finally leaveing husband of 6 years

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

where do I begin! cannot live with this person another day. he has stolen my future he has broken my spirit help!

[massagequeen]

where do I begin! cannot live with this person another day. he has stolen my future he has broken my spirit help!

[Herodias]

I like your "name"... .So sorry you have found yourself here, but you are in the right place. How can we help you? You have been involved for a significant amount of time... .it will be difficult, but not impossible. 

[massagequeen]

I am afraid I will take him back he keeps texting and calling. These horrible things have been done to me but why is it that I feel compassion ad love for him? I have children involved my financial future will be gone and my health is at risk if I stay

[massagequeen]

cheating and lying and never knowing what he is doing. I am full of anxiety and drink to cope with the pain. he promises he will change goes to therapy and group therapy and tells me how much he loves me. He seduces me into going back over and over by his words and his talents in the bedroom. He has humilated me and I have felt ashamed hideing his lies for him from the world and my family. I finally broke down and told them all

[Insom]

You can do this. 

[massagequeen]

I feel so weak. I wake up with anxiety and a knot in my stomach. he is the father of my child. His child whome i have raised as my own will be ripped away. my 2 children will be devastated as they have called him dad for years and love him.the shame is ovewhelming. just had a huge custody battle for my kids with an angry ex who will find joy in my pain.

[Herodias]

So sorry, but you did the right thing telling your friends and family. Let them support you. Believe them when they give you advice, they will only want what's best for you and it will be hard for them to understand your feelings of "love" when they know about what he has done. You need to get strong and look out for yourself. I am sorry you are going through this, but you are in the right place for help. This behavior is very common here. Study all you can, you will get through it and come out better on the other side. He says he wants to get help and get better, but the only way that will happen is if you let him go to work on himself. You work on you. 

[massagequeen]

Is it possible for him to change someday? the history with me is that he will lie a out the simplest things and the grass is always greener looking for something better all the time. he has confessed alot to me details that he has kept from me from the beginning of the arriage that he has never revealed that never made sense and have weighed heavily on me . like when i found a po box receipt when we first married. and opening a zoosk account with my credit card and I saw the charge.these may seem small but I have brought these things up numerouse times thinking and was starting to think i was a crazy paranoid jealous freak. I have turned into a jealous woman . I have never had issues with jealousy in any of my other relationships. He joined group therapy right away ( hes done this in the past) found another counselor ( done this off and on throughout the marriage then we run out of money and he stops) he is sceduled to see an actual physiologist. he is attending church full bore and seeing church leadership to get guidance. he has called my mother and other family members to take full responsibility and his own family . he is writeing down everything he has ever lied about in his history trying to remember so as to give people closure. he has been lying sinse he was a child and has had therapy off and on for years. at 16 he had a car accident and had a tramatic brain injury and was in a coma and almost didnt make it. he had to learn to crawl, walk , talk all over again. I wonder if this might have exasperated the problem. and wonder if he his brain needs to get looked at. As sick as this sounds I hold out hope that if I leave it might make him want to change for himself and that someday we can get it together once he figures it out down the road. I want to be a family again( but never told him any of this as things change over time) but inside I know he is a magnet for females and he will probably move on sooner. part of me is afraid that I was just a stepping stone for him to change for another woman sinse he still has some very good qualities. But our relationship has been up and down from the start . I also feel like I have most of these traits to be borderline and my vice is massive anxiety with mood swings depression and a little ocd. I have a hard time with relationships and have major anger problems. the diffrence is I am honest about who I am and tell my spouse everything . I am forever loyal. I have only been with 2 partners in my whole life. I pay my bills and am very responsible and work hard. my behavior is not reckless but I do use alcohol to cope with the anxiety or to medicate the pain here and there but not irresponsibly.  I think through things before I act and know the consequences. But my anger problems can be abusive. when I found out this happened I begged him to show me the messages( last time he erased them right in front of me robbing me from the truth). when he said no I chased him around the room going crazy and slapping him. I felt complete rage and cried and groveled at the same time begging him to give me the truth. I felt as though I was a prisoner in his sick game. He claims that this is the only one he has ever crossed the line with sexually and all the others were emotional affairs( which to me is the worst) he spent all his time telling these women that i was bypolar and crazy and he would rent cars to pick them up( so he would not be seen in our crappy old van) he rented several cars telling this woman he owned them all, lied about our marital status( we had seperated a long time ago had not had sex for a year, had diffrent homes ect.) even sent her pictures of another persons home. talked about all the money he had and spent on fancy dates  and went through thousands while i wondered why sitting on a budget. he told this woman he would leave me for her and he broke it off in feb telling her he needed to get all the divorce over before he could continue on. in the meantime he bought me a huge diamond and took me on a huge vacation to hawaii to in his words " renew things" in his mind that was his way of makeing it better but still kept this woman hanging on. I wonder what he thought would happen when she found out about who he really was( a regular guy driveing a mini van). we were in the mist of trying to have another child literally and I had even timed everything just so. he wanted one so bad. i found out the week we were doing this ( I found out about this woman the day after and am hopeing it did not take) why would he do this?and to top it off this woman said she had an std while with him and now I need to go get tested. ( this is not the first time and humilateing because i have only ever had 2 partners) . after finding out and after confessing a bit this was after lieing for several hours after being confronted with details. I left. he threatened to kill himself and called a hotline. to top it off we just sold our buisness and he has offered to give me all assets and proceeds as restitution for all the pain he has caused. I go see a lawyer this next week  to write up papers. he says he will not fight it and will be agreeable as long as he can see our son. It will be over quick as I know if I dont get this done he will suck away any means to help me have a life and I need to take care of my children not to mention i am forty years old . and yet I still hold out hope and I love this man. that we could fix this someday if he never stops therapy . it will be a lifelong challenge that he will have to keep at bay. he needs to learn to be responsible and be a good steward of money and be an asset to a family instead of a drain. the love does not stay perfect everyday. the deep love comes with the challenges you have akeing a marriage work. he is addicted to the idea of love the new love but that always wears off. I need someone who loves me and is commited even when its not my best day. I feel responsible in alot of ways. feel like I drove him to this . I do not feel I fulfilled his emotional needs because I had more needs then most people and with all my issues I required alot of support. sexually we were fine and I fulfilled those needs .I feel like I was not capable to give him what he needed because his problems exasperated mine leaveing my anxiety and panic to take over. I think I might be a dependent personality and seem to have alot of the borderline traits myself. but I could not fix these issues with someone that was makeing me feel so out of control and helpless. this is why I have to leave. I will secure my financial future so I at least can figure out what to do as I need to go back to work ( I have stayed at home) This man stole and mismanaged money the whole marriage. I even cut off his access several times but he always found a way to continue on. financial infidelity is real and its tortures a woman with my issues. and I dont want to pay the price of his sins because i am his spouse.
 I still am waiting on this custody decision to be decided ( ironic that the selling point was a complete family and siblings  along with the fact I stay at home and dont work  alot ) and then I can make a decision on a plan with my toddler that I have with him. my stepson calls me mom and his mother rarley sees him and he will be the one affected the most by this which is really sad as I love him. I still have him because I wanted him to feel stable till it actually happens and talked my husband into leaveing him till school is out). he is very attached to my boys and will be devastated to not see them much. I even begged for visitation in which he said he would give me whenever possible. but not sure that is the healthiest thing. are borderlines capable of getting this under control? not sure he fits all the criteria but most of it and I wonder is he could also have anti social traits. I know they are like an alcoholic and just need to learn how to manage it. with constant help. I of couse have not told him my secret wishes of repairing someday and I don't know how anyone comes back from this. ( the lies are so big and have gone on to long).

