Signs that you were enabling in the r/s

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The following article made me pause and think about my marriage with my uBPDex and how I was not valuing myself and I needed to let go of the r/s. I'm not going to go through the entire list, they all apply to me but I just wanted to go through a couple and I'd like to hear from others as well.

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/signs-you-are-an-enabler_us_58545000e4b0390447089371?platform=hootsuite

I used to agree to everything because I hate conflict, I thought that there shouldn't be conflict in a r/s, later on in the marriage things turned bad and there was a lot of conflict, it was heartbreaking because I had seen signs of my parents marriage that I didn't want in mine. Something that I thought that is interesting is that I was soothing my exuBPDex by trying to prevent conflict with apologizing for things that I didn't need to apologize for. It wasn't just with her but there is a theme that carried over from one r/s to the next and I chose similar partners too.

I think that it's important to identify some of these traits so that we make different choices in relationships and we're happier in the relationship and life in general.

The last thing that I wanted to share with you is thinking that I could handle the problems better than anyone is true and I agree it was ego-based but if we look at healthy characteristics in relationships we should be more relaxed with each other and think that our partners have good ideas and collaborate together.

Can you relate with some or all of these signs in your relationships? Do you agree or disagree with the points that the article makes? Can you think of other signs that you're enabling in a r/s? What changes would you make moving forward?

[Mutt]

The following article made me pause and think about my marriage with my uBPDex and how I was not valuing myself and I needed to let go of the r/s. I'm not going to go through the entire list, they all apply to me but I just wanted to go through a couple and I'd like to hear from others as well.

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/signs-you-are-an-enabler_us_58545000e4b0390447089371?platform=hootsuite

I used to agree to everything because I hate conflict, I thought that there shouldn't be conflict in a r/s, later on in the marriage things turned bad and there was a lot of conflict, it was heartbreaking because I had seen signs of my parents marriage that I didn't want in mine. Something that I thought that is interesting is that I was soothing my exuBPDex by trying to prevent conflict with apologizing for things that I didn't need to apologize for. It wasn't just with her but there is a theme that carried over from one r/s to the next and I chose similar partners too.

I think that it's important to identify some of these traits so that we make different choices in relationships and we're happier in the relationship and life in general.

The last thing that I wanted to share with you is thinking that I could handle the problems better than anyone is true and I agree it was ego-based but if we look at healthy characteristics in relationships we should be more relaxed with each other and think that our partners have good ideas and collaborate together.

Can you relate with some or all of these signs in your relationships? Do you agree or disagree with the points that the article makes? Can you think of other signs that you're enabling in a r/s? What changes would you make moving forward?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt, Great article.  I suspect that the list applies, at least in part, to anyone who has been in a BPD r/s.  In my view, codependency runs with the territory, because to some extent you have to be an enabler in order to be in a BPD r/s in the first place.

I'll focus on point 4: the r/s never seems to get better.  Story of my marriage.  I had this flawed idea that if I tried hard enough we would reach a plateau of relative emotional tranquility.  It never happened and looking back I would say that it was like a mirage, something on the horizon that proved unattainable.  Agree w/the article: you can't do it all.  I would argue that it's an unhealthy dynamic for all, both the care giver/enabler and the care recipient/pwBPD.

Now I'm in a r/s where we support each other, but each of us leads our own life, which seems a lot healthier.  We both put in the effort and I don't try to do it all, which works out better for both of us.

LuckyJim

[foggydew]

I think that surely some of the things apply, but maybe not always for the same reasons. "In a codependent relationship, the enabler focuses on the feelings and needs of the other partner, usually at the expense of their own, said Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California.  While it may make them feel good about themselves ― saintly, even ― it’s not healthy."
When I focused on my husband's feelings, it was not only to help him, there was also the suggestion of power in it. Not that I was better, or saintly, but I could "buy" peace and time for myself. It was a kind of cop-out. Doing things for someone has the same elements - not necessarily that the enabler can do it better, but actually doing it yourself gives you power over how and when something is done.
Avoiding conflict is another one. At first, I didn't avoid conflict, I actually learned to fight verbally with him. That was pretty good for me. But the never-ending conflicts and arguments - sometimes all night - wore me down and I'd do anything after a while to be able to sleep, because I was the bread-winner.
It did become better - we spent almost 30 years together. I miss him, but I did pay a high price for the relationship. Yet it did provide me with much I needed. I suppose I learned to cope with such a relationship through my FOO.

