My Brother Has Gone Completely Silent, How To React

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My brother and I are very close.  I introduced him to his wife.  His wife and I were good social friends before he started crazy-making. I have co-dependency issues and rely on him a lot for support and validation.

He recently said some very hurtful illogical and damaging things to me, the last two months have been push pull mania.  He started with regretting everything I have done for him and I responded pretty pissed off.  And every other day it would be good then bad then good then bad.  The last time we had an issue it literally was crazy-making.  He claimed his wife was jealous of me and my children 2 years ago.  I found out that it was this massive manipulation when I talked to her directly, for which he apologized sincerely, crying, and then continually has perpetuated this bad feeling between his wife and my family over time. Basically we exchange pleasantries and that's it.  I was good with that.  According to him for the last year he claims his wife and mother in law and our clients (we own a business together) suspect we are having a gay affair and that we can no longer be seen together.

So I let the last round of crazy-making sit on me for a week because I had nothing to say at the time other than say well I guess we can see each other separately just the two of us (mistake #1, capitulating to the crazy) and we had a beer together and enjoyed ourselves just the two of us and everything was back to good times. And then it ate and ate and ate at me over the next few days that this was more crazy-making and I remember how upset I was the last time he decided to lie and totally screw up my relationship with his wife.

I decided to push back on it.  I was exceptionally emotional during this encounter, I was stunned and had two bottles of wine because I was anxiety driven by what had I done to create such condemnation with his family and felt intense guilt about being the source of this exceptional pain for him (mistake #2, taking the crazy on myself) and then I confronted him about it in pitiful waif way, asking "what have I done wrong?" and "why are you telling me these things?"  Fast talking, illogical, the usual manipulation tactics.  And I said you told me these things and that I am the source of the problem (he did not say I was the source of the problem actually, so this is my issue #3 victimization coming out) although this was inferred.

I felt so overloaded and mind-messed with all the recent drama with him I said I needed to get away for some time and space to recover from all this, that I was going to engage in therapy and see about anxiety medication.  I told him I would spend less time at the business because I didn't know how to communicate or be the friend he needed.  But that I would never ever abandon him.

He responded that he hurt me too much and was locking himself in.  He has since isolated himself and will not talk to me, reply to any of my messages, and is doing the same to everyone at work.  I talked to him and he refused to acknowledge me, playing on his cell phone, about being late for work. Then I called him by a nickname he and I use and he stopped.  I asked him, are you hearing me?  He immediately took the position of a sulking, guilt-ridden child.  I told him I am learning that this may just be the way you are sometimes, and I don't like it but I can deal with it.  I told him I would never abandon him and he better get it through his head.
 
A few days later he is still isolated.  I texted him telling him I cannot be responsible for the consequences of his decisions and that he needed to be responsible for his own actions including isolating himself, blaming me, blaming himself, not talking to his co-workers, etc.  I told him I would be waiting on the sidelines for him to come through this himself, and that I would be there to congratulate him when he finally made it.  And I would never give up on him, no matter how long it takes.  And that this was the best way I could love him for now.

I think I am aware of where I went wrong with my co-dependency issues, but should I just leave him alone, encourage him, validate his feelings, other? I feel my being around the business is just giving him pressure and he will never come out of his isolation by himself. 

This isolation is exceptionally painful for me, I am learning to try to let this go.  And I am afraid I have basically back-lashed him into isolation and the end.

Thanks

[monkey80]

My brother and I are very close.  I introduced him to his wife.  His wife and I were good social friends before he started crazy-making. I have co-dependency issues and rely on him a lot for support and validation.

He recently said some very hurtful illogical and damaging things to me, the last two months have been push pull mania.  He started with regretting everything I have done for him and I responded pretty pissed off.  And every other day it would be good then bad then good then bad.  The last time we had an issue it literally was crazy-making.  He claimed his wife was jealous of me and my children 2 years ago.  I found out that it was this massive manipulation when I talked to her directly, for which he apologized sincerely, crying, and then continually has perpetuated this bad feeling between his wife and my family over time. Basically we exchange pleasantries and that's it.  I was good with that.  According to him for the last year he claims his wife and mother in law and our clients (we own a business together) suspect we are having a gay affair and that we can no longer be seen together.

