BPD Spouse is attending DBT, but no one's even mentioning BPD?

[tennysongirl]

From what I can tell, spouse is suffering with high-functioning BPD - able to hold down a job, parent adequately, etc., but stressful situations and conflict can and do trigger him very quickly, with the most common pattern being that he tries to cut out whatever he thinks is causing him stress - be it where we live currently (moved 3 times in 2 years) or a person (ALWAYS me, his brother, his mom, and sometimes friends), with one recent instance of self-harm.  He's attending DBT individual therapy, as well as a DBT group weekly, but from what I can tell, no one, even his therapist, has mentioned the fact that he has BPD.

I attended his last personal session with him, hoping to gain some insight and learn how he was doing and any insights that might help me. Instead of discussing anything constructive specifically for BPD, I ended up feeling very ganged-up on by he and his therapist - therapist basically allowed him to demand that I agree to a weekly class MYSELF in addition to personal therapy i'm already attending or else we were splitting up. DBT seems like great skills for anyone to learn, which is why I'm not too upset about attending a class myself, but I'm confused as to why BPD hasn't been targeted specifically.

I feel like he's not saying anything to his therapist because he recently told me he "doesn't even think he HAS it" and I'm curious why the therapist wouldn't seem to be picking up on it.

What is okay for me to say and not say when it comes to bringing up that I think he NEEDS to let his therapist know so that he can actually be working on this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jester20]

Hi,
My husband attends group therapy and has also done DBT in USA before moving here.
I think the therapist will be quite well aware of his diognosis. DBT is therapy for BPD and my husband had to be referred by a psyche after diognosis.
The chances are she is well aware.
What do you mean when you say the BPD is not being targeted specifically?
DBT/group therapy is a very long process... .l my husband has had to make a 3 year commitment to it. He has done 9 months... .1 hour per week. And in June it will be 6 hours per week.
This type of therapy is no quick fix. It has to come from the person themselves.
He might not be able to acknowledge he suffers from his. My husband fortunately has acknowledged that he has this disorder.
Your husband may acknowledge this with tine, he may... .I don't think you should expect anything from him with regards to that.
The important thing about DBT is that it gives people the skills to improve their relationships... .and hopefully control their behaviour.
The important thing is that he goes to therapy and acquires these skills. Maybe with time he will see the benefit.

[waverider]

The term is not bandied around a lot for a couple of reasons. It can cause clients to push back and sometimes feel it is resolvable. Sometimes pwBPD can use it as a get out of responsibility card.

As long as the correct tools are being taught that is all that matters. It is probably more of a need for reassurance to yourself that it has been acknowledged that is bugging you.

It is important for you to be on board with the techniques so that you can at least see, and support, when he is attempting to use them

[tennysongirl]

Thanks, Hulu and Waverider, that was helpful.

I guess instead of it seeming like BPD not being targeted specifically, i should have been even MORE specific and expressed that I feel that his cut-and-run/recycle patterns weren't being addressed. Currently going through another stage where he has decided we need a divorce (there's been no mutual communication about this... .he tends to just announce it to me and then live his life like he's single for a few weeks) and is attempting to cut me out of his life.

Obviously, DBT takes time to learn and I've noticed these past few weeks when he's trying to utilize the skills and let him know that I appreciate that.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on in relation to communicating with pwBPD, validating, recycling, and we saw my current therapist together and both separately, so therapist also has a good feel for how his pattern of recycling tends to pop up after a few months of things going well.

I just haven't been able to find much on breaking the recycle pattern elsewhere other than to just decide it's better to move on and call it quits. I've considered this over and over in my head, but I have yet to reach a point where I think this is the best decision. Obviously, I can't make someone stay, but... .I fell in love with this person for a reason, and it's been really hard lately to even catch glimpses of what he used to be like. I feel like BPD "stole" my husband, and it's killing me to see him in so much pain, but he won't reach out or share other than to corner me quietly and remind me that he'd like to talk divorce plans again. I try to validate these feelings, and let him know that I realize he must be feeling pretty low to ask for a divorce, but I'm also not eager to jump to agree to anything yet.

[waverider]

I feel like BPD "stole" my husband, and it's killing me to see him in so much pain, but he won't reach out or share other than to corner me quietly and remind me that he'd like to talk divorce plans again. I try to validate these feelings, and let him know that I realize he must be feeling pretty low to ask for a divorce, but I'm also not eager to jump to agree to anything yet.

Part of the cut and run mentality may not be not running from you but running from that role model he wanted to be (ie the husband that you wanted him to be), but cant sustain. It may make him feel like a failure, unable to do things the way he used to, and hence wants to cut his losses and hit the button.

Much of a pwBPDs ideal personality is leached off the person they idealise rather than from deep within, eventually it becomes diluted and cant be self perpetuated. They feel very exposed which feeds their own insecurities. Things escalate from there.

The end result is a fear of failure, which is then projected onto others to provide the justification to cut and run.

[tennysongirl]

so then i guess the question is... .how to continue? I'm trying to validate as mention of his feelings (pretty minimal) comes up but there's not much else I can do at this point.

He seems resentful that I haven't offered to move out, but... .we just moved. Moved beginning of this year and beginning of last year, and I just get stable and find a job wherever we end up and things go well and then he decides divorce is necessary. I'm usually the one to upend my life and move but this time, I'm not offering. I'm not begging him to stay either. I'm trying to remain neutral while being validating and quietly standing up for myself, but i feel like this is tricky to do with someone with BPD and have the outcome go smoothly.

[louisiana77]

You have my empathy, TG. I tend to agree that there's not much else you can do at this point. If he's insisting on leaving, trying to convince him otherwise will only cause more pain. As far as his resenting that you're not offering to move out, I think you have every right to stay in your new home, since he's the one who's decided he needs to go. Maybe that will help break the pattern the two of you've settled into, where he moves you both to a new town then cuts & runs. I hope your therapist is a helpful ear in all this and that you find your way to greater clarity in the coming months.

[tennysongirl]

Well I guess that answers that. Was informed last night he's moving out for a month in order to give me 'the space i need in order to accept that we're getting divorced.' At this point I'm ready to have the house to myself, so it's a mixed blessing.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and the helpful pointers. Literally taking it a day at a time over here and trying not to react or make the situation worse. Just tired of the drama and tip-toeing, which sucks, bc I love this guy and I know that's not all there is to him.