BPDxw says in court that it is always "a fight" to make the children visit

[soundofmusicgirl]

We had a pretrial hearing. BPDxw says that kids don't want to come and visit us and that it is usually always a fight.
Any ideas how to disprove that in court? We have lots of pictures and videos showing how much they enjoy their visits with us and have teachers emails telling us how much the kids enjoyed the visit.
Any ideas for expert witnesses? or any other way?

[HopefulDad]

Judge doesn't know you or the ex and has no real reason to believe one of you over the other.  Bring what you can to document such as photos, videos, emails from teachers and the like, but understand that the ex can accuse you of selectively choosing your evidence while suppressing evidence to the contrary.

Maybe suggest to the judge that you're open to the children speaking for themselves on this matter.  Perhaps through a custody evaluation.  Let the judge see how the ex reacts.  Maybe it will clue the judge in on who is not being as truthful as possible and who is the more reasonable parent.

[ForeverDad]

In the early years my son from preschooler to about 3rd grade would always come running to me with a huge smile and tell me he wanted more time with me.  (I only had alternate weekends the first two years.)  Going back was the opposite.  He would delay getting ready for a return to the exchange site.  I recall one time when I handed him over that he fussed and fought with her so much that she called me as I was driving out of the parking lot to ask me to come back and calm him down.  Typically she would say at exchanges, "What did you do to him?"  I didn't even try to reason with her that he was creating a scene because he was being returned, not anything I did.

Just about all the professionals ignored that.  However, we did have the court's social worker do a Parenting Investigation and recommended more time for me as well as a Custody Evaluation.  I learned later that social workers can't make recommendations about custody.

The good thing about a Custody Evaluation is that the evaluator (make sure you get a well qualified one who has a reputation for solid reports) takes an in depth look at both parents, the children and their relationships.  So the wild claims are more likely to get scrutiny.  Yes, it's not cheap but if you select a good evaluator it is well worth the cost.

[Swiggle]

In the beginning with my step kids, their udBPDmom would say the same thing. We found after time that they had to act that way in front of her to survive. They couldn't, still can't, show any feelings of happiness/joy about the home and family they have built with their dad and I. Whenever they do, their mom makes it very clear with body language and negative comments that it was not something she wants to hear. They learned to just not say anything or to even say the opposite of how they really felt because that got them a positive reaction from her.

As my SS has gotten a little older and may complain about coming over, it is because at mom's house he does whatever/whenever with really no boundaries. If he voices that to her she of course runs with it that we must not like him since he is always getting in trouble. It is just so sad.

I remember in the beginning, they would be having such a good time with us... .laughing, playing and generally happy. She would call for a nightly talk and like a switch their mood would change and they would act completely miserable. We started pointing it out and asking when they hung up what had changed. I think it helped them see what they were doing and have gotten better.

[Thunderstruck]

I think that it's not uncommon for kids to have difficulty with a transition and I think that professionals know that. The judges that I've seen (and this does vary) have both stated in different ways that they don't intend to let the kids "steer the ship". They realize that kids play one side off another and that parents manipulate kids into favoring one side or another so they generally ignore it all (unless there really is something worth merit brought to their attention by a professional).

Maybe you can propose an alternate way to do transitions so it won't be such a power struggle over at mom's house? Our transitions go a lot smoother when us or uBPDbm pick SD up from school rather than doing an exchange where we meet at a location (we always meet at the police station).

[takingandsending]

Absolutely agree with Thunderstruck on neutral site drop of/pick up being easier on the kids. Any chance to let them be out of the middle between two separated parents is better for them unless there is true co-parenting occurring, and I think that is rare, even in non BPD divorces.

[ForeverDad]

I recall Richard Warshak in his book, Divorce Poison, relating how one child coped/handled the pressure.  The girl, about 5 years old, whispered to grandma "Whatever I say I mean the opposite" then pulled back and started shouting at grandma to please the parent.  At least that child was aware, far too many children end up believing the distorted reality they've been indoctrinated with.

So transitions can be hard for the children to deal with.  It may take hours or even a day to settle down into our calmer, more stable home environments.