So I let the last round of crazy-making sit on me for a week because I had nothing to say at the time other than say well I guess we can see each other separately just the two of us (mistake #1, capitulating to the crazy) and we had a beer together and enjoyed ourselves just the two of us and everything was back to good times. And then it ate and ate and ate at me over the next few days that this was more crazy-making and I remember how upset I was the last time he decided to lie and totally screw up my relationship with his wife.

I decided to push back on it.  I was exceptionally emotional during this encounter, I was stunned and had two bottles of wine because I was anxiety driven by what had I done to create such condemnation with his family and felt intense guilt about being the source of this exceptional pain for him (mistake #2, taking the crazy on myself) and then I confronted him about it in pitiful waif way, asking "what have I done wrong?" and "why are you telling me these things?"  Fast talking, illogical, the usual manipulation tactics.  And I said you told me these things and that I am the source of the problem (he did not say I was the source of the problem actually, so this is my issue #3 victimization coming out) although this was inferred.

I felt so overloaded and mind-messed with all the recent drama with him I said I needed to get away for some time and space to recover from all this, that I was going to engage in therapy and see about anxiety medication.  I told him I would spend less time at the business because I didn't know how to communicate or be the friend he needed.  But that I would never ever abandon him.

He responded that he hurt me too much and was locking himself in.  He has since isolated himself and will not talk to me, reply to any of my messages, and is doing the same to everyone at work.  I talked to him and he refused to acknowledge me, playing on his cell phone, about being late for work. Then I called him by a nickname he and I use and he stopped.  I asked him, are you hearing me?  He immediately took the position of a sulking, guilt-ridden child.  I told him I am learning that this may just be the way you are sometimes, and I don't like it but I can deal with it.  I told him I would never abandon him and he better get it through his head.
 
A few days later he is still isolated.  I texted him telling him I cannot be responsible for the consequences of his decisions and that he needed to be responsible for his own actions including isolating himself, blaming me, blaming himself, not talking to his co-workers, etc.  I told him I would be waiting on the sidelines for him to come through this himself, and that I would be there to congratulate him when he finally made it.  And I would never give up on him, no matter how long it takes.  And that this was the best way I could love him for now.

I think I am aware of where I went wrong with my co-dependency issues, but should I just leave him alone, encourage him, validate his feelings, other? I feel my being around the business is just giving him pressure and he will never come out of his isolation by himself. 

This isolation is exceptionally painful for me, I am learning to try to let this go.  And I am afraid I have basically back-lashed him into isolation and the end.

Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi monkey80,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult between you and your brother, you mentioned a business, do you that you work together in a family business?

A few days later he is still isolated.  I texted him telling him I cannot be responsible for the consequences of his decisions and that he needed to be responsible for his own actions including isolating himself, blaming me, blaming himself, not talking to his co-workers, etc.  I told him I would be waiting on the sidelines for him to come through this himself, and that I would be there to congratulate him when he finally made it.  And I would never give up on him, no matter how long it takes.  And that this was the best way I could love him for now.

There's another option. Is your brother interested in getting help for himself? Is he diagnosed or undiagnosed? When someone is floundering they'll blame others, it depends if he's interested in doing the self work, it's hard work to learn how to regulate yourself, but you can recover from BPD.

For the sake of the this discussion, letting say that he's not interested and he likely won't change, there's a lot of pain and suffering when we wish that something isn't what it is going against the flow of reality. My father for example for many years I wished that he was a dad that would listen, validate and show that he caress, in reality he quietly suffers from an undiagnosed disorder, he displayed traits of ADHD and an anxiety disorder. Now going with the flow of reality is accepting him for who he is, he has a lot going on inside so it's really difficult for him to put himself in my shoes, he is who he is. Here's an article on radical acceptance...

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[monkey80]

Thank you for your reply. We work in a business that we own together with on other non family member.

He is undiagnosed although our parents forced him into therapy while in high school for a short time. He is therapy adverse.