[HopefulDad]

Of the 6 points in that article, all but #3 applied to me to a decent degree.  My biggest guilt was #2 (over-apologizing).  I had a therapist tell me point blank, "Stop enabling her."

[vortex of confusion]

This was a painful read! All 6 things applied at some level.

I consistently put his needs ahead of my own whether it was emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or pretty much anything else. When I think back on things, I recall specific times when I would ask for things only to be dismissed as being demanding or unreasonable. He gaslighted me into thinking that my needs weren't important. Over time, it became easier to start out focusing on him and his needs. I knew he wasn't going to listen to me anyway. My needs are important and they are not unreasonable.

The constant apologizing was another big one.

I am not sure what to think about "No one can handle issues better than you." More often than not, ex wouldn't even try to handle something. I am not sure if he was holding out because he knew he could get away with NOT doing it because I would come in and rescue. We had a stand off that lasted over a year because he wouldn't clean up the shingles after our roof was replaced. It was painful for me. It needed to be done. He would tell me that I was a nag and that he would do it. Over a year later, it still wasn't done and I had people asking me why it wasn't done. The stand off ended when our oldest daughter stepped in and started to clean it up. He helped her a little bit and then left it to her, which meant that I stepped up and helped because I wasn't going to let her do it by herself.

Perhaps it wasn't that I thought I could handle issues better. I think it was more that I let him get away with NOT doing anything at all. I don't know that anybody could have sat by as quietly as I did.

No matter what I did, the relationship didn't seem to get any better. It was very unfulfilling for a whole lot of years. It was unfulfilling because it was NOT reciprocal.

There were times that I thought I was being overly demanding or overly critical. He seemed perfectly content to not do his fair share. He seemed perfectly content to do what he wanted. I was the one that had a problem with the relationship. What was my problem? I think one of the things that isn't explicitly on the list is, "Assume that you are the problem in the relationship/take too much responsibility for the relationship".

My life completely revolved around him. When it didn't, he would get butthurt and act like I was a horrible person. I learned to be home when he got home from work, answer his texts or calls immediately, and stop whatever I was doing to take care of him.

I saw ex as a petulant child, which meant that I didn't really expect much from him. I had a counselor ask me, "Could you accept that kind of behavior/treatment from somebody that you saw as an equal?" Um, nope. As soon as I started taking him out of the "petulant child" box, it became more and more difficult for me to tolerate his behavior and be so helpful.

[Turkish]

The first 5, but not 6.

6. To some extent, you see your spouse as helpless.

There were,  and still are, some things she does better then me.  Then again,  I would get caught up in doing things that she was perfectly capable of doing herself.  

This last year,  she asked about my credit union,  and how to get an account there (it's better then the big bank she has been with for years). Instead of enabling her,  I told her to check the website for rates and types of accounts,  and said that it was a community credit union and that you didn't need to be employed by a specific company like the old days.  

Opening a new account is about the simplest "adult" thing in the world.  She darn well knew how. I wasn't going to play Parent to her Child. I get 1.95% on my checking account.  It isn't much,  but better than close to zero.  These things aren't difficult.  

Same thing goes for my 25 yo ex-BIL. I tried to encourage him to start an IRA (individual retirement account). He's a college graduate.  He said,  "how do I do that?" I said,   "Talk to someone at your bank first... ."

Did I have to say, "go to Google,  type in these words,: 'how do I start a Roth IRA'." Seriously? "Call Fidelity, Charles Schwab, UBS, or your car insurance company." No,  I didn't say these things to him,  but I wanted to. I'll consider myself a failure as a father if my kids turn out so lazy.

My days of rescuing those who can certainly rescue themselves are over.  There are people on our streets, for example,  who really need rescuing.  I'll do what I can,  when I can,  for them.
Am I bitter a bit? Only at myself.    

