Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 12:28:58 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm his trigger..  (Read 351 times)
Scarletstar

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: May 09, 2017, 05:15:21 AM »

My fiancé (and father of my 10 month old) was diagnosed a couple of months ago. He has accepted the diagnosis which is great but seems to have steadily deteriorated ever since. There are more suicide threats, more self harm, more trying to argue, more blaming me.

It really feels as though I'm his trigger. If I'm anything other than 'Stepford Wife' smiley, calm, loving and attentive then he asks me why I'm angry with him. I explain that I'm not, just deep in thought or tired or mind occupied on my busy day... he gets funny and goes really wide eyed and says I'm angry, 'he can tell.'  Obviously after going on about it for a while I AM starting to get irritated! I try desperately to change the subject, to smile etc but he's already triggered a mental process which leads him down either the path of telling me that our relationship is over or telling me that I have anger management issues.

I really don't know how to avoid it. I try to paint a smile on my face but with very little sleep due to the baby teething and living with a pwBPD, feeling happy and upbeat is often a real challenge.

I gently suggested some time apart, so he could do his therapy and start his recovery without me causing him to react all the time. His anger is very hard for the older children to witness too. I picked my time, thought I'd done okay and that he understood. The next thing I know, he's throwing everything he owns into his car and saying he'll live in his car. Off he stomps, crying. I did stress that I have no intention to end our relationship, that I love him and want a happy future together as a family - I just didnt want to destroy our relationship in the meantime.

Three days away and then he's back wanting a shower, saying he might have been a bit hasty. So he's back living here now and I'm worried it will all just go back to how it was.

Is anyone else their BPD's trigger? Almost everyone that knows him was shocked by his diagnosis as they never see that side of him. He seems to save all the behaviour for me and I seem to trigger all of his behaviour.

Any advice on a way forward? It so stressful.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2017, 10:27:10 AM »

Hi Scarletstar,

Welcome and hello Smiling (click to insert in post)

You must be exhausted with a teething baby on top of everything else. I remember those days, tired right down to my eyelashes 

It's great that your H has been diagnosed, accepts it, and is in treatment. At the same time, it can still be really tough to experience these emotional roller coasters.

Loved ones are often triggers -- intimacy tends to stir up feelings. Your husband probably is quick to trigger and slow to return to baseline. Once his moods have triggered, he probably experiences cognitive distortions in which he is the victim. Unfortunately, we cannot cure their BPD. Fortunately, we can prevent things from getting worse.

When your H perceives you are emotionally distant (for whatever reason, could be fatigue, headache, preoccupation with baby), he will think it's about him. When he asks you if you are angry at him, it's best to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). That only invalidates how he feels, and how he feels at that moment is real to him. Invalidating tends to escalate the dysregulation.

You can learn valuable skills like validation, which is accepting how he feels (different than agreeing with what he says).

For example, if he says you are angry at him, validating him might involve saying, "I can see why you feel that way -- my face is neutral and I am quiet, which is how people can look when they are angry. It must feel awful to think I am angry at you, I would feel the same way."

Or

":)id I do something to make you feel I am angry? Tell me more so I can understand better what I am doing."

Something like that.

Be kind and gentle and patient with yourself while you learn the skills, they are not intuitive, I have found, and must be learned.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

LnL
Logged

Breathe.
butterflylove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 40



« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2017, 12:19:48 PM »

I was definitely his trigger. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words how much pain this caused me.
Logged
TheMaskDropped

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2017, 09:59:48 AM »

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I have a similar situation in my relationship but we don't have a child together. It must be hard juggling a baby and a husband.

My boyfriend will often ask why I'm mad, anxious, stressed out, when I'm usually just very tired. I have found that saying I'm not I'm just tired and then quickly switching the topic will sometimes help.

I spent the first year of our relationship being "the Stepford wife" and found that I began to lose my own identity, self, and interests so that I could anticipate anything he would want, clean house, all laundry done, me dressed nice with a full face of make-up always smiling.

I would suggest you look at what you're doing to care for yourself, because as a woman we will often put the needs of our loved ones before our own. You have to set some time aside for yourself to do what makes you happy as well.

I commend you for your effort and dedication. Just make sure you also show some self-love.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!