To confide in friend what my marriage is like?

[Happy outside]

I'm starting to feel like I might be ready to tell someone what my marriage is like. The friend has known my husband since they were kids and is like a sister to me. Is it wise to confide in her? 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Confiding in SOMEONE is good, but... .

Are they really good friends? Is the friend going to be able to hear what you say about your husband (since THEY are very good friends)? If this has the potential to change her opinion of him, then you will either break their friendship, or she will deny it all and possibly break YOUR friendship.

I struggle with the same with my wife. I can't talk to any people that know HER well, because I know it'll change their relationship, and it feels disrespectful to me.

[babyoctopus]

If it was a really good friend of yours alone, I might say yes. It is good to talk to someone because it helps with the isolation we non partners feel.

However, tread very carefully. Over the years, I confided in my family (huge mistake) and a 2 good friends of mine. Thing is, they couldn't understand WHY I was staying. As the years went by, they either didn't want to hear more (which hurt) or would get mad at me for not leaving and hated him (which hurt too and caused more isolation for me).

Its best to confide after you leave, then you can confide what you had been going through. I recently did just that with mutual friends after we separated, and they all said how they saw it coming and saw negative changes in him over the years. They have been a great support system for me and my kids now.

Best of luck to you.

[ortac77]

I think we all need to confide in somebody but choose wisely!I think it is so important to be supported but I found friends both struggled to understand (BPD is pretty difficult to get ones head around) or took sides and that did not help.

I found my best support in the 'neutral zone' - Therapy and support groups.

[PFCI]

I didn't tell anyone for a long time.

Now, I tell people I know, but aren't close friends or family, so they don't interact with my wife and cause problems. 

Starting to tell people, and admit what my life is really like was a huge step forward. 

But as mentioned before, be careful who you tell.

[Happy outside]

I'm an extremely private person and don't talk about my private life with anyone. So other than this board, no one I knows what I'm going through.

I have seen a therapist off and on, but I really haven't been honest with what's really happening at home. What I did share with a therapist was that I was responsible for my problems and that he had done nothing for me to talk negatively about.

I have a few close friends, but don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I'm not very close with my family, so telling them isn't really an option.

It's like I made this bed and now I have to sleep in it.

[ortac77]

It may help if you find a therapist who has knowledge of BPD? I found my last therapist very helpful because she had a good understanding of the illness.

I always think its shame there are no face to face support groups but I belong to Al-Anon which helps a lot, no judgement.

I too am a very private person but living with this illness was too much for me to deal with without help, support and an outlet for my feelings.

Best Wishes

[TheMaskDropped]

I think it's important to have someone to confide in, but choose carefully. If this person goes back to your spouse and repeats anything, even out of concern, your spouse may see it as a betrayal.

It also may change the way they view you or your spouse. I know that most of my partner's behaviors are only directed at myself and his family. I can speak with his family about it, and it was a huge relief to feel validation and know I wasn't imagining all the dysfunctions. But I also know if I were to speak about it to mutual friends, they would think I was making it up since they have never seen him as I have.

Support groups or a therapist may be the safest place for you to begin.

[Doughboy]

My experience was that her friends, that were her friends first, all felt I was the problem throughout the relationship.  Her Mother was the same way.  These people also said "that is how she is" and "she has been through terrible things" and "she is doing the best she can" when things were mentioned that seemed off by me.

The friends we shared since youth were all happy when we split the first time and upset when we got back together.  They saw the damage she was causing me and knew it would happen again.  Some of then knew about her lifelong relationship troubles that I was not aware of.

My friends first all saw her for what she was doing also because they saw the changes in me.

If this friend is like a Sister to you she may well see his issues and be willing to talk.  Just be careful with the phrasing.  It is a 50/50 but worth the risk in my opinion.