Anxious Attachment - "All in Your Head"

[vanx]

I guess I could start by saying at the heart of this for me is a fear that I inadvertently pushed by ex away through my own anxiety that she was distancing herself. Part of what freaked me out was the breakdown in communication--I couldn't just talk with her because she would say it was all in my head, I was inventing problems that weren't there. I didn't believe her. Maybe she didn't intentionally push me away, but her saying it was all in my head was very invalidating of how I felt when she would push away my hand if I tried to hold hers, or walk several paces ahead of me in a huff, or say she was sick of talking about things and that I made things worse the more I thought about the relationship. She just couldn't say something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. I love spending time with you a lot!" Instead, it would be something like, "It's not like I'm seeing anyone else right now." Or, "I'm here with you now, aren't I?"
I've been paranoid that maybe it was all in my head though. I've never experienced anything quite like it, at least to this degree.
By all means, I'm certain I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment, and have plenty of areas I can improve upon relationally, but where I'm torn is whether the greater problem area in my relating is that I am taking too much personally I should let slide and expecting too much from the other person, or whether I am doubting my instincts too much and being overly dependent on what the other person says or thinks. In other words, a big part of me feels that what I really need from here forward is a more solid confidence in the validity of my own needs, not being afraid to ask for them to be met, and not being afraid to walk away if the other person is not on board. However, I am at the same time very ashamed and nervous that perhaps my needs are unreasonable, or perhaps I am thinking distortedly and misinterpreting the messages of a partner. I don't know, it really messed me up for her to say it was all in my head. Part of me feels very abused, another worries, again, did I really just imagine/misinterpret everything? Was she herself just not aware of the possibility some of her words and actions could be perceived this way? I'm sure it's hard to answer for certain, but wondered if anyone could relate.

To end, I will give one example of a disagreement we had, one that actually I think caused her to leave for good:
We were reading in a cafe together. She looked over to see what I was reading, which was Elaine Aron's "Highly Sensitive Person in Love". She said to me, in what I perceived as an annoyed voice, "You can read about other things, you know." I think this referred to the fact that I was reading a few self-help books lately in order to help me improve problem areas in our relationship. She had said before that she felt the more I thought about "us" the worse it made things.
Anyhow, I decided to try to let it go and just continue reading, but she picked up on my expression that I was hurt and asked me about it. I told her I felt hurt that she criticized me, and she immediately got pretty upset, insisting that she was not criticizing me at all, but simply making an observation. I conceded to her opinion, just to drop it, though I think that making an observation about someone's behavior that you think could be done differently is a definition of what criticism is, whether constructive or not.
Anyhow, it came up again later, when she was saying she knew what it was like to be too sensitive, as she used to also, and that sometimes we just hear innocent comments as criticism. I'm ashamed to say I reacted with anger and frustration here, and said that sometimes someone is just actually criticizing you when they tell you what you could be doing differently.
I wish I could go back and act differently. It's a pretty silly thing to fight about. I guess I just wanted my feelings heard, and it really hurts to be told you're inventing things that aren't there. My belief is that she was very ashamed to be seen as critical and couldn't bear me to use that word. How can I know the facts though? Am I just feeling criticized when there's no criticism there? It would have been easier to talk about if she could have acknowledged that my feeling was real. If I were a healthier person, would I have not been affected by these things, or would I have seen that this was not a situation where my needs would be met and have walked away?

[Mutt]

Hi vanx,‎

‎I've been paranoid that maybe it was all in my head though. I've never experienced anything quite like it, at least to this degree.

A pwBPD will mostly give you negative feedback about yourself, it's not a realistic picture of who we are, it's distorted. We're somewhere closer to the middle we have good qualities and bad ones too but we're not all good or all bad. Some of us are accustomed to receiving negative feedback, you might have a parent or both with a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. We grow up not being validated, everyone wants to be heard and we may have similar r/s's with invalidating partners later on.

