My MIL is ruining my life

[alaskanewyorker]

I wrote a beginning post earlier about myself, but wasn't ready to share much. Now, after thinking about it and feeling stressed out and anxious, I think now is the time.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, but have known each other since our freshman year of college. He grew up in a very conservative family and his mother(currently undiagnosed) was heavily involved in his life. At first, I thought she was just particular about details. However, after we got engaged, my MIL decided to slowly sabotage our relationship. In fact, I even ended up breaking up with him temporarily, because he would never defend me, in front of his mother. She had put it in his head that I didn't know how to manage my money and would pretty much ruin his finances. I was shocked and appalled because I knew this wasn't true, but she convinced him otherwise.

When we finally got married, she continued onto her cycle of destruction. Since we had married in our mid-twenties, we had struggled financially. His dad would occasionally send us gas cards to be nice and we found ways to cut corners. I was pregnant soon after and she was happy, only for a short time. When she found out I was on a form of government assistance for my health insurance, she made me feel like the worst person in the world. When our daughter was born, she insisted to visit us, three weeks after. She did nothing but criticize our decisions and make us feel worse about ourselves. Worse, she made me feel so ashamed for struggling with breastfeeding, so much so that I ended up with postpartum depression. Although I had my struggles with depression since my early twenties, this was the worst bout I had ever experienced. I ended up struggling with different kinds of medications for two years, before I found some that worked for me.

We had kept my depression a secret from her because we felt it was none of her business. We eventually decided to tell her because she had raged on both of us. I live in a different state and had to bring my daughter back to be cared for by my family, while I got my life back on track. When my MIL found out, she accused me of keeping her granddaughter from her. My husband was the one who told her about my struggles with mental illness. Instead of confronting me, she decided to ask every intimate detail to my sisters, under the guise of being caring. When she finally saw me in person, she asked when I was going to get off my medication. I was so enraged because it was helping me.

Aside from my depression, my husband and I are currently seeing a therapist because of the fighting and interference from his mother. We are trying to learn coping mechanisms to deal with her, but it hasn't been easy. My husband, his brother and his dad all disassociate when she rages on them. They even do what she says so they avoid conflict entirely. It's so stressful for me because I am the first person to stand up to her. When I do, she always makes me feel like I'm less of a person. The truth of the matter is, I would never be good enough for her son.

There's another thing that worries me and it's the interaction with my daughter. There are many times she has refused to change diapers and will let her sit in a dirty diaper for hours, until one of us changes her. She even came back with an infection, after spending a week at her house. She only buys my daughter things that my MIL will personally enjoy and NOT her. Worse, the last time she saw her, she decided to chop off her hair, without our consent. Her reasoning was that she was sitting still and thought it would be an opportune moment. I am afraid that this interaction will turn into abuse. My husband admitted to me that when he was a child, his mother had tried to circumcise him herself(and she has no medical training to do so.) It is also very clear to me that she has an extremely co-dependent relationship with him that is unhealthy for all of us involved.

My husband and I are finally starting to set boundaries. To prevent saying anything in anger or having a stressful interaction, we have decided to cut her out of her life, until we can handle her. However, she still finds ways to sneak herself in. She constantly wants to listen in on the conversations between his dad and him, to see if we are talking about him. He calls us to say he wants to video chat, when it is really her manipulating him so she could see our daughter. She is telling family members her, "perception of the truth." At the same point in time, she is still friendly with my own mother, even though my mom knows the terrible things she has said to me.

My depression has been managed over the past year or so but, it's just getting difficult to cope. It upsets me that she affects me so much. She does things to me under the guise of being a, "caring" person, but is really to get under my skin and destroy me.

I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do anymore. At the same time, I am adamant about taking care of my own mental health and protecting my family. How can I assert myself and hold my composure with her, when she is just so vile and mean to me, for no reason? Please help!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi alaskanewyorker:   

Welcome to the community!  I'm so sorry about your struggles with your MIL.  Add in depression and it makes things doubly tough.  You will find that there are others here with MIL problems.  There are, also, others here who are struggling with depression and/or anxiety, and can relate to how difficult that can be. 

I'm glad that your husband is supportive and that you are receiving joint counseling.  Also, good news that your depression is currently responding to your meds.    

She is telling family members her, "perception of the truth."  She is still friendly with my own mother, even though my mom knows the terrible things she has said to me.   My husband was the one who told her about my struggles with mental illness. Instead of confronting me, she decided to ask every intimate detail to my sisters, under the guise of being caring. When she finally saw me in person, she asked when I was going to get off my medication. I was so enraged because it was helping me.     

Do you think that when your MIL asked about when you would stop taking meds, that she may have been just thinking about postpartum depression and that it would likely resolve at some point?  It was an inappropriate question to ask, and she shouldn't have inquired, but perhaps she hasn't grasped the fact that you may have a need to stay on meds.

The articles below about drama triangles might be helpful to read.  Perhaps it is something that both you and your husband can study and then discuss with your therapist, during a session.  Sounds like your MIL might be trying to form unhealthy relationship triangles with your sisters and your mom (and others). You may have already done this, but if you haven't, it might be strategic to coach your sisters and mom to NOT feed info. to your MIL (by phone, Facebook or any form of communication).  Best for others to strategically and politely choose to not comment/engage with MIL when she probes for info./details about you. 
KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
RELATIONSHIP TRIANGLE

I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do anymore. At the same time, I am adamant about taking care of my own mental health and protecting my family. How can I assert myself and hold my composure with her, when she is just so vile and mean to me, for no reason? Please help!         

You can't change your MIL, she has to want to change.  The only thing you have power over is how you interact with your MIL and how you react to her. You are off to a good start with therapy and setting boundaries and going no contact (NC) for awhile.  Some people go back and forth between no contact and limited contact.  It's up to you to decide.  Good behavior = more contact, bad behavior = less or no contact. 

The information at the links below about boundaries might be helpful to reinforce you knowledge.

BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are for your benefit, and it is up to you to enforce them. Whether you need to set a boundary now or later, best to be prepared:  

BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP

BOUNDARIES ARTICLE

EXAMPLES

FIVE SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Another strategy to use, is called "don't JADE".  You use it to avoid arguments.  When you had an unpleasant conversation with your MIL on breastfeeding, you could have used JADE (Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).  Perhaps, you could have stated that it was a personal matter that you did not want to discuss.  (then change the subject, visit the restroom, etc.).  Similarly, when MIL asked about your depression meds, you could have indicated that that was personal as well. When people ask inappropriate questions or try to offer unwelcome advice/opinions, you have the right to not discuss.  Click on the link below to get to the workshop:

DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments

Check out the workshop on JADE and tell us what you think.  Perhaps you could practice with some prior situations.  Could you have done something differently?  You don't have to answer inappropriate questions, or take the bait to JADE.

[alaskanewyorker]

Thanks for the advice, Naughty Nibbler! I think my husband and I discussed the drama triangle with our therapist. It would really be interesting to explore it again, for sure.

I am definitely intrigued on the info on Boundaries and will read through it, thoroughly.