first relationship with someone with BPD... any advice?

[tangomurete]

hello... .i'm incredibly new to all of this.  i grew up with a mother who was mentally ill, but she never projected any anger toward me, was at my father and her family mostly.  however, i started dating someone with BPD about 9 months ago.  the relationship is long distance, but we try to meet with each other every couple months and i am in the process of trying to move so we can be in the same city.  my problem at the moment is once every month or two he "breaks ups" with me, meaning he says he's going to leave me, but won't let me go.  i have repeatedly told him to let me go, but he keeps coming back.  i've even tried to block him, but he finds a way to contact me and tells me he's sorry and it's the distance that's driving him crazy or he'll threaten to kill himself.  he'll go off at least once a week... .those i can usually calm him down.  he has some problems with my past so those are his triggers.  i've had to delete my facebook and instagram because he'd go through them finding things to get angry about when he is in a mood... .things that happened 10 years ago when i didn't even know him.  he'll tell me that i'm lying to him, cheating (which i would never do!), and wants to know answers to questions he already knows or i know he doesn't want the answers too.  but when i point out the lies that he's told me he completely avoids my comments.  i've been reading up on BPD for the last few months and i've tried all the tactics people suggest when their partner is in a mood, but they only work sometimes.  the last blow up he had started 3 days ago.  he got angry for a day, then was sweet to me, and then went full blown the next.  he said some of the most hurtful things that he's ever said to me and calls me school yard names.  he wants to end it and i keep telling him to let me go and i want it to be over, but i have a feeling the cycle is just going to start back cause he's trying to be sweet again today.  i plan(ned) on moving to his city here in august or so, but i'm starting to wonder if that is a good idea.  the thing is, when he comes to visit me he has his moods cause like i said... .my past seems to be a trigger, but when i go visit him everything is great.  because it's so good when i visit him, i feel like it's going to be ok when i'm over there.  i feel like with me being over there and him being in therapy, everything will be ok.  am i just being delirious and only HOPING things will work out?  should i completely shut him off and call it a day?  any sort of advice would be really helpful.  thank you all!

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[Gemsforeyes]

I only have a quick minute because I need to get on a business call, but your post struck a deep chord with me.  He has shown you so much so quickly.  Mine did too, but I kept making excuses for him thinking I could help him with my deep love, commitment and fierce loyalty.  Now 3.5 agonizing years later, I have just been able to finally let him go in what I NEED to consider his last rage at me.

Please please please... .let him go while you're in a safe place - living away from him where YOUR friends and support system are.  In his area, you will be completely isolated.  He'll see to that, I promise you.  I didn't know what this behavior was until AFTER he was gone this final time and I looked up "unprovoked rage in men" this past week.  It's been one month today that I've been free, and no text messages for 2 weeks now - yay!  I can almost breathe... .

In your heart of hearts, you know he won't change.  Please follow those instincts.  I felt like a caged and helpless animal in my own home so many times when he was living here.  I cannot imagine what it would have felt like to be living under his roof.  And we did have some great times... .but it's hard now to remember ANY of those... .

The hole in me will heal because I'll make it heal.  He never gave me what I needed in a man anyway.  He required too much of my soul.

All my best to you,
Gemsforeyes

[Mutt]

Hi tangomurete, 



I'd like join Gemforeyes and welcome you to bpdfamily. I agree with Gemforeyes that it's important that we stay connected with friends and family because a pwBPD will mostly say negative things about you. You say that he's in a mood one day and is nice the next, a pwBPD have a difficult time with seeing the world and the people in it as an integrated whole. Splitting is a core feature of the disorder, so if our pwBPD is reflecting mostly negative, that's a distorted perception of us. What about his friends and family when he's threatening SI, what's his support network like?

The tools are designed to help in r/s with a pwBPD but if the tools don't help, at least we've tried. What are your boundaries when he gets moody?

[tangomurete]

thank you Gemsforeyes and Mutt!

Gemsforeyes, congratulations with everything!  glad you’re finally getting your life to where you need it.  as for responding to your comments, i actually already feel isolated and i’ve expressed this concern with him and that i am scared of becoming more isolated when i move.  everything you’re saying is spot on, but i do love him to bits and i do have the best of intentions and the best of hope things will calm down.

Mutt, i still communicate with friends via phone and i live with my family, but i still feel more isolated than i ever considering i’ve had to delete all social media accounts and i don’t really interact with people as often as i used to.  i don’t think he’s ever expressed SI to his friends and family.  he’s only done it when i’ve refused to answer his calls or messages cause he knows i’ll answer for something like that.  his support network seems pretty good.  he is close to his mother, not so much his siblings or father, he’s got good friends, but his best friend lives abroad.  when he gets moody i first try to listen then i try to empathize with him.  if it gets to a point where he isn’t listening to me and starts in with his hateful comments i usually close up, shut off, and turn off all communication with him.

[Mutt]

if it gets to a point where he isn’t listening to me and starts in with his hateful comments i usually close up, shut off, and turn off all communication with him.

  That's good to hear

Are you worried about reactivating your social media because it might cause backlash from him?

[tangomurete]

Are you worried about reactivating your social media because it might cause backlash from him?

i am because he seems to use it as fuel for his fire when he gets angry.  he seemed to get around the privacy settings seeking out my friend's and trying to find photos of me or comments i made or that were directed toward me.  with male friends he wants to know who they are, how i met them, and assumes i've had some sort of romantic relationship with them (although he has plenty of female friends and i don't mind at all).  most things he was able to find were from 10 years ago, and he seems to associate the person i was then with the person i am now.  lately he's gone to googling me and assuming every photo that pops up is somehow associated with me.  he then starts asking me questions about this or that, answers that i know he doesn't want the answer to, answers i know that will only make him angrier.  he won't stop asking until i answer and when i do, he'll just get angrier, use it against me, and make more assumptions.  sometimes when he goes off, he doesn't even remember doing it... .is this normal as well?

[flourdust]

Hi and welcome, tango!

We've seen a lot of situations similar to yours before. You seem to be pretty clear-headed except for one bit of dangerous wishful thinking -- that if you move to his city, everything will get better. The problems you describe are not based on your relationship being long-distance. If anything, they are likely to intensify once you are in close proximity to him, giving him more opportunities to project his insecurities on you.

I suggest that you definitely put your move on hold. In the meantime, explore the tools and resources here to learn about BPD and to figure out if any of the techniques available can help improve your relationship.

[tangomurete]

I suggest that you definitely put your move on hold. In the meantime, explore the tools and resources here to learn about BPD and to figure out if any of the techniques available can help improve your relationship.

thanks for the advice flourdust!  i have been thinking about that lately, holding off the move.  he mentioned the other day when he was in a mood that it would only get worse.  i don't know if that was him trying to save me or a way of trying to hurt me.  i’ve read up a lot on BPD, but i need to read more about the techniques and put them into action.  i’ve asked him to go into therapy (even told him once i wouldn’t move until he did).  he’s even promised he would get help, but at this moment in time i see those as empty promises.

[flourdust]

Good. Stay smart!

[tangomurete]

Good. Stay smart!

thanks