After 5 months of NC, my uBPDexgf hung out with my friends and I feel hurt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDexgf is a musician, and last weekend she played a show with a couple good friends of mine. I have maintained a fairly strict NC policy with her since we broke up 5 months ago -- she's texted a couple times wanting to hang out and I responded to politely decline -- so after a lot of deliberation and processing, I decided not to attend the show because the thought of seeing her still makes me feel anxious. The day after the show, I asked my friend how it went, and he said that it was really great and that he really enjoyed talking and hanging out with my ex -- they didn't talk about me at all, they just nerded out over music stuff. I feel like I have made a lot of progress in moving through my feelings of heartache and obsession re: my ex in the past couple months in particular, but hearing about them hanging out made me feel freshly heartbroken and uncertain about my decision to cut off contact with her, and it made me feel like avoiding the show was cowardly and made me look weak. Intellectually, I know that neither her or my friends did anything wrong and I'm fairly certain that avoiding her was the right move, but my heart is feeling a lot of neglect, confusion, pain and resentment towards her and my friends.

Any feedback and/or encouragement is greatly welcomed.

[monaco]

My uBPDexgf is a musician, and last weekend she played a show with a couple good friends of mine. I have maintained a fairly strict NC policy with her since we broke up 5 months ago -- she's texted a couple times wanting to hang out and I responded to politely decline -- so after a lot of deliberation and processing, I decided not to attend the show because the thought of seeing her still makes me feel anxious. The day after the show, I asked my friend how it went, and he said that it was really great and that he really enjoyed talking and hanging out with my ex -- they didn't talk about me at all, they just nerded out over music stuff. I feel like I have made a lot of progress in moving through my feelings of heartache and obsession re: my ex in the past couple months in particular, but hearing about them hanging out made me feel freshly heartbroken and uncertain about my decision to cut off contact with her, and it made me feel like avoiding the show was cowardly and made me look weak. Intellectually, I know that neither her or my friends did anything wrong and I'm fairly certain that avoiding her was the right move, but my heart is feeling a lot of neglect, confusion, pain and resentment towards her and my friends.

Any feedback and/or encouragement is greatly welcomed.

[doy]

hi Monaco,

i think the only impression you left was not being interested in seeing her. you reasons and emotions behind it are yours, she cannot see them. might as well be you are with somebody else, or just lost your interest or respect for her. (which you might, too)
also, you do not need to look at yourself through her eyes.

it is tough, but you took a turn for the right . you didn't do that for no reason , you saw your love was not safe with her .
i think you did really well and still are doing really well deciding not to go...

[monaco]

Thanks a lot for the perspective, doy.

[RomanticFool]

I totally understand why you would be upset, especially with your friends. I used to get upset when friends let me down because I had expectations of how people should behave. Unfortunately, others did not understand my attempts to control their behaviour and often reacted accordingly. So my new tack was, instead of telling them how they have let me down and what bad friends they were, I would take a new and far more successful approach; I would tell them how I feel. That is one thing nobody can argue with.

So in your current situation I would say something to a trusted friend like: 'Because the wound is still fairly raw, I felt hurt about you hanging out with her.' In my experience, a good friend would talk it through with me in an understanding way. Somebody who was not so close may not want to discuss it and that then tells me something about their friendship and whether I feel I can trust them.

I think how you handled it was admirable and, like you, I would not have gone to the event. Why on earth would you want to see somebody who ripped your heart out and pretend all was well? In this situation, you only get well by no contact and giving yourself distance from the damage these people do to our emotional lives.

BPD's go their their safe place when they give us the silent treatment. When we are splitting up from the damage they have done to us, it is only right and proper that we should stay in our safe place, away from their damaged behaviour, permanently.

[monaco]

Thanks for the advice and affirmation, RomanticFool.

Based on my ex's long history of abandonment, neglect and turbulent relationships, and her strong display of most of the characteristics, I'm fairly convinced that she has BPD. But I also brought maladjustment into our relationship. I identify as an Addict (in early recovery), and I have to constantly remind myself that I am still very prone to developing elaborate fantasies around intense feelings... .and then suffering the consequent emotional turbulence when those fantasies are not accommodated by people or circumstances. While I feel like NC has allowed me to make decent progress in overcoming my addiction to this particular woman -- and the euphoria, excitement and fantasy that was generated by her -- I am, apparently, still very susceptible to being emotionally triggered by her, and so it seems pretty obvious that I should completely avoid her if I want to continue to heal and develop the ability to have healthy boundaries and a perspective that's rooted in reality.

[Mutt]

Hi monaco,

I am, apparently, still very susceptible to being emotionally triggered by her, and so it seems pretty obvious that I should completely avoid her if I want to continue to heal and develop the ability to have healthy boundaries and a perspective that's rooted in reality.

That's right and I agree with RomanticFool. Maybe my situation helps you or maybe not, my ex smeared me to all of our mutual friends, well they were her friends first, anyways I was in touch with a couple that left me behind and they're still friends with her today. My family also asked me questions and you articulated that well, things were still raw and as RomanticFool suggested I just told family and friends that we're recently separated and I'd appreciate it if they didn't relay any news about her.

No contact is not a hard and fast rule. No contact is self protection against people that continuously abuse you, it's a buffer between you and your ex, it gives you all of the time that you need to recover from your break up and heal., she doesn't have the capacity to put herself in your shoes and empathize with your pain. Your friends and family will probably respect your decision if you don't want to hear about your ex, above all do what you feel is right for you in your situation so that you can recover more quickly.