introduction/first post

[beady]

I am a 60 yo mother of two children. My oldest, a daughter, is 33 and I believe is undiagnosed BPD. My son is 31 and was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder in high school.
In looking back at my daughter's history, I believe she has always been highly sensitive to both her own feelings, as well as others feelings. Strong willed since she was able to express her own feelings and opinions, both my husband and I grew adept at negotiating decisions that affected her, while keeping her within safe boundaries. I grew up with a controlling mother, so I wanted my daughter to feel she had some say in how her life unfolded, but still allowing her to explore the consequences of both her good and bad decisions.
A few months after my mother suicided, I received a call from her school Guidance Councillor informing me that her friends had expressed their concern over my daughter's behavior. My daughter entered into Out Patient counselling through the local Children's Hosp. for about 1 1/2 years. During that time she was admitted for observation for a week as she had jumped out of her bedroom window and started cutting herself. After the 1 1/2 years of counselling sessions, my daughter was assessed by a psychiatrist who decided that her behavior was normal teen-age behavior, and  no follow-up was done.
The following years my husband and I did our best to keep her safe, but the feeling of 'walking on eggshells' would describe exactly the atmosphere in our home. My BPDd was quick to anger, and hard to reason with and showed what I know now to be splitting. Although we allowed her to explore various areas of interest, she never really showed a passion for anything. Now, after a university degree and two college degrees, she remains unemployed and the only income she has is through selling vintage clothes on-line, and that falls well short of paying the rent. She has a long term boyfriend, and they live together, but I expect any day for him to throw up his hands and move out.
She blames my husband and I for not encouraging her enough, and continually brings up incidents in the past that she says shows how much we didn't care for her. She has memory like an elephant, and the memories are not always the same as I remember them to be. I think her memories are distorted to support her belief that we failed at raising her. She says many hurtful things, despite our supporting her and partially paying her student loans. She is now keeping her distance from us and says she won't talk to us until we get therapy. My spouse's and my opinion is that she is the one that needs therapy, but she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She's had various jobs in coffee shops, etc., but quits after a short time as she can't get along with her co-workers.
I know my story to be the same as so many others, and it feels good to know I am not alone in this. My husband and I are going to see a therapist, as we no longer know how to manage our daughter. We invited her to join us in the sessions, but she refuses. All of this is taking place while my son has moved back home with us after a failed experiment on his behalf to live on his own. And like so many of you, I still hold on to some glimmer of hope that we can welcome our daughter back into our fold. If it's one thing most of us have left, it's a deep love for our children.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi beady.  I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with your daughter... .much of what you describe is so similar to our struggles with our daughter, 20. 

She, too, blames my husband I for so many things.  She blames all of her present problems on us, because we felt she should not go away to school when she graduated high school, but instead attend our local community college and see how that went before leaving home.  We are from a small town and she would be at least two hours away had she gone to school away from home.  She was only 17 when she graduated (a November birthday) and her escalating behaviours throughout high school had us literally scared for her life had she gone away to school.  She already had one suicide attempt at that point, was contacting strangers on internet and could not manage her own hygiene properly (rotten food and used sanitary products among other things littered under mounds of clothing, etc... .)  The idea was one year at the local community college and then reassess whether she wanted to transfer elsewhere - at that point we were still hopeful some of the drama was high school related... .  Well, of course the behaviours just escalated at college... .we were so optimistic at first...   I now know optimism is much too painful to have with this disorder... .I now struggle to just have hope. 

Through suicide attempts, lying, disappearing acts, etc., we managed to help her graduate with her RPN licence.  I helped her get three awesome jobs which she actually loved... .but each one was lost as soon as she started up with a new guy.  Without my managing her life, everything has disintegrated... .  Maybe some would call it enabling, but I really feel that it was supporting her with life... .which she had needed help with since birth.  Like so many others who post here, I felt intuitively that something was off with my baby from the very beginning.  She needed special encouragement, reassurance, guidance with social interactions and friendships, and lots of patience.  My mantra for her was "The Little Engine that Could... ."... .I think I can, I think I can... .  It was exhausting for me, but it worked, she thrived and flourished and was the sweetest, well-behaved and mostly happy child.  Until puberty.  And then what I had to say, became so much less important than her peers, but even that was still manageable.  Until the internet became something I could no longer control in her life.  Despite following ALL of the recommendations of the experts of monitoring internet use (my kids never had WIFI at home before the age of 18 - they had to "plug in" in our family room to use it), my daughter started accessing it at school and in public places.  And that is when we started losing her... .it just took us several years to fully determine what was going on.  I truly believe if it wasn't for the internet, my daughter would always struggle with self-esteem and be hyper-sensitive, but she would not have destroyed her life and her family relationships the way she has.  Now, when the going gets tough, she tunes out real life, and lives in the dark, seedy places of the internet and meets up with strangers.  These strangers immediately become more important to her than us, and she betrays everyone in her life for them, often disappearing without a word to us... .She has "gone out for a walk" and not come back, without a word to us, ignoring pleas by text, phone calls, etc. to contact us.

Also being from Canada, I read your post on marijuana use with a lot of interest and nodding my head.  After talking to an emergency room doctor (during one of my daughter's crisis'  about his view on marijuana I am against the legalization in Canada. He has seen an escalation in delusional patients over the years, even in long time pot-smokers with no previous issues, due to the changes in modern marijuana that you described.  As well, there was a news program (maybe you saw it, Marketplace, I think) that determined that every single one of their test group pot smokers had brainwaves that showed schizophrenic traits after smoking up.  And the longer you use it, those traits may become irreversible.  I know my daughter becomes a totally different and scary person when she uses pot.  She claims she now recognizes that herself and has stopped using - I can only hope she's telling the truth.

Wishing you the best with your both your daughter and your son and your own therapy, beady.  You are not alone.

[Lollypop]

Hi beady

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you're here and know that you can find others that know exactly how you're feeling. This is a safe place to vent, learn by reading about BPD, brush up our skills and share our problems and achievements. It's been my life saver.

I'm very glad to hear that you and your husband are having therapy, it should really help particularly now that your son has returned home for your emotional support.  Having adult children who find life a challenge and resist taking full responsibility for themselves is certainly tricky. We can all learn and share together how we can more effectively support our adult kids.
Hugs

LP

[beady]

Thank you both Lollipop and MomMae for welcoming me into this group:

MomMae: I did see the Marketplace program on pot usage, and it backed up what I had heard at the Mood Disorders meetings I'd attended. It's a dilemma... .I'm not sure my protestations about it's usage with my son would have changed his decision to smoke it, but we are left to deal with the aftermath. I think it only triggers schizo in people who already are susceptible... .it puts them over the edge.

Once again, thank you both for welcoming me. It means a lot to know that we are not struggling alone

 



 

[Lollypop]

Hi Beady 

I just was wondering how your therapy sessions were going for yourself and husband?


LP

[beady]

Thank you LP for asking.  .  They actually don't start until late next week. I'll post here about how they go.