[massagequeen]

i apolgize if I am all over the place rambeling and for my terrible grammer but i am definatly not normal right now and there is to much to even voice its overwhelming.

[happendtome]

Are you sure he actually WAS in the car accident. Because i have seen so many ridiculous lies that i wouldnt trust anything these people say.
And the reason he tells you he loves you is because you are his source. Nothing else. Sorry, but thats the truth. So you have to let go and close that door

[massagequeen]

yes I am positive he had this accident. I am close to his family and its a miricle he pulled through. his mother is devastated and is there to support me and help him figure it out. he confessed all the details to them and is now writting lists after sitting down with them and haveing them share som ethings that they needed closure on for many years so he can make it right. he has also called my siblings and other to tell them everything and apolgize for it all. this has been a secret I have hidden from my loved ones for fear they would hate him. He is now in general addiction recovery and is going through some steps to make restitution for all these things. I feel the biggest problem was by hideing these things from the world I was enableing his behavior. this is why I need to leave . but ending a second marriage is hard. I will go through with it because I do not feel this person will ever change by being with me. but yes, I have had many deep discussions with his mother and siblings trying to make sense of this to get some closure and to understand ( it frees my mind a bit so I can move on). He also texts me or calls periodically to tell me about things he has lied about over time as he remembers them. he understands I need this in order to get back to normal again for some reason. it does not even matter how bad it is, I have sort of detatched and feel greatful every time he tells me something new as sick as that sounds. This is my way of healing and solidifies that this is the right decision and that this person needs long term change before I can ever consider going back there. but time will tell. sometimes time has a funny way of just working things out and we move on to brighter things and a better future. I cannot ignore that he is the father of my child and is very loveing to the children. this man gets up in the night with the baby without ever being asked and is very nurtureing to the kids.( he raised his own son virtually alone for years sinse he was a baby)
I go through alot of emotions . I feel anger , rage, hate, love , compassion, gratitude, releif, fear, emptiness, loneliness. I have never had so many ups and downs in my life. I feel like I could write a book or this is something from the movies. this man even told me he would pay me whatever I needed to alimony child support without blinking an eye... he has let me rage and cry and seems to take resonsibility right now but the actions long term is what matters and I realize this. I don't want to raise another child or have to control him while emasculating him at the same time he needs to man up. prove that he does have it in him to be dependable and a person with integrity. if not for me for the next woman and his children because they need a good example in their lives and he will have an effect on them. I will never be able to stop contact with this man because of this. all I can do is forge ahead and be cautious obout my choices in the future and hope I can have a brighter one while healing from this mess.

[happendtome]

You are in the fog, you must brutally end all contact. Otherwise it would destroy you and your kids life. These people dont change. Never, they will continue harm everyone who are close to them. You need to think about yourself and your kids. That is the only way to reclaim back your life, to see sunshine again

[AlternateReality]

MessageQueen i am sorry for what your going through.  I can say one thing after reading your story, the relationship sounds extremely toxic.   It really is difficult to get an understanding of whats going , but it sounds like both of you maybe struggling with your own issues.    Having been in a relationship with a BPD , and both with our own children, blending families makes it that much more difficult.   Try to keep in mind that you are teaching your children by example what is acceptable for relationships.   I constantly had to ask myself, do i want my son to grow up and accept a relationship like i currently was going through. 

Trying to understand if you brought your own issues into the relationship or if they were manufactured by the way your partner has been treating you is a difficult one , especially if you are in the thick of things.    I totally understand the jealously thing, if your partner is running around on you, its only natural to start behaving in a jealous way.   This can happen a lot when with a pwBPD, as every situation is spun to make you feel like it is your fault...   After you are away from the relationship for a while you are able to see things alot more clearly...