The idealization can feel like the validation that we never received. My point is, we'll ask on the boards if you can spend time with family and friends, people that know you that should be able to offer you good feedback about yourself, the boards here can be validating as well,‎ members offer you feedback about you and you can discover qualties that you might not even know that you. You speak well, you're articulate.

but her saying it was all in my head was very invalidating of how I felt when she would push away my hand if I tried to hold hers, or walk several paces ahead of me in a huff, or say she was sick of talking about things and that I made things worse the more I thought about the relationship.

It sounds like you tried, don't be hard on yourself, a r/s are thousands of transaction between two people, she has her half, just take ownership of your half and remember that even though that we may not have handled things as best as we could, it's a learning experience. How do we learn if we don't make mistakes?

If you want my opinion, I think that the quote above is a good example of some of the problems - communication. We should be able to talk about our feelings without being judged or invalidated for them, sharing openly is intimacy which is something that a pwBPD want but cannot sustain, healthy adult intimacy.

[stimpy]

Vanx, I can relate to everything you have written, and your interactions with your ex remind me so much of my interactions with my ex too.

The arguments / fall outs / disagreements always followed the same path. The beginning of the cycle would start off with my emotional needs / requests or concerns would be quite openly and plainly ignored and invalidated. This would lead to an argument or a fall out. Then I'd be further invalidated by being accused of being "overly sensitive", "schizophrenic", "a player" or just "over reacting".

That is the nature of abuse. It is a double whammy, not only are your feelings or desires ignored, but your reaction as you state a boundary or if it leads to an argument is used to criticise you. And your character is criticised from someone who you've fallen for, it is a truly horrible experience. It is shaming to the core and very hurtful.

The easiest release from the pain, is for the person who has shamed you, your ex, to forgive you, re-validate you and say you are good again and bring you back into their good books.

And that is the re-cycle, and that is why I think the re-cycle is so appealing. If we are re-cycled, if we allow it, it gives us an enormous (but temporary) ego boost, all the positive thoughts and feeling come back and we'll feel good again. But guess what, we have allowed our feelings about ourselves, our self image to have been passed over to our person with BPD. To someone who is mentally ill.

At the end of the day, I'd say that both your ex and my ex are demonstrating a total lack of empathy, and complete lack of understading that other people have needs and that to invalidate those needs will ever only lead to relationship breakdown, whether it be sooner or later is down to the nature of the relationship, and we all play a part in this, in the relationship dance and that is something for us to think about too maybe?

[CloseToFreedom]

Holy cow, does this ring true. I think I have never read something on this forum or on any site about BPD that hits so close to home. I think this is where 90 percent of our arguments came from - me trying to find validation in my emotions and them
a) not being met, followed by;
b) she getting angry about it.

Ignoring the five year relationship I was in, after two years of low to no contact I was recycled again at the beginning of this year for a month or so. And it all got screwed up again thanks to this.

See, we have this gut feeling that some things don't add up and if there's one thing Ive learned in the relationship with my exUBPD is that you should trust your gut feeling. So in that month that I was recycled there were some things that didn't add up. A selection:

1) She constantly talking trash about her ex (my replacement). Why can't she just let the past be the past? Why trash talk someone else all the time?
2) The first week or so being highly sexual, having sex and kissing. Followed by her not wanting sex anymore at all, because of some 'things that happened in the past'. So why could she have sex with me in the beginning but then all of a sudden not anymore? And suddenly she hated french kissing. Okay?
3) Forbidden to post about us on social media.
4) The constant texting and wanting to be with me almost every day, changing in only coming by once or twice a week, not wanting to stay the night over, texting less.
5) This change in her stance, its difficult to describe, but her just not being that overly happy to be with me.

It's so easy to pin these things on yourself, thinking its all in your head, but then again I had a relationship with her for five years prior so I knew how to recognise the devaluation stage. And as SOON as you start to talk about these feelings, even in an adult, kind way to not put the blame on her, she gets mad. It can't even be about my feelings, no, it has to be about how I make HER feel and she being pissed off about that. In one swoop not validating my feelings AND creating an argument when there wasn't one in the first place, putting the blame on you and making you feel miserable, without solving anything or solving your doubts and nagging feelings.

I have an example of this, I think this is what started the devaluation phase in the month recycle we had earlier this year. She bought a house with my replacement after the demise of our relationship and once we recycled she was selling her house again. She was planning to move back in with her parents for a short while and find her own house. So while she was still selling her house she found a nice new house that still needed to be build and would be finished at the end of 2018.

While I was happy for her and tried to be interested in this project, I once also made the mistake to ask her how she saw the buying of this future house in combination with our renewed relationship. BIG MISTAKE. She got VERY mad, claiming I was only thinking about myself instead of being happy for her. How could I ask such a thing of her? "I'm building up my own life right now, how can you be so egoistic to ask this from me?" Even though a few weeks back she claimed that I always was the one for her and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

I was flabbergasted, and my worst fear (her not having changed one bit even though she claimed she had) came true in front of my eyes. I mean, I apologized and tried to reconcyle but deep down I felt very hurt that this very logical question (in essense 'how do you see the future for us?' was so offensive to her? I mean, I would have had peace with her telling me kindly 'I hear what you are saying, I'm just trying to build my life up again after my previous relationship and we'll see what happens in the future, but I do know I want you to be a part of it'. But she couldn't even say that. No, she had to get mad with me and put all the blame on me. Just because I tried to talk about my feelings.

I think that was the moment, about 2 to 3 weeks into the recycle, that kickstarted her devaluation phase again. There was no going back from that. Text got shorter and further in between, she didn't want to hang out as much anymore (claiming she was busy with work, but hell that wasn't a problem in the few weeks prior), and every future moment where I wanted to talk about feelings or trying to validate 'us' was met with arguments and angry words. It took a few weeks until I couldn't handle it anymore, my gut feeling was too strong after that and I let her go. Haven't heard from her since, its been three weeks now and I know for a fact she's busy finding another replacement, perhaps even found it already.

Crazy, isn't it? After the five year relationship I kept telling myself that I was to blame for it all, trying too often to talk about feelings and not validating her enough, but in the two years we've been seperated I've done enough work to understand that it isn't me, and it isn't you either. It's just that they can't handle anyone elses feelings, it all has to be about them, them, them. Nothing else.

Very good topic and post, Vanx. I think you really hit the crux of one of the biggest problems in relationships with these people. It was extremely recognisable for me and again, I think this is what caused the most problems in our relationship and recycle.

[roberto516]

Vanx I understand completely. Communication is key. And as a previous poster said, communication is intimacy. They can't do that. I know for my ex I should have run the very first time I felt upset that she had raised her voice at me for something so minor. Her response was ":)o you want to break up with me?" So, the rescuer I am, we spent the next 20 minutes consoling her and then we moved on; my concerns were not dealt with or processed.  Once we figured that out future arguments were spent with me trying to communicate that I felt hurt and being met with... .you guess it. Silence. Eventually I realized I couldn't speak so I would just stay quiet and try to recharge my batteries internally. That works for me as an introvert but she would ask "what's wrong?" "are you just recharging your batteries?" "oh good... .are you mad at me?" Until finally I ended up being mad at her. It is emotional abuse.

I too went through the gauntlet of feelings which included anger, sadness, guilt (the what if's). I'm here to tell you, as many others are, that the second go around I did everything right. I was empathetic and more communicative. But she woke up after a week long detachment and ended it. There was nothing I could do. And I"m sure there was nothing you could do in the long run.

Hold your head up high that you tried to be a communicator. That will be a valuable asset if you ever find someone who does the same thing. It sounds like you tried. You're human though. In a mutual relationship both people's feelings are respected and a compromise/ understanding is attempted. We could never have that with our exe's. It's just the truth I am trying to accept as well.

[In a bad way]

You're spot on, yesterday I listened to a couple of recordings of our arguments.
It was her idea to record them so she could listen to how she behaved because she had no memory of anything the next day.
Of course she never listened to them because then she would have to admit guilt and see that she started it.

Anyway one that I listened to yesterday went along the lines of this... .
My brother had text me to go out for the football the next day and I wasn't sure because we had had a bit of a fall out plus I really didn't want to change my plans with my ex.
I asked her what she thought and she said for me to go with him, I said I wasn't sure about it and needed some more advise from her.
She flipped and said I've told you what to effing do shut up about it you've been boring me with it for 2 hours.
I pointed out it was 10 minutes and she is supposed to be there for me to support me in things like this.
Anyway I just got more abuse so I told her how bad she had been for the last 2 weeks with her silence and how she had been cold and distant and acted like she didn't want me near her.
I went on to explain how hurt I was now and for the last 2 weeks, this was all just met with complete silence, not so much as even a sorry.
So after I get my feelings across about her bad treatment of me what does she finally say?

She said just get out of my house, put your shoes on, put your coat on and f*** off.
I told her that she was the maddest woman I have ever met and she need to see someone about her split personality. (long before I'd heard of BPD)
The point is not only was she not there for me to help with my problem, she abused me for asking her for advise. She also didn't comment once when I was telling her how hurt and confused I was and her only reaction to me pouring my heart out to her was to kick me out of her house.

[blueblue12]

Vanx I can relate to those feelings, exact things happened to me and got me to question myself often.

Close to Freedom, man your story is so close to mine is just ridiculous, only thing I was in the relationship for ten years. When it dissolved by her leaving I also thought it was all my fault. She made me feel that I was so controlling, insecure, etc, that I had brought all this up and she couldn't take it anymore. Gave me the cold treatment then left me. In the meantime she had a replacement which started while we were living together but in her eyes 'separated' but which she never told me about. Nice!

About three months later I was recycled. Lots if things went wrong and the replacement didn't work out, she told me he was "selfish, bad guy" meanwhile I was the best guy in the world again, let's get back together, fix our problems, let's live together forever, a fresh start. Well I met her she was great for a few days, happy, adorable, sensual, sex, etc! Then started changing again. Didn't want to have sex for a little while, was going through trauma and wanted support only.

So we started to argue a bit here and there and slowly her wanting to see me just stopped again. During those times I did try to get her to understand that she had hurt me deeeply, she dismissed one way by saying, "that was in the past" move on basically and other by saying she can't hear about my feelings because she is concerned with hers and can't take mine on! Well she never did.

I just moved away and started to keep quiet more. She started to send me "miss you so much" messages now. The latest is a few days ago called frantically at 4am! Crying and telling me she couldn't keep going anymore, missed our life, missed everything we had... .

The drama goes on... .

 

[RedPill]

I just wanted to chime in and agree with your sense of confusion, confusion, and pain Vanx. I'm there as well, constantly. And this response from Stimpy hit home:

The easiest release from the pain, is for the person who has shamed you, your ex, to forgive you, re-validate you and say you are good again and bring you back into their good books.

And that is the re-cycle, and that is why I think the re-cycle is so appealing. If we are re-cycled, if we allow it, it gives us an enormous (but temporary) ego boost, all the positive thoughts and feeling come back and we'll feel good again. But guess what, we have allowed our feelings about ourselves, our self image to have been passed over to our person with BPD. To someone who is mentally ill.

Stimpy is so right; to go back, seeking that validation, is the easiest release, the one we are most comfortable with, the response that best fits our pattern in the r/s. I, for one, need to (re)learn how to value myself so fiercely that I won't stand forever in the shadow of someone else ever again. I need the sun, too.

Hang in there Vanx, you are not alone.
--
RP

[once removed]

I'm certain I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment

as someone who has been accused (even by myself) as being "too sensitive" i can relate. distancing from a partner has had a tendency to lead me to get really obsessive and anxious. i never felt a drop of it with my uBPDex until her distancing at the very end.

the dynamics you describe sound to me a bit like the chicken and the egg. does some of this stuff push someone away? it does. were some of your fears founded? it sounds like they were. was she fairly invalidating in the process? yeah. and that wouldnt help my anxiety if it were me.

but where I'm torn is whether the greater problem area in my relating is that I am taking too much personally I should let slide and expecting too much from the other person, or whether I am doubting my instincts too much and being overly dependent on what the other person says or thinks

both are possibilities. when youre unsure of yourself, it can become hard to tell. this is why healthy boundaries are a lifestyle. they build confidence and self assuredness.

i dont think that it helps to tell yourself that you are "too sensitive" or that your feelings are wrong (it doesnt help for someone else to say that to you either), even if we had a reasonable consensus of people that agreed on a given instance. a lot of our emotional reactions are pretty hard wired into us, and it is what it is, it need not be a good thing or a bad thing. it helps to be self aware about it. then the question becomes how we manage it.

sometimes i get what i would deem overly annoyed at a remark that someone else might blow off, and i let it grate on me, and fume about it and then i get super annoyed at the persons every move. i dont think the question is whether or not im overreacting, but is how im coping healthy?

all of it speaks, more than you might think, to our level of differentiation, and the partners we are likely to pair up with.

[joeramabeme]

We should be able to talk about our feelings without being judged or invalidated for them, sharing openly is intimacy which is something that a pwBPD want but cannot sustain, healthy adult intimacy.

INTIMATE: Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature.
 
This is great Mutt; intimacy defined as openly sharing.  Typically so much of what I/we measure as intimate involves touch, words of praise and general good feelings.  But intimacy really is sharing any deep part of who you are including physical.

Viewing the sharing of deep feelings or thoughts about my marriage as being marital intimacy quickly gets me to a recognition that my ex rejected my overtures of intimacy about our marriage very early on.  Having been rejected from childhood, the wound translated quickly in my marriage as an exercise of gaining that acceptance of my feelings.  In some ways, the lack of emotional marital intimacy was the stage to replay all the earlier parts of my life.

To Once Removed's point; there is no going back.  But now that I know, I can figure different coping strategies.  Not sure that I will ever be different in terms of wanting to find acceptance and understanding but I wont be pouring my emotional energy into the proverbial pail with a hole in it anymore.

@vanx: Your girl called you out for reading a book on how to be a better partner.  So many women would pine for a man that would be willing to do that.  You are trying to improve your ability to be a partner, that is commendable.  Sometimes it is simply unbearably hard to imagine how someone could get angry at a time when they should be grateful.  But I guess that is the nature of the disorder.  As far as that story goes, your reactions are understandable, even if they were not helpful.  You didn't know what you didn't know.

[vanx]

Thank you everyone for you feedback. I apologize for getting back a bit late--been a really busy weekend at work! The good news is I've still been ruminating over these questions the last few days, so all of your responses are still helpful haha!
Let me start by just thanking everyone for writing. I'm really touched that so many people can relate. I'd like to take a minute to reply to everyone personally here.

Mutt, I appreciate your point about distorted feedback. With depression and low self-esteem, I have been told before by therapists that I have a lot of distorted thinking. In a way, though I am not saying she meant to do it, but my ex said to me all the bad things I thought about myself, the things that I think are the truth underneath. It's kind of you to remind me to seek support of those who like me. It's about time to start believing the people who love me, and not the negative voice!

stumpy, I appreciate you sharing and knowing another person can relate, even being called "too sensitive yourself". The if-only's bother me, but I think you make a good point about recycling being the seemingly best way to feel better again. That's problematic because we deserve to move on in a way where we can feel good about ourselves without the ex's approval. And we do play a part, you are spot on! To me, finding "THE answer" or how to correct our mistakes next time is tough, but I guess we'll get there in time. Thank you for your support as far as the aspect of abuse. It really hurts to be devalued.

CloseToFreedom, awesome that's cool it resonated with you so well. It's nice to know someone understands. I can relate to the fluctuations you have outlined here, and I am really sorry because I know how much it sucks. Honestly, reading about the incident of the house and you bringing up the relationship, I got high anxiety because it put me in a place I was in with my ex. That is the though thing too, the difficulty of reconciling. I'm not saying arguments or conflicts are good at all, but it scares me to feel like if I make a mistake, apologizing, patience, and owning up to my responsibilities might not be enough. Problems come up between people, and being able to really talk and at times make up is so important. I appreciate your validation, because to be honest, not a day goes by that I don't wonder if I could have done something different and still be together, so your view really means a lot to me. I'm glad you're not beating yourself up anymore. Thank you so much for sharing and relating--really means a lot to me!

roberto516, thank you for sharing. You know, your post reminded me of something I read in that book I mentioned in my post, "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love". I don't have an exact quote, but basically, it just had a ground rule, especially for sensitive people, that you just make it clear if you're not feeling well etc so the other person understands you are in a bad mood/dysregulated or whatnot, and that it's not about them. Go wash the dishes or take a walk or something and come back in 20 minutes--that kind of thing. Like you, I learned that it worked best to just keep quiet and not take things personally, which in some ways isn't a bad move, not to be effected by a partner's mood all the time, but my ex would pick up on cues and want to know what I was thinking. Also, for the record, I am a big proponent of "I" statements, which is exactly what you described, saying "I feel hurt" etc (not like you were saying "you are doing this" or "this is what's wrong with you". I think you have a right to make "I" statements freely, so I hope in your future relationships you feel confident about telling the person these things!

In a bad way,
Whew, that sounds tough to listen to the recordings possibly, but I hope it was helpful for you to revisit. I'm really sorry--this sounds like a pretty extreme and harsh incident. Again, I think you have the right to express how you are feeling, and it sounds like you did in a pretty level-headed way. I know how it hurts, but I hope the way you were treated will help you to detach.

Raul, I feel for you. As many nights as I wished she would call me and have changed her mind, I guess in some ways I am lucky, because the extended push/pull sounds really, really hard. It sounds like you see it for what it is though. It is amazing to me that yet another person described feeling hurt to their ex only to have that make things worse. Again, I want to validate your right to express how you feel.

RedPill, Yes, that's really the heart of it, self-love and respect. That's a win-win. I appreciate the encouragement and likewise, I wish you the best on this path.

once removed, I appreciate you being able to relate. Man, the distancing anxiety is so intense. I guess this goes back to what you said about healthy coping. That just kind of gave me a lightbulb moment. From now on, I would like to increase my priorities of self-respect, especially early on in a relationship. Next time, if someone is distancing, or if I perceive them as invalidating, I'll just give some distance and prepare to walk away. I like your last point too. I've been giving so much energy into ruminating what I did wrong. Maybe the relationship was a wake-up call to help grow and perhaps someday be receptive to a really good connection out there.

joeramabeme, "an exercise of gaining that acceptance of my feelings." A similar idea has come up before on the boards, but I really like the way you phrased this. And wow, another huge lesson--of course one cares what a loved one thinks, but the way this goes down for a lot of us, we need to let in positivity and feeling good about ourselves, and not give away our self love. But yeah, haha, I'm the same--like you said I think I'll always want that acceptance and understanding, and hey, there's all sorts of people out there who are happy to give these things.
"Your girl called you out for reading a book on how to be a better partner." Haha, man that's awesome--thank you, this makes me feel really good. I guess if I were better at taking a positive look at myself, I would have thought about this before.

Well, I guess it's still a work in progress. I miss her every day, but I know it's just not to be. It's hard to sum it all up but I think I have a more balanced perspective after reading everyone's posts. In summary, it's time to stop beating myself up. I did communicate ineffectively at times, and that's something I would like to work on, but both of us were distorting things a bit when it came to my flaws. And it is totally okay to voice one's feelings, even if they are unpleasant, and it's okay to expect a partner to meet you halfway. Well, onwards to detaching and trying to grow. Thanks for the support!