[balletomane]

The first five things on that list were me down to the ground. I didn't just apologise too much, I apologised for things I didn't even do in order to appease his paranoia and make him stop screaming at me (and he used to be adamant he could read my mind and he would accuse me of having all sorts of bizarre and horrible thoughts, for which I would apologise in floods of tears). I was also convinced that no one understood him like me and no one could help him like me, which is why I didn't tell anyone about the abuse he put me through for quite a long time: I thought people would judge him unfairly because they "didn't understand his problems" the way I did and would take his behaviour "out of context." (Interestingly, when I finally did develop a spine and tell him that what he had done to me was unacceptable, he told me that he'd only done those things because I "needed tough love" and accused me of taking his behaviour out of context in order to manipulate him.) The only thing on the list that I can't relate to is number 6. In spite of my belief that I was the only person who really understood him, I still knew that he could cope with life without me, and that one day he was going to walk away - I knew what his relationship history was like. I spent so much time trying to stave off that moment.

[FantasticMsDox]

The first 5, but not 6.

There were,  and still are, some things she does better then me.  Then again,  I would get caught up in doing things that she was perfectly capable of doing herself.  

This last year,  she asked about my credit union,  and how to get an account there (it's better then the big bank she has been with for years). Instead of enabling her,  I told her to check the website for rates and types of accounts,  and said that it was a community credit union and that you didn't need to be employed by a specific company like the old days.  

Opening a new account is about the simplest "adult" thing in the world.  She darn well knew how. I wasn't going to play Parent to her Child. I get 1.95% on my checking account.  It isn't much,  but better than close to zero.  These things aren't difficult.  

Same thing goes for my 25 yo ex-BIL. I tried to encourage him to start an IRA (individual retirement account). He's a college graduate.  He said,  "how do I do that?" I said,   "Talk to someone at your bank first... ."

Did I have to say, "go to Google,  type in these words,: 'how do I start a Roth IRA'." Seriously? "Call Fidelity, Charles Schwab, UBS, or your car insurance company." No,  I didn't say these things to him,  but I wanted to. I'll consider myself a failure as a father if my kids turn out so lazy.

My days of rescuing those who can certainly rescue themselves are over.  There are people on our streets, for example,  who really need rescuing.  I'll do what I can,  when I can,  for them.
Am I bitter a bit? Only at myself.    

Funny, I remember how my ex would always me to google stuff for her. Which kinda always bothered me because... .Googling something is about the easiest thing one can do. And when I would ask her 'why' she would reply with "you're so much better at it than I am"

Which to this day still blows my mind

[Mutt]

Thanks everybody that joined so far and thanks for your input, good discussion 

Agree w/the article: you can't do it all.  I would argue that it's an unhealthy dynamic for all, both the care giver/enabler and the care recipient/pwBPD.

You have a good point, we can't do it everything in a r/s on our own, you'll feel resentment and depressed. If you put yourself back in those shoes and compare yourself to where you are today, you've come a long way. Did you think that things where hopeless, are you surprised at how far you've come?

I didn't know what I was in or what was going on, what I felt was that this is bad and how am I going to get out of this? I'm married with kids and my partner is miserable, blames me for everything, she picks fights with me and is not interested with trying to repair things, it was the opposite she was damaging our marriage.

To be fair, it wasn't just her, I gave up trying at one point and I retaliated on a primitive level and thought I'll fight back harder, the marriage was on a death spiral that never stopped. Anyways getting back to what I said, it took the help of an entire group to mend and to be encouraged to keep pushing forward, for that I'm so grateful.

I saw ex as a petulant child, which meant that I didn't really expect much from him. I had a counselor ask me, "Could you accept that kind of behavior/treatment from somebody that you saw as an equal?" Um, nope. As soon as I started taking him out of the "petulant child" box, it became more and more difficult for me to tolerate his behavior and be so helpful.

That's an interesting point, was this before the break-up or after? When did you start seeing him as a petulant child? Looking back today I have some memories where she was very emotionally immature and was acting like a petulant child but at the time, I put up with it because I didn't think that I deserved better, I didn't value myself.

I recall something a nurse told me a long time ago, she was just counseling me and she said "If you don't care about yourself, nobody else will" I think that there is wisdom in those words, I value myself higher today then I did when I was with my ex and I wouldn't put up with someone that is acting like a petulant child. I think that I had to pair up with my ex because of how low my self esteem was, I just couldn't see it and I certainly wasn't listening to others, my exe's extreme behaviors force my issues front and center, I had to deal with them.

