My inner experience with ASPD/BPD/NPD

[Vader1987]

Ever since I was a little boy I knew I was different. In the subject line I highlighted all three personality disorders because I believe that I have an overlapping mainly of those three, and I have traits of others. Ever since I can remember I knew I was different. I've always been hyper aware of my surroundings and attuned to what others thought and felt. I've always been at conflict with others as well. I've always been generally very accepting of others. More accepting and open minded than most I believe. For some reason that has never been the case with others. There was always this push-pull dynamic at play and it's been evident for my entire existence. I would be hanging out with the so called "popular" kids and some days would be okay. Then other days they wouldn't want to hang. Some days they would be disdainful, other days they would be accepting. I believe that alone one on one most people like me and would convey what they truly thought about me, but if they were in a group, and one person had influence over the other, they would quickly turn on me and pick sides. I used to never waiver as a kid when it came to what people thought. I would never grovel. Never fight for your attention or approval. I just stayed steady and people would always come back around. Now I'm not a push over. I still got into conflict with others and always held my ground. Never conformed to social peer pressure. You either took me as I am or not. I wouldn't ever back down when this at times led to physical confrontations, especially when I younger. I got picked on at times. I believe everyone in this life gets picked on at one time or another. It's just human nature. I believe it will always be that way. I wish we could all be more accepting and open minded towards one another, but that will simply never meet full satisfaction. So constant conflict with others has always been consistent in my life, and I truly believe that it's mostly others that incite this needless conflict.

Not having an identity has also been consistently be ongoing since I can remember. I feel from my own experience that my identity is fractured or broken. It's lost and irretrievable. I feel like my soul has been arrested or compromised. A part of me has been missing my entire life and it's just there. I can feel it. It's real. I can take on the appearance of anyone I meet at anytime. I'm an actor and a chameleon in my life. My identity is always changing. My identity crisis and also existential crisis causes chaos in my life. To not know who I truly am or what I truly enjoy and value is very painful and confusing , but mostly I'm just lost with myself most of the time. I believe the majority of people have a stable sense of self, they know what they like to do and enjoy. I've always had trouble knowing what I like to do and enjoy, along with me being severely bored all the time. Most people fill their day with activities, mundane or not. I have a problem with that. I'm not the same. I get bored very easily and feel like I have to do something on the edge to get my rocks off. A lack of identity stems way back in childhood, I can't put my finger on the exact time, but I believe it starts with your caregivers. Your parents. When you're parents don't accept who you are, mainly my father, and it's been consistent disapproval ever since I can remember, it's no wonder that I have an identity crisis. My parents divorced when I was young. I was 5 at the time and witnessed physical and emotional abuse from both parties. My Dad was in the military and when he was stationed in Saudi Arabia for operation Desert Storm, my mom was at home with me and my sister all the while cheating on my Dad and bringing guys home. They were also military. My mom has BPD, so she has been a wreck her whole life and never happy. I'm the only child out of her 4 children that has what she has. So I know that it's partly genetic, and environmental. I'm the oldest out of the four, and went through the most trauma, so I believe it has something to do with how I am. My parents finalized the divorce when I was six and the judge had granted custody to my Dad because of his impeccable record and also because of her erratic and manipulative behavior. It was unheard of at the time for the fatherbto get custody of their children. Most mothers end up getting some custody. After the divorce everything went from bad to worse. My mom became increasingly more erratic and paranoid. It became this battle of will between my parents and wanting their kids to take sides. Manipulation, lies, guilt tripping, and blame were all at play. That also I believe exacