Friends

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How many here lost friendships during or after the breakup? 

I have found all of this to be an extended process of getting myself back together with interludes of deep sadness and pain even 1.5 years later. 

I have lost one close friend who simply did not want to hear it.  Is it really because this is a BPD r/s or that I "just wont get over it" like everyone else does.  Just wanted to hear other peoples stories... .

[joeramabeme]

How many here lost friendships during or after the breakup? 

I have found all of this to be an extended process of getting myself back together with interludes of deep sadness and pain even 1.5 years later. 

I have lost one close friend who simply did not want to hear it.  Is it really because this is a BPD r/s or that I "just wont get over it" like everyone else does.  Just wanted to hear other peoples stories... .

[Mavrik]

I used to talk to friends re what I was going through with my BPDgf. And friends would suggest I end the relationship, but I was so into it I would'nt listen, have more issues then speak to them again. This went on and friends began to Step back and detach as they saw it as me asking them for advice and me not listening.

After the relationship ended I didn't see any of my friends in the same light, as true friends (like I am) are there for you the whole time evert time. Yet mine weren't. So my friendships after this have not been the same.

One of my work colleagues did say to me the other week 'it's nice to have you back'. In thaf they could all see thaf I wasn't myself at work, as this fun, relaxed, happy upbeat person had become a Zombie and just dragging myself through each day. 

[Mutt]

Hi joeramabeme,

I have lost one close friend who simply did not want to hear it.  Is it really because this is a BPD r/s or that I "just wont get over it" like everyone else does.

Just a little background, a lot of my friends were mutual friends, the friends that were mine are long term friendships. I lost all of our  mutual friends, most of them knew that she was leaving me and probably before I knew it.

You know your friend better than anyone on the board, did your friend have a difficult time with hearing personal things? What I learned from this experience is that different friends are good at different things, if I want a gym buddy, then I would partner up with a friend that enjoys fitness, if I want to talk to someone I'd approach a friend that is good listener.

To me it sounds like your friend is not the type of person that likes to reflect on things, we're all different, the experience that I went through was a life event and I didn't get closure. It could of been the affects of PTSD but I was repeating the same questions looking for an answer. I think I burnt some of friends out because I was looking for answers that should have come from my ex. That being said, some things are just better to talk to a therapist about than friends.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks Mutt and Mavrik

I suppose that some friends struggle with the intimacy of pain.  The friend I was referring to could handle my anger at the time towards my ex, but when it turned to deep sadness, that was when the friend was unable to be so.

I have no animosity but like all of life there are so many dark corners that can feel like going from a well lit room to a dark and unknown place in a moments notice and those times can feel overwhelming and have their own set of emotional triggers.

JRB

[Mutt]

Hi joeramabeme,

Maybe your friend didn't know what to say, although it seems a little overboard to lose a friend that way. This last bout of depression, I was pushing people away by disconnecting from people, not calling or spending time with them. I was talking to my T and I was really worried about one friend, he was my best man at my wedding I didn't think he'd return my call because I rejected invitations, etc.  , and my T said try to give him a call, I'd try again. I didn't ask her but it made sense that someone that you've known for a long time, you develop a long term r/s, I think that good friends will usually understand, I've since reconnected with him, I told him what I said here, I was honest with him "I'm really sorry about this I went through a bad depression, the divorce was tough and I didn't realize that I was disconnecting from people", he moved away last year, we call each other.  

[joeramabeme]

Hi Mutt - Yes, agreed with what you say about long term friends.  I am sure at some point we will reconnect and perhaps this break will enable us to redefine our friendship in a new way that is more compatible with each of our ways of being.
Cheers and thanks!

[CloseToFreedom]

One of my friends stayed mutual to me and my ex in the first months after the breakup, which caused me to find new friends that are now there for me thrugh day and night if needed. The old friend shut out my ex after a few months as well and other old friends are still here. My closest friends i can talk about the relationship all i like and they understand and choose my side. Even though its been two years ago.

I had a small recycle for a month in march and they warned me but acted neutral to my ex, then when the inevitable break up came, they were there for me and me only.

I guess I got lucky. Or perhaps its just that my ex really is crazy and everyone knows it. My friends say it often enough at least!