I don't know what to do.

[Lost Mother]

My 26 year old daughter conforms to all the traits of a someone who struggles with BPD.  I love her more than my own life, yet she has no idea of this truth.  I just need to say my heart breaks over and over, day after day.  Maybe someone here understands that.  She feels worthless, has no desire to live, is angry every morning she awakes because she's still alive.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to express my grief.  I really don't know what else to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi lost mother

First of all welcome to the forum. It takes courage to post and reach out and I want to say you've come to the right place.

It sounds as if you've been reading up on BPD. Have you taken a look at the top right hand side of this page Start Here. The more you read then the better you understand and as was said the other week in the forum "when you know better, you do better".  There's help and guidance here to help you more effectively support your daughter.

Does your daughter live with you?
Is she receiving any treatment at all?

Hugs

LP

[Lost Mother]

Hello LP, thank you for responding to my posting.  I have taken the pledge. 

[Lollypop]

Hi lost mother

Yes I saw and it turns out I was the last one to pledge and I remember writing it. It helped me and I hope it helps you.

I see you're going to try and not react. This is a great place to start and it's a lot easier when we understand the limitations that come with BPD.

It helped me to reflect that my son is an adult, his choices are his and I don't have to agree with them. He's responsible for himself and I need to remind myself where the problems lay (in his lap!).  I don't always get it right but have made a lot of progress since being on the forum. My son is learning how to solve his problems. The trick is to try and find a way to better interact despite the problems. We all learn by making mistakes.

It'd help if we knew a little more about your situation so we know what you may need help with. 

Lp

[sanemom62]

My daughter is 27 and live with me.  I can absolutely relate to your situation.  I want to learn as much as I can so I can stop making things worse and respond in a more positive, helpful manner.  I am so glad I found this support system.  You are not alone!

[Lollypop]

Welcome sanemom

I saw you posted on the pledge. I just wanted to say Hi and encourage you to read up in BPD (top right hand side of this page) as this is the first step and it'll help you not to react which is where we start. Post up when you want to. We're here together.

LP

[sanemom62]

Hello Lollypop,
I have been reading.  I read "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" which is how I found this support group.  After I was done with the book I felt such a mix of emotions. 

The knowledge that my daughter has BPD is beginning to settle in.  The book talks about how family members can cope.  I have known for a long time that something was wrong.  And her counselor mentioned it might be BPD to me a few times.  But I didn’t comprehend.  Now, that I am capable of understanding, and have read about it, I don't know what to do.  First, it brings some relief and hope.  At least it has a name, and I can learn how to cope, how to better communicate, how to help her, how to try to de-escalate situations.  Relief comes in the knowledge that she isn’t really just mean and hateful, that she doesn't really hate me, she’s just ill.  This is good to know.  But, it also brings tremendous grief and fear.  I must finally let go of my idea of who she might be, my hopes of her finding  a successful, self supporting, satisfied lifestyle.  I fear that healing could be elusive, especially if she is not willing to look at the situation, and continues to drink, and smoke.  It feels insurmountable right now and I am very down in the dumps.  My heart hurts so much.  Now I am grieving, but this too shall pass.

[Lost Mother]

To Lollipop,
To answer your questions; my daughter is currently staying in a hotel, waiting for June 1, when she can move into new apartment.  She has lived unsuccessfully on her own, since she was 18.  Combined with unsuccessful relationships, her attempts to live independently are never long term.
She does not seek any treatment.  Past therapeutic relationships have only served to make her suspicious and mistrustful.  She self medicates.  Marijuana sustains her, makes life bearable.
My question... .what do other caregivers do to not be consumed by all the emotions (grief, pain, fear, anger) their loved one elicits?  Therapy, for me, was helpful but painful and exhausting. My therapist is no longer available to me.  I would like to start again, but the thought of beginning all over again with someone new is overwhelming.

[Lollypop]

Hi Lostmother

You've asked such a simple question: what do we do to not be consumed by all the emotions.

I'm truly sorry you're feeling the way you do, Everybody here understands. Our situations may be very different but we all love our kids who struggle to cope with life's normal daytime day challenges. You've come to the right place.

My first step was to read and learn about BPD. Everything is here for you. When we know better, we do better. I found I didn't react to my son's behaviours when I understood his limitations. His life is incredibly difficult and I stopped making it worse for him - that was my first step, I found a better way to interact with him. There's hope.

My own son hasn't sought treatment. That was his decision, he's responsible for his own life. He's at home with us and it's been difficult to say the least but we inch forwards.

Does your daughter work?

You've mentioned you're feeling a range of emotions. This is very hard to deal with and I understand. What's your biggest problem at the moment (I'm guessing there's a lot!)?

Hugs

LP

[Lost Mother]

Lollypop, I appreciate your support, it's somewhat comforting to know you (and others) are in the same boat as me.  You make reference to your son's not seeking treatment.  My daughter has made the same choice.  Intellectually, I understand she's ultimately responsible for her own life, emotionally, I have very real fears for her successfully negotiating life.  She does not work.  Although very bright, the educational setting was  always problematic for her.  She finished 10th grade.  She has no skills with which to seek employment.  She would like to work, but even a job at Dunkin Donuts overwhelmed her.
Due to the breakdown of her most recent relationship,  she will be moving into to a new apartment.  I am maintaining some hope that this will be good for her.  A new environment, a new opportunity to make better life choices, possibly, a new life await her.
Your hugs are much appreciated.  It's she and I alone.  This is perhaps my greatest fear; she has no one and will forever be alone. Her father and I divorced many years ago, he conveniently lives a thousand miles away. She burned her bridges with my companion long ago. I have no close family.  She truly is alone, and is very conscious of that fact.  being adopted does not help.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Hugs to you too.
Lost Mother

[Skritty]

Hi Lost Mother
Again I am reading another post where the similarities to our situation are so evident. My son has been diagnosed with BPD, he is 33 years old. He too cannot live on his own, and has had several broken relationships.
He also is not seeking treatment.
This website (and people on here like Lollypop) have been an absolute lifeline for me. I have started utilizing the strategies I have learned and they do indeed make a difference! Our relationship with our son has improved to the point where his ramping anger has reduced quite a bit. He still gets agitated, but we have learned a lot about the triggers and how to react when he starts ramping. Still a long, long, long ways to go, but I am firmly convinced we are finally on the right path.
LP is absolutely bang in saying learn as much as you can about BPD. Knowledge is power! Once you start to make some progress you will definitely feel better.
I wish you, and everybody that posts here, all the best.
Skritty

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders