really knows. 

She has always had bad relationships, very promiscuous between the ages of 16 and 24: - 26 partners that she told me of.  Got married to a guy at the age of 25 that she admitted she didn't love but was afraid no one else would have her, had 2 kids, moved out of state, was born again right after moving.  She ultimately divorced him after 14yrs because he was "unloving, generally ___ty, and almost bankrupted them numerous times with excessive spending".  She cheated on him just before she filed with an old partner from College. 

16 months after filing and 12 months after legally divorced she was remarried to a man she met at Church.  Horrible, Horrible things happened to her in the marriage.  She was separated from him in 2.25 yrs and Divorced again 5 months after that.  Those 2 talked for another 2 months trying to work things out.  When she finally broke free she slept with the guy from College again immediately and a random at a work conference 1 week after that.

She and I met up at a High School reunion and just started talking after that.  Long, long, long talks and texting,  Sharing of everything by both of us.  It eventually moved into a relationship that had every single trait of a Boarderline Waif... .

Toward the end of our 2nd stint I apparently upset her by "Wanting things to be better for her kids Dad then her and the kids" and never supporting her in that part of her life.  I also was "critical" of her when it came to the discussions of her buying a car.

At the end this time I was in full addiction withdrawal mode.  I felt that she and I were done but I was concerned about her getting real help for the depression and trauma from the abusive 2nd Marriage.  SO... .I of course talked to her Mother, who lives 2 miles from me, and was received warmly by her.  She them promptly turned things around and told her daughter/my ex, that I said she could never survive without me, that I thought she was crazy, and that she should be worried for her safety and that of her girls!

4 days later I got the text that said we are done forever and that I needed mental help.  I was also instructed to never contact her, her kids, family, friends, or anyone else she knows... .


I now am able to put so many things together.  My Counselor identified the most likely BPD based on the life history i was able to provide since I knew her for so long. 

I am a People Pleaser/Nice Guy/Codependent tendencies.  I will be working on this with my Counselor, 17 appts scheduled and 3 already done.  She has made me research BPD, BPD relationships, and is preparing me for what she feels is the inevitable "reach out" from the Ex.

Probably one of the worst parts for me is losing the relationship with not only her but her kids. We came to really love and trust each other and they have no other good male influence and never have.  Scares me for what their future might hold.   

Kicker to all of this is that I/we have a group of friends in my town that we have know for a long time.  Apparently they were all Happy when we split the first time because they saw the abuse/manipulation/neglect she was doing to me.  They were all pissed when we got back together because they knew it would end badly again.  I asked them why no one said anything and they replied... ."You wouldn't have listened, You were in Love".

So her I am ready to start fixing my own issues that I can totally see now but never knew before.

I wonder if she will ever reach out again?

My Counselor has forced me to create and action plan for contact and another action plan for if I ever decide to maybe try again with her, .  She really wants me prepared.  I have had to create a file that includes all of my BPD research, a full accounting of the relationship, my action plan for me, and action plan if she ever reaches out, etc.  She told me to keep the folder in a filing cabinet and to get it out and review before I ever respond to any contact.

I am still in the mindset that if she could convince me the Christian man thing was no longer required and she actively engaged Secular Counseling to possibly identify BPD traits in her and DBT for them that maybe I would consider trying again.

Not sure what else to say at this point... .Just wish I would have seen the situation for what it was before getting into the place we are now.

[Mutt]

Hi Ox, 

Not sure what else to say at this point... .Just wish I would have seen the situation for what it was before getting into the place we are now.

Many of us have said the same thing, you knew each other from school although you didn't have a r/s back then, maybe you were recalling your impression of her from school. Also, mental illness is invisible, it's not like seeing someone sick or that they have a broken leg, the disorder is triggered by intimacy, when you get close to someone with BPD you get the push / pull behavior.

I wonder if she will ever reach out again?

It's hard to say when, I've read posts where people where contacted a week, a month, several months and sometimes several years, it depends on what you want, we're a support group that's here 24/7/365 and we can support you through this. I'm sorry if you have already disclosed this, how long have you been broken up?

[AlternateReality]

Yes for reaching out to you, probably when her whatever current relationship hits rocky waters.

You have a very insightful therapist...     I love that they want to you develop a game plan for future communication...  
I feel a little like a broken record saying this but it comes up alot about future communications once you go NC...   But i have been NC with my ex for five years and i still get the random message (1 to 3 every year) even with her being married now.

