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Author Topic: Therapy disappointing...  (Read 369 times)
Pale Shelter

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: May 12, 2017, 10:28:38 PM »

I am sharing this experience for feedback and in case anyone else can relate... .

Years ago I went to see a therapist. Long story short, I was married, pregnant, found out my ex was cheating. When I didn't want to have an abortion my therapist was very disapproving. It really turned me off. I stopped going. I thought it was very unprofessional.

Fast forward 7+ years. My npd dad committed suicide a few years back, I'm estranged from most of my family, I have an amazing son, I got divorced, I got remarried, I'm pregnant again and through it all, I'm still dealing with my biggest ongoing challenge: my BPD mom.

I've been on and off these websites and read several books. I like my life. I've healed and worked hard to become stable and healthy. I'm not perfect, but I've gotten better at boundaries. I still have what feel like "BPD habits" that I learned from my mom, but I can usually identify them and realize that just because she would have reacted that way in a similar situation doesn't mean I have to. I know I cannot erase her influence, but I strive to break the patterns of those learned behaviors. It's easier now because I know more about her mental illness and do not feel guilt about being healthy.

I do, however, have times when resentment and anger build up. Since I am pregnant, I am a little extra tired and I know things like pregnancy and birth, along with baby showers, in-law involvement, etc. can trigger a lot of episodes for my mom. So at the first signs of trouble, I decided to give therapy another try.

So far, not so great, but it's early. I've only met with the therapist 2xs. I'm going back this week, but I don't feel all that hopeful. I went to a large foundation where they have therapists trained to treat BPD. I thought that would mean since they are familiar with it, they could help a family member dealing with it. I'm not feeling so confident.

So far, she focused on dbt and cbt with me even though I keep explaining to her that I'm not having difficulty regulating my emotions or behaviors. I have gotten pretty good at seeing the borderlion coming and have support systems and coping mechanisms in place.

She also pretty much said I can either go nc or lc or just deal with it. She was having a really hard time accepting that I am comfortable with the level of communication I have. I simply would like to find some ways to heal trauma and get past resentment and anger. I don't want to hate my mother. I've got the boundaries in place, I'd like to be able to enjoy the little bit of salvageable relationship that's left.

Also, when speaking about hearing from an estranged sibling for the first time in years, although only for him to notify me of a family death, she shamed me for crying. Implying that I must not be able to regulate my feelings because "you're crying right here in front of me". I was like, yeah! That's what I came here for. duh! I didn't flip out and drink. I didn't get into a fight with my mom. I didn't drop the ball and not care for my son. I didn't lose motivation and slack off on my final papers for the college courses I'm taking. I stayed calm, felt at peace knowing that I would go to therapy and talk about it and hoped I would be understood and could get help working through my feelings at the appropriate time and place.

I'm considering going back to her and clearly asking her if she has any experience working with non-BPD children of BPD/npd parents. I am wondering if someone who hasn't lived through it can really be effective at helping others heal from those wounds. My husband is sweet, but cannot relate. My bff's life has been eerily similar and we can relate, but I would like to enjoy the friendship not always rely on it for therapy. I thought a therapist was the correct person to go see to help to let go a little more and resolve some of this anger, but now it feels like maybe it would be difficult to find a therapist able to assist with my specific issues.

Anyone else have any insight?


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hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2017, 09:29:37 AM »

Wow that is so frustrating. I am sorry you are having that experience. I totally get it. Perhaps a different therapist would be more effective. I have done phone interviews and email inquiries prior to meeting therapists. I find this is a good way to weed out people who don't have that experience I am looking for. Maybe a trauma therapist or a therapist though a mental illness association would be more familiar with what you are experiencing. Or even a grief and loss therapist. I hope you don't give up. The fact that you are reaching out is such a positive step. Keep us posted. Hugs.   
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DonnaQuixote

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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2017, 02:34:51 PM »

That sounds lonely and frustrating, and I can totally relate. 

I have a very few close friends, but the ones that stick around tend to come from "normal" families so I can't process my dysfunctional family stuff with them.  The close friends I've had who also have dysfunctional FOOs tend to have issues of their own and go off the rails and we lose touch.  Plus I have a hard time making close friends to begin with, and this just isn't the kind of stuff you bring up as small talk with casual acquaintances.  I thought maybe message boards like this one would help, but my FOO was not outright abusive... .just really unhealthy and inappropriate... .so it's hard to completely relate. And yes, husband is sweet, but needs to be my husband, not my therapist.

I do think therapy is the correct place to process, but maybe it takes some work to find the right therapist? Kindof awkward and like dating in a way? I had an initially good experience with "holistic psychotherapy"... .didn't go seeking it out; that's just who answered the phone first, but it was really helpful. 

Now it's a year or two later and my FOO is acting up (BPD sis, likely-BPD mom, NP(possiblyD) dad).  I'm trying to get back into therapy, but kindof feeling like they don't want to work with me anymore, like "why are you here, this isn't a big deal". 

One thing I would say though is maybe do a gut check and make sure there isn't something about therapy or specific therapists that is triggering you.  I know I feel ashamed of seeking out therapy despite not having been abused (like I don't deserve it or something), so that may color my perception of the therapist.  I also think that male/female, age, and certain other characteristics probably matter b/c I think children of BPDs sometimes unconsciously seek out "parent figures" in their adult lives.  The therapist I have now is female, but there are things I'm self-conscious to talk about with her so maybe it would be different with a male or someone of a different age.

Anyway, family situations like this do seem to be isolating.  So we can keep building our "friends families", continue on the therapy/self-help journey, and know you are not alone!

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Harri
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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2017, 02:53:04 PM »

Hi.  I would suggest finding a therapist familiar with trauma therapy rather than focusing on those familiar with BPD.  While I think it is helpful to have a therapist familiar with the dynamics in such a relationship, I don't think it should be the primary criteria when you do not have the condition and I am not sure the therapist needs to have had the same or similar life experience.  What I have found to be most important it to have someone who is capable of seeing outside of their own life bubble and biases.

It is excellent that you are able to recognize that emotional management/regulation is not your issue and that DBT is not appropriate in your case.  Perhaps it might be helpful to see if she is familiar with trauma focused therapy... .though I must say that if she were truly receptive and insightful, she would have made the switch already or made an appropriate referral.

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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2017, 03:06:04 PM »

Hello Pale Shelter !  

How wonderful you are so well advanced already on your path of recovery of a BPD upbringing. Thumbs up, really !
 
I cannot really advise you on whether your therapist / her methods are the appropriate ones for you. I don't have experience with DBT.

One things pops up in my mind though. Just a thought.
You are saying that both of the therapists you were seeing were both disapproving of things you are doing (crying) / not doing (having an abortion). Are you *100 %* sure that is actually so ?

I am asking because I know that I did (do ?) have a tendency to think that people do not like me / disapprove of me / of things I am doing. Also writing this I am realizing that I kind of would like my therapist to like me and to approve of my personality / my way of living.

Having had a BPD upbringing I think we are a little more sensitive to things like that, then average people. We tend to think quicker that people are judging us and sometimes our perceptions are colored.

I suppose for the situation with your first therapist, too much time may have passed, but how about the new situation. What *exactly* did your therapist tell you when you were crying ? So she said something like 'you are crying right here in front of me'. From there, your conclusion is that she is shaming you. But is that so ? What else did she say, because from only these words I personally do not deduct shaming ?

Is it an option for you to ask here up front ? ('I have the feeling you were shaming me / judging me, can you tell me if that is the case ?'

A very good friend of mine has a saying 'assumptions are the mother of all f... ckups', I have come to realize that she's right.

Also, is it a possibility that you were not allowed to cry as a kid ? Did your family shame you for it (which can be a perfectly logical explanation for why you could maybe be projecting now ?) ?


What do you think ?
xx
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Pale Shelter

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Posts: 13


« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2017, 08:58:50 AM »

Thank you very much for the replies!

It helps so much to "talk" it through with others who understand the complexities specific to family members of BPD.

I am going to take the day to think through all of your thoughts and suggestions and set aside a little time tomorrow before my therapy appointment to really take a look at myself and the situation and decide how to proceed.

Thank you again <3! It feels amazing to just to be understood Smiling (click to insert in post)
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