Adult step-daughter with BPD - her father is 78 and I'm 67 - it is overwhelming

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've known my husband for 29 years, been in a relationship with him for 11 years after I was widowed and we have been married for 6 years.  His 49 year old daughter lives in a house he owns with her 19 year old child. 

There seem to be no boundaries in this family.  She gets mad and rages at her father, sister, child, me and other people.  The father and sister try to get her to calm down which takes at least an hour and sometimes longer.  The first time she raged at me, I tried to set a boundary and/or stay home from a family reunion the following week.  Husband and sister thought I was the problem as I had not let the behavior go and was holding a grudge. 

The latest incident involving money husband would not give her or co-sign for has pushed us both into counseling.  He has had to be put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  We had an interaction with her yesterday over a home repair and a contractor at the house that went reasonably well.  My husband described it as dodging a bullet because it went better than it could have.  He does not want to lose his daughter and grandchild so is not willing to move her out of the house to reduce this stress (at least at this time).  She doesn't threaten suicide, throw things or self-harm she just has rage that is out of proportion to whatever is going on at the time.  At the moment, the house she lives in goes to her in his will - so even here the boundaries are weak.  Is it his house (he pays for repairs etc.), she pays him less than fair market for rent - or as she thinks of it, it is her house.  He thinks she cannot survive without all of his financial help even though she has a good job and a 2 year college degree.  Her child is in community college and working, so on her way to financial independence (we hope).

Second counseling session this week.  The counselor was talking co-dependency when we left last week.  My personal counselor has (based on my answers) suggested she has BPD. If I walk out when she has her next rage, that will cause stress on husband, even though I'm fully prepared to leave next time she flies into a rage), I worry about him.  We need help and I worry about my husband's health and mine over all of this.  I hope some of you have some ideas of how to cope.  Thank you. 

 

[Wicked step-mom]

I've known my husband for 29 years, been in a relationship with him for 11 years after I was widowed and we have been married for 6 years.  His 49 year old daughter lives in a house he owns with her 19 year old child. 

There seem to be no boundaries in this family.  She gets mad and rages at her father, sister, child, me and other people.  The father and sister try to get her to calm down which takes at least an hour and sometimes longer.  The first time she raged at me, I tried to set a boundary and/or stay home from a family reunion the following week.  Husband and sister thought I was the problem as I had not let the behavior go and was holding a grudge. 

The latest incident involving money husband would not give her or co-sign for has pushed us both into counseling.  He has had to be put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  We had an interaction with her yesterday over a home repair and a contractor at the house that went reasonably well.  My husband described it as dodging a bullet because it went better than it could have.  He does not want to lose his daughter and grandchild so is not willing to move her out of the house to reduce this stress (at least at this time).  She doesn't threaten suicide, throw things or self-harm she just has rage that is out of proportion to whatever is going on at the time.  At the moment, the house she lives in goes to her in his will - so even here the boundaries are weak.  Is it his house (he pays for repairs etc.), she pays him less than fair market for rent - or as she thinks of it, it is her house.  He thinks she cannot survive without all of his financial help even though she has a good job and a 2 year college degree.  Her child is in community college and working, so on her way to financial independence (we hope).

Second counseling session this week.  The counselor was talking co-dependency when we left last week.  My personal counselor has (based on my answers) suggested she has BPD. If I walk out when she has her next rage, that will cause stress on husband, even though I'm fully prepared to leave next time she flies into a rage), I worry about him.  We need help and I worry about my husband's health and mine over all of this.  I hope some of you have some ideas of how to cope.  Thank you. 

 

[livednlearned]

Yes, having a BPD step kid (no matter the age) can be overwhelming.   

Step parenting is already pretty hard.

Your husband is probably enmeshed in the dysfunction and lacks the perspective to see how their dynamic harms both his D and himself, not to mention you.

My SO is a great guy in every other way, he tends to be unskilled when it comes to his D20. I've had to become the emotional leader.

Being an emotional leader means role modeling what it looks like to establish good boundaries. For example, if someone rages you can say, "I want to hear what you have to say. I will not be able to hear it when you shout or yell, so I will leave when that happens. We can discuss things next time and try again."

Or, you can say this to your H in advance and drive in separate cars. Most people with BPD have no boundaries so it falls to us to enact them (talking about them is not enough, in my experience). Codependent people tend to have weak boundaries. That leaves us 

I slowly became skilled with uBPD D20 myself and SO started to notice changes. I took matters into my hands because the alternative, me trying to change him, only made me more frustrated and him more anxious. Maybe we can walk with you through different issues that drive you nuts and suggest things that might work. Context tends to matter, including what you are/are not prepared to do, and how much resentment you feel, and whether you want to coach or need to take care of yourself first. Because putting your needs first is probably job number one for any of the skills to be effective. 

We are a work in progress. D20 arrives next week and I have thought through every boundary issue like I'm preparing to scale Everest. 

[EasternToad]

We are a work in progress. D20 arrives next week and I have thought through every boundary issue like I'm preparing to scale Everest. 

Lived and Learned -- I would love to hear more detail about your packing list for the Everest assault.    What kind of boundary issues have you thought through?  I suspect there are a few of us here who could learn from your planning.