Look how upset you are with your affair partner going quiet on you? That doesn't hold a candle to the destruction done by an affair to the innocent party.
I have been cheated on many times in my life. I have had affairs with 3 married women and I fell for each one (probably because they were unobtainable) and my ex said nothing to reassure me regarding her husband in the latter stages of the relationship. Ergo, I felt like she was having an affair the whole time I was with her. When I found out she had been to a gig with another man, she told me about it, I flipped out completely. She swore blind it was a platonic friendship and she said to me, 'You must have female friends.' I felt like strangling her. I felt betrayed. I am certain now that I have always had this emotional dysregulation because the pain I feel over things like this seems more extreme than most.
Empathy. Can you put yourself in the shoes of your wife if she finds out? Can you see how she would see the world upon finding out?
If it happens, and you see her face, you will hate yourself for doing that to another human being.
I am not so sure she would feel the way you are describing. For sure she would be hurt. However, we haven't had sex for 8 years. That is an awfully long time. I am a jealous man and I have found myself hoping that she is getting sex from somewhere. I think it is awful for her if she has been celibate for 8 years.
Ok I am going to be very honest with you now because this is what we are here for. I don't really feel guilty. I don't know why. I think it is the reason that I wrote in another post. I was always faithful in my 20's and I did my usual obsessive love over a woman who broke my heart when she left me (this was not long after my 17 year old brother died). Then I had another girlfriend after that who I was faithful to and I discovered she cheated on me. Once again devastation set in.
In my 30's when my drinking took a hold, I crossed that line too. I felt terribly guilty first of all bt as the years went by I normalised the behaviour. My AA sponsor used to argue with me because I told him I never felt guilty. He kept telling me that I must do but I'm hiding it. My explanation is that it became a habit.
It does seem like there is empathy impairment here. Or the other explanation could be that I am yearning for intimacy and so I feel justified. I really don't know.
