Hawkeyedds
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: May 07, 2017, 08:29:32 PM » |
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I don't even know where to start, last fall I broke my leg hunting. It was perhaps the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
I've been married for 18 years. I adore my wife. We have five kids. Up until I broke my leg, I've always tried to "fix" all the things that she would be upset about. I thought if I just did more I could keep juggling all the plates that were thrown up in air. After I broke my leg, I crashed. I got depressed. I couldn't do any more. Shortly after I broke my leg she, unloaded on me about all the things that were wrong in our lives, and revisited every decision that "I" had made that ruined her life. Everything from having kids, to where I went to school, to where we lived and so forth. It was a total of about 15 things in about 30 seconds. I was mildly surprised and impressed at how quickly they rolled off her tongue. At the same time I realized those 15 or so things, were about the only things that I had stood my ground on in our marriage. Almost every other little detail of our lives is ceeded to her, because it seemed to make her happier, or it meant more to her. I thought I was being a good husband. But she accused me of being controlling, etc. I've given up just about everything to try and make her happy. I don't have friends, because they would take me away from home, and it just wasn't worth the effort. I've kind of just become numb.
So once I broke my leg, I broke. I jut couldn't do it any more. I had just hit the pinnacle of my career. Over the past six years I had built an amazing dental practice. Last year I had just built my very own building. I had arrived. Yet I was miserable. I broke my leg the week after I moved into my new office. While I was wallowing in self pity for breaking my leg, I realized I had been pushing the issues off as "situational". "When ... .it'll get better" (when we're done with the Army, when the kids are done with diapers, when we have our dream home, when ... .). We'd accomplished all those things, and it was miserable. I would walk away from it all I she could be happy.
Anyway I went to therapy, I asked her to come with me, but she refused. She chewed me out about how selfish I was for trying to fix us, how I hadn't wanted to go when she was struggling. (In my defense she never asked me to go or I would have). There's no way when simeone is struggling, I can just say, "hey you need counseling". I didn't want the explosion or confrontation.
At counseling I started to explain all this and she asked if I'd ever heard of BPD? I said no, she told me to check it out. So I did. And my eyes have been opened. She got about 8.5/9 criteria exactly.
So here I am, about two months after that discovery. And with the knowledge I've gained, the more confused I am.
On one hand I feel horrible for her and the demons she's dealing with, and in the other I feel so manipulated. I've always wonder d why I was never allowed to have feelings if they weren't the same as her feelings. I've actually never really had my feelings validated. I've always felt that her unhappiness was because I wasn't doing enough, I mean that's what I was told in a routine basis.
I love her, but I can't keep going like this. I've beefed her to go to counseling with me, for my sake. I can't share any feelings with her, because I don't feel safe. I feel if there a therapist there at least maybe I could share a little how I feel, without her exploding into either rage or depression? Her defenses are so built up, any time I try to share my feelings, there's 43 reasons why it's my fault and I get so frustrated I can't even respond. I know I have to take a stand, it's just so hard, when it's been my fault for so long. I keep second guessing myself, maybe it is just my problem. Maybe I am that crappy of a person or husband. I know I'm not, but it's hard when you're constantly told you're not enough, so start believing you are.
I guess that's why I'm here. I can't talk to very many people, because I don't want to taint their image of her. I don't want to talk to my family for that reason, I don't want to talk to her family because they will try and fix her. I'm just so lost.
I don't want to leave, we have five very wonderful kids. What example would that set? If I did, I'd want custody, and since I'm the guy, good luck. I want to protect them, and I'd feel as though I'd abandon them if I left. I don't want to leave, but I can't keep being blamed for all the unhappiness. I have to fix myself first and let the cards fall where they will. I guess that's why I'm here. To find others, that can relate, and see what has worked, and what hasn't. I'm willing to try just about anything. There's a lot more, but I'm sure you get the idea.
Cheers
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