Despite all the abuse, I love her too

[drtig]

Lucy, I’m reaching out to you with nothing but good intentions and affection. I wanted to take this opportunity to express some final thoughts and let go of the remaining possessions and memories I have of you. It’s crazy to think it’s been 6 months since the last time I saw you. We meant the world to each other and are now complete strangers. I have come to accept that you are now just a distant memory that has left a deep void in my heart. I knew I was playing with fire when we first got together, but I ignored all the red flags in the hope of finding true love. I trusted a girl with a broken heart and a scathing fear of abandonment. Like a hit and run accident, you drove right in to me... .

The letter was beautiful.  It closely described the course and end of my own relationship.  IDK if there's any value in sending it - like you, I doubt my BPD ex would be able to appreciate the true meaning behind the words.  But I do understand how you feel - I want to do the same with my ex; because despite all the abuse, I love her too.  Part of me hopes that she can one day get better and part of me hopes that she could just understand how terrible she was to me.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey drtig, Welcome!  Plenty of us have written letters to the pwBPD without sending them.  It's healthy to get your feelings out on paper.  You're right, it's doubtful she would appreciate it.  Your hopes that she can get better and comprehend how poorly she treated you may be unrealistic, so I suggest letting them go.  You didn't cause BPD and you can't cure it.  Detaching is painful, but it's unlikely you will ever find the closure you seek from a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi drtig,  



I'd like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Part of me hopes that she can one day get better and part of me hopes that she could just understand how terrible she was to me.

You cared about her a lot, like Lucky Jim said detaching is painful, my advice is to take that compassion, turn it the other around for self compassion and take really good care of yourself. We're here for you, hang in there.

[drtig]

Hey guys

Sorry, I thought I was replying to this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309529.0

Not sure how this ended up in a new thread of its own.  Maybe a moderator could merge it?



I tried writing up an intro post with the story of my own failed / abusive relationship... at first it seemed like an impossible task, too painful and daunting.  I eventually took a crack at it, planning on writing an abridged version, and ended up putting everything down on paper.  Unfortunately it's about ten times as long as the post size limit, so I guess I'm going to hold onto it for now and try to share bit by bit.

Thanks for the welcomes

[StayStrongNow]

drtig, that is a great letter, well written, articulated, your heart and soul comes out in full view.

I wrote a letter to a nonBPD who out of the blue wrote me a letter saying she was never coming back and was getting married. I was devastated, I was in a 12 step program for a gambling addiction and for my amends I wrote a letter to say what things I did to her I was sorry for and what things she did to hurt me. I took the letter to a place where I burned it, buried it, and pounded the ground with my fist. It helped, it was like I buried her.

That was before my turmoil with my xBPDw. It took a few years including reading and posting here to come to a place of relative peace I have. As little contact as possible is the best way to detach and heal. pwBPD cannot think or feel like us nons do. It just makes sense to me is to remember a few rules, we didn't cause their disorder, we cannot control their disorder and we cannot cure their disorder. They cannot feel remorse or guilt, only shame. Shame they know you, after a time of idealization they split you from white to black and devalue and discard you. They will throw projection at you, they will falsely accuse you of doing the same things they are actually doing to you but themselves denying it. They cannot handle emotions, when their is emotional overload to them (when to non's does not seem much) they lose control and act out in many ways.

Keep the letter until the time you feel like it should be destroyed. This will do you the best and help you move on and leave that r/s that is essentially a blend of a neurotic and psychotic world behind.