I mentioned this in another thread and an advisor point this out, these behaviors today bother me because I've become healthier, I never thought about it that way, on the other hand they don't have the same effect as they once did or it doesn't last as long, because it's not personal it doesn't belong to me, it belongs to someone else. I used to carry it on my back and if I think about it today, it doesn't make sense it was something that was just a habit, it caused me a lot unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

[Lucky Jim]

If you put yourself back in those shoes and compare yourself to where you are today, you've come a long way. Did you think that things where hopeless, are you surprised at how far you've come?

Thanks, Mutt.  Yes, it's been a long journey.

Did I think that things were hopeless? Yes, I lost myself in the throes of a BPD r/s.

Am I surprised at how far I've come?    Well, I consider myself extremely lucky to have emerged from the BPD quagmire and couldn't have come this far without the help and support of family, friends, professionals and significant others, not to mention many kind folks on this site, who backed me up along the way.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Did you think that things where hopeless, are you surprised at how far you've come?

Yes, I very much thought that things were hopeless. I didn't know how I was going to get out of the marriage while being responsible for 4 kids. I didn't think that I could do it on my own. I thought I had to have ex there to help me. He would pretty much tell me that. Oh, it will be easier if I help you. No, that wasn't the case at all. I feel like I am totally rocking the single mom thing. The kids and I are doing light years better than we were before he left. The kids and I have had discussions where they have said things like, "I didn't realize how much dad's negativity was impacting us all." Words cannot describe how far I have come in the last year or two.

I didn't know what I was in or what was going on, what I felt was that this is bad and how am I going to get out of this? I'm married with kids and my partner is miserable, blames me for everything, she picks fights with me and is not interested with trying to repair things, it was the opposite she was damaging our marriage.

I can really relate to those feelings of "how am I going to get out of this". I was at a point where I didn't care so much about the relationship or trying to repair things between us. There was a point where I felt like I was fighting to take care of myself. I remember crying and thinking, "I just want to be able to sleep." I would ask him to watch the kids so I could rest and it didn't happen. I would ask for things that were very, very basic with regards to helping with childcare and stuff around the house. I feel like I tried my best to do it all because he wasn't interested in helping me.

That's an interesting point, was this before the break-up or after? When did you start seeing him as a petulant child? Looking back today I have some memories where she was very emotionally immature and was acting like a petulant child but at the time, I put up with it because I didn't think that I deserved better, I didn't value myself.

I honestly don't know when I shifted to seeing him as a petulant child. It was well before the break up. I think I shifted into that mind set at some point because that was the only way I could cope with his behaviors. Hmmm, I am thinking that I shifted to thinking of him as a petulant child around the time that we lived with his parents. He wouldn't stand up to his mother. He wouldn't help us get out of her house. It was like he resorted to being a little kid again. After we moved out of his parents house, it seemed like he was never the same again. During that time, I was left home with no car and 3 small children. I don't think I was able to get a car to have for me to drive until some time after our 4th was born.

There were so many times that he would stomp off and act like a rebellious teenager. I put up with it because I didn't think I had a choice. I thought I had to honor my wedding vows. I thought I had to give my kids an in tact home with a mom and a dad. I now see that my thinking was completely messed up. I feel like my home is more in tact now, with just me, than it ever was with him around. He was in competition with the kids.

I mentioned this in another thread and an advisor point this out, these behaviors today bother me because I've become healthier, I never thought about it that way, on the other hand they don't have the same effect as they once did or it doesn't last as long, because it's not personal it doesn't belong to me, it belongs to someone else. I used to carry it on my back and if I think about it today, it doesn't make sense it was something that was just a habit, it caused me a lot unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

So much of what ex does bothers me now. This last week, he had to ask me for money so he could come see the kids. Without thinking, I gave it to him. Afterwards, I did make an issue of it and he agreed to pay me back. There are a lot of things that I am not sitting on and stewing on. I am calling him out on it and not tolerating it any longer. I don't care any longer if he sees me as a b***h. I used to be so afraid of being mean or being a b***h that I became a door mat.