Help, can't stop love BPD wife but I'm not well anymore

[Depression = 72% of members]

19 years married. Lost myself loving, trying, given all of myself and I'm beat down, depressed, sad, consumed, children don't respect me because I won't leave and my wife targets me, blames me, has had affairs and lies to everyone and our children. Gave my all to build her up, strengthen her self esteem, numerous therapists that she quits when same answers evolve that she doesn't like. Separated a year, losing everything, my wife, my children in part, my family, my home, my mind... .everything I've fought for and love. My therapists just say "Is it enough yet, ready to leave, when will it be enough?" Don't or won't label me as codependent, even when I ask, just say what they do about her and that I should have saved myself long ago. I don't doubt them. My friends have given up on me. I don't blame them. I still, even more, love her and want to come home. I can't even want that a little. Health, mind, emotionally almost destroyed! Hopeless! Shadow of myself. Therapist says I have PTSD. How pathetic of me. Terrified, anxiety, heartbroken, paralyzed and desperate.Nothing I was when we married. Slowly, bit by bit, choice by choice, choosing her and us every time to the point it's become automatic that I do. Oldest daughter attempted suicide. Diagnosed also with BPD. Son has all but dropped out of High School and smokes to much pot. Youngest daughter seems ok but I can sense the anger and detachment starting. High school for her next year and a storm is brewing. I have no control. Stripped of any ability to parent. But of course wife blames me! All straight "A" students until her first affair (known affair in our marriage.) I'm her 4th marriage, 1st lasted 2 weeks, 2nd 2 months, 3rd a year but together only 3 months. I didn't know the abuse she suffered from age 8 thru 13 until 3 yrs into our marriage.  Molested by her moms boyfriend, in her own room, where she should be safe for 5 years. Of course entered into abusive relationships. Who could blame her for being troubled? I'm sorry, I tried until all I could do is give me and try harder. Many stories. I know how I arrived at this point. I can't seem to stop loving her, wanting to be with her, wanting to be a family and get us all to a better place. Obviously I'm broken, lost and beyond hopelessness. I can't take this. I can't cope. Terrified she's dating but denies it yet out 4/5 nights a week. All friends she says. For a year. Used to let me come over when out so there for the kids but no more. I know I need to leave. Just no part of me wants to. 20 years, she got me, or BPD ran me down. I don't know how to handle this. Thanks... .

[Love4ever]

19 years married. Lost myself loving, trying, given all of myself and I'm beat down, depressed, sad, consumed, children don't respect me because I won't leave and my wife targets me, blames me, has had affairs and lies to everyone and our children. Gave my all to build her up, strengthen her self esteem, numerous therapists that she quits when same answers evolve that she doesn't like. Separated a year, losing everything, my wife, my children in part, my family, my home, my mind... .everything I've fought for and love. My therapists just say "Is it enough yet, ready to leave, when will it be enough?" Don't or won't label me as codependent, even when I ask, just say what they do about her and that I should have saved myself long ago. I don't doubt them. My friends have given up on me. I don't blame them. I still, even more, love her and want to come home. I can't even want that a little. Health, mind, emotionally almost destroyed! Hopeless! Shadow of myself. Therapist says I have PTSD. How pathetic of me. Terrified, anxiety, heartbroken, paralyzed and desperate.Nothing I was when we married. Slowly, bit by bit, choice by choice, choosing her and us every time to the point it's become automatic that I do. Oldest daughter attempted suicide. Diagnosed also with BPD. Son has all but dropped out of High School and smokes to much pot. Youngest daughter seems ok but I can sense the anger and detachment starting. High school for her next year and a storm is brewing. I have no control. Stripped of any ability to parent. But of course wife blames me! All straight "A" students until her first affair (known affair in our marriage.) I'm her 4th marriage, 1st lasted 2 weeks, 2nd 2 months, 3rd a year but together only 3 months. I didn't know the abuse she suffered from age 8 thru 13 until 3 yrs into our marriage.  Molested by her moms boyfriend, in her own room, where she should be safe for 5 years. Of course entered into abusive relationships. Who could blame her for being troubled? I'm sorry, I tried until all I could do is give me and try harder. Many stories. I know how I arrived at this point. I can't seem to stop loving her, wanting to be with her, wanting to be a family and get us all to a better place. Obviously I'm broken, lost and beyond hopelessness. I can't take this. I can't cope. Terrified she's dating but denies it yet out 4/5 nights a week. All friends she says. For a year. Used to let me come over when out so there for the kids but no more. I know I need to leave. Just no part of me wants to. 20 years, she got me, or BPD ran me down. I don't know how to handle this. Thanks... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Love4ever,

welcome to the family. Thanks a lot for sharing your story, as many of us will identify with it and find out we are not alone. I felt like that after 16 years of marriage, and it ended up in divorce, but I can't say it was the best outcome, it's not as easy as leaving and all the problems end. Doing that was the hardest thing I've done in my life. So I understand the position where everyone tells you that you should leave and you can't. You can't just stop loving a person that you love.

And there is nothing pathetic about that. If you don't experience love as something that takes all your life, maybe you're missing something of this life. Loving someone to pieces, doesn't mean it's going to be joyful. It doesn't guarranty that it's gonna be fine.

God only knows how you cope with all that. You understand that this is not something that she asked for, BPD is something that happened to her, so you can't blame her. And you are right. Nevertheless, you need to find a way to improve things for yourself and your family, and leaving is not the only option. We here understand it is not. We understand when no one else gets it. Most of us are in that position. Most of us hear constantly "But why do you stay in that relationship?".

You are now in no position to help anyone, your batteries are at 0%. So 1st you need to adknowledge that you need to charge those batteries before attempting any 2nd step. That's not easy and can't be done overnight. But it has to be one of your priorities. I'm not great on that either, so I'm gonna share one post that talks about taking care of yourself and what that means:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0

You can start there. Please, don't despair, and at least use this place as a way to be listened and understood. Best of luck.

[MsFixer]

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear about all your pain which is jumping off the screen. I think I experienced a sliver of what you're feeling recently when I went back to my uBPD husband after trying to leave. I knew I SHOULD leave and everyone knew what was going on, I just couldn't handle the pain and I've never felt so empty, pathetic, hopeless, and ashamed.

Different situation in many ways, but all I can offer is that I'm trying to get up every day and think "what would make me happy right now?"; "what am I feeling right now?" even though there's still a lot I cannot control. It's shocking how difficult that can be sometimes. I catch my mind wanting to focus on what he is thinking and feeling more than myself.

I'm working on one day at a time, one thing at a time. What's ONE thing you can do today for yourself? For me it's taking a walk with my dog, working out, seeing a friend, reading a book... .etc. Sometimes the simplest stuff can be the most healing.

Hoping for the best for you.