Introduction

[SadGal]

Hi everyone, I'm already feeling a little relief just finding this site, so thank you.

I'm an adult woman and my mother displays nearly every trait of BPD (and NPD). I've known this for several years, but only began comprehensively researching this within the past year, as our relationship becomes progressively more difficult to maintain. Here it is Mother's Day, I'm visiting with my mother for the weekend, and I can't wait to go home. I'm terribly sad on this day, because I envy those who have healthy relationships with their mothers, and because they actually enjoy spending time with them. If she was not my mother, I would not have anything to do with her.

I'm in therapy and also keep a journal, and these things are somewhat helpful. I've read several books about parents with BPD, and the information has given me a lot of clarity, better understanding of my mother, and provides good communication advice. Since beginning therapy and gaining better insight into this disorder I've felt very lonely and angry. I try not to talk to friends about this because, unless you experience it, it's hard to properly explain to people what you go through as the child of a BPD. Sometimes I just feel like I'm crazy.

I dread visits with my mother and I'm tired of my caretaker role. I try to begin to set boundaries and to stand up for myself, but she always seems to find a new manipulation to get her way; her new favorite thing is insulting me (and I know where it's coming from, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's still so difficult). I need to work on giving her validation and approval, although at times I'd rather just leave.

I'd appreciate any feedback, especially advice about not allowing myself to be controlled and manipulated. I've been a self-doubting doormat for far too long and, for my own health, need to change this relationship. Thank you in advance.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi SadGal:   

Welcome to the Community!  I'm glad that you joined.  It really helps to discuss your situation with others who can understand what you are going through.

I try to begin to set boundaries and to stand up for myself, but she always seems to find a new manipulation to get her way; her new favorite thing is insulting me (and I know where it's coming from, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's still so difficult). I need to work on giving her validation and approval, although at times I'd rather just leave.

The key to boundaries is that they are up to you to enforce consistently.  Your mom won't likely honor your boundaries.

Validation is only about acknowledging how someone feels.  You never want to validate facts that are invalid.  You don't have to agree with the feelings, either, as you just need to acknowledge them. You might find the validation information at the link below helpful.

DON'T INVALIDATE

LEVELS OF VALIDATION

Can you share some examples of what your mom insults you about?  Does it take place during your entire visit?

In what ways are you her caretaker?  Is your father in the picture?

[SadGal]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you for the warm welcome and for the links.

My father is not in the picture; my parents divorced when I was very young, but maintain a friendship as they've known each other since childhood. I recently made the decision to exclude my father from my life--he's not made much effort to be an active part of my life for years and made it clear in our last communication that he isn't going to. I made the mistake of sharing this with my mother (I guess I was seeking comfort), and she has since used this information to hurt me several times. At the same time I know that she enjoys her position as the "good parent" and she loves to talk about ways in which my father has failed me throughout my life, mostly when friends/family are present.

Her insults begin shortly after my arrival, and sometimes continue throughout my visit. Mostly they target the way I'm dressed (for example, she'll tell me that I should change into something nicer before we go to dinner at a casual restaurant, or that something I'm wearing looks weird), and always about my job (I'm a bartender and manager). She tells me to lie to our family about my current situation because she's afraid of looking bad in their eyes. I don't like to lie, so if I'm asked a direct question I just tell the truth. This pisses her off.

It's been more difficult for me to spend time with her since I've been researching BPD and realizing that I've been emotionally abused by my own mother. I feel like she senses my withdrawal and is now using whatever tactic she can to beat me down emotionally. She regularly refers to me as her clone, and uses nicknames like "pup," "my baby girl," or "baby" anything. She doesn't treat me like an adult whether we're alone or among friends/family. She has even made a comment that I can't go to Europe with anyone but her, after trying to convince me to go on vacation with her.

I've been her caretaker my entire life (except for when she's married). Her happiness depends upon my compliance. If she doesn't get her way (much like a child) she will pout or shut down entirely. When we are among friends/family, she can palpably change the energy in the room and I can tell that everyone then becomes uncomfortable. She texts me every day to tell me how much she misses me, and it feels like having a very needy and clingy girlfriend (which I've had before and that's suffocating). I feel like she constantly needs my attention. She has shown some improvement in one area: when she doesn't know how to do something she used to text or call me frequently. I now have her trained to use Google. We had a conversation about this during my last visit, and I was happy to learn that she feels empowered when she solves her own problems. I high-fived her and was genuinely excited for her, and that was a good day.

I'm emotionally drained after our visits, and exhausted from this relationship altogether. I know these feelings won't last forever, and I'm confident that I'll work through this. In the mean time, I practice lots of self-care

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again SadGal:   

Her insults begin shortly after my arrival, and sometimes continue throughout my visit. Mostly they target the way I'm dressed (for example, she'll tell me that I should change into something nicer before we go to dinner at a casual restaurant, or that something I'm wearing looks weird), and always about my job (I'm a bartender and manager). She tells me to lie to our family about my current situation because she's afraid of looking bad in their eyes. I don't like to lie, so if I'm asked a direct question I just tell the truth. This pisses her off.

Nothing wrong with bartending.  Perhaps your mom might like the term mixologist better.  . Good for you for staying honest.  It can take some effort, but you can just decide to ignore her criticism and not give it any power.  One suggestion I read about is to imagine you encase yourself in a plastic protective bubble, every time you are with her. Just expect that she is going to offer criticism, but it can't hurt you unless you let it.

I've been her caretaker my entire life (except for when she's married). Her happiness depends upon my compliance. If she doesn't get her way (much like a child) she will pout or shut down entirely. When we are among friends/family, she can palpably change the energy in the room and I can tell that everyone then becomes uncomfortable. She texts me every day to tell me how much she misses me, and it feels like having a very needy and clingy girlfriend (which I've had before and that's suffocating). I feel like she constantly needs my attention. 

That has to be exhausting and frustrating for you. The workshops below might be helpful to read through:

EMOTIONAL CAREGIVER
TOXIC SHAME (7 PAGES)

She has shown some improvement in one area: when she doesn't know how to do something she used to text or call me frequently. I now have her trained to use Google. We had a conversation about this during my last visit, and I was happy to learn that she feels empowered when she solves her own problems. I high-fived her and was genuinely excited for her, and that was a good day.   

Good job!  You supported her, by leading her to a tool instead of enabling her and doing it for her.

Good to hear that you are practicing lots of self-care!  Keep up the good work and the therapy and set some boundaries and things will continue to get better for you

Take care.  Let us know how things progress.   

[SadGal]

Thanks again, Naughty Nibbler, your response and links are appreciated!

Just prior to my most recent visit, I decided not to let her insults affect me, as you suggested with the plastic bubble. It was somewhat effective, and I imagine it will become more so as I strengthen my communication skills.

Take care, and have a great day!