[Doughboy]

Also, mental illness is invisible, it's not like seeing someone sick or that they have a broken leg, the disorder is triggered by intimacy, when you get close to someone with BPD you get the push / pull behavior.

I knew so many of her problems when we started talking.  We talked for hours and hours.  I think so many of her issues are BPD/Depression but also enabled by others.  I came in on the big white horse and she took full advantage.  I really do not think she realizes it even happened though.  All the push/pull and devaluation.  She just mentioned all the conflict about her ex and her Religion.  I was also apparently, harsh and an interrupter. <-- TI have heard this from many people... .unfortunately.

It's hard to say when, I've read posts where people where contacted a week, a month, several months and sometimes several years, it depends on what you want, we're a support group that's here 24/7/365 and we can support you through this. I'm sorry if you have already disclosed this, how long have you been broken up?

It has been about 45 days since I have held her, and everything was pretty good that weekend.  Just one argument about religion.  She feels she needs to be a better Christian and when I asked her what that meant she just said, "I don't know".  I was trying to see if she was going to be spending 5 days a week in Bible Study, etc and she replied it would never be that bad but didn't know where she would end up.

So, 45ish days since seeing, 13 days since talking on phone, and 10 since the last final nasty text which I will include below.  After this text I cannot see her ever reaching out though.  She was very fond of mixed messages and denying she did it.  This one was a doozy. 

Her: "I need a Christian man for x,y,z reason."
Me: "So I guess that means we are done done since that is not something I can ever provide you?"
Her: "Well I can't say that because I do not know what the future holds."

Talk about providing hope... .like someday the Christian man requirement might go away and you will be acceptable again... .

Also, I told her Mother I helped out a bunch financially but that I just made mountains into little bumps.  I never said she could not exist without me.  She twisted that right up like the enabler she is... .

"xxx, You have crossed every line and boundary by contacting my mom continuously and showing up at her house uninvited.  You have lied and twisted things to make others think I need you and can’t get along without you. There were no mixed messages on my part…I broke up with you.  I wouldn’t say we would never be together again because I don’t know the future but that was not a mixed message.  You turned it into a mixed message.  I can say to you now that we will NEVER be together again. you are obsessed to a point that is upsetting others and concerning them about my safety and that of my girls. If your business doesn’t work out and you leave Columbus and move to Indy…I will slap a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin. You are the one that needs serious help.  I feel sorry for you but I am done.  Do not contact my family, friends, daughters, or anyone else who has close contact with me.  I wish you the best with your business, the boys, and hope you get the help you need mentally."

For point of reference, my Business has been struggling, but is getting better, and when this was announced it kinda coincided with her pulling away.  She can not move to my town until 7/2020 due to child custody so the thought was if necessary I could move there if looking for a new job.  I think that scared her as she would lose that buffer she had.  This was mentioned and that was when she mentioned that she realizes she has never been alone to create herself and rely on herself.  The time frames above I calculated and it even scared me!

[Doughboy]

Two of the many things that I am struggling with are her families ambivalence and her self proclaimed knowledge that she has struggles.

She will readily admit to never having a good relationship, she will admit that she feels like she can not "adult" well.  She says she was not made to work full time or to be a single Mom. (She only has her kids 26 weeks a year. Every other week custody in her state.)  She hates that her house is always messy and she can't get tasks completed.  She claims she has no time for these things.  She does not like that she always feels less/lost/unsure of who she is.   She is so close to getting it right but she is just being treated for Spiritual struggles and the trauma from the 2nd husbands abuse.  I also feel that the Christian focused counseling is not helping... .

Her Mom is very controlling, imo. Her brother and sister just say, "That's how she is. Always has been." She live near me which is 3 hrs from her daughter.  She just says that her daughter has always tried to save the world since she was a kid and was always very emotional.  Her siblings are a little older, 1 & 5 yrs. and they are very logical based like Mom. Her Dad had issues plus narcolepsy and the parents were divorced when she was 16.  Her Mom went full blow on work at that point and her Father ended up homeless and committed suicide while she was in College.  She has had a lot of bad things in her past that also point to the BPD.

None of them want to help or will even acknowledge there is a bigger issue so there is no one to help her figure this out.  I am obviously no longer in that position.  It hurts to know her life will continue this way and that her children might have the same troubles and/or really pick bad men for themselves due to what they have seen and what they are taught by the Church on what a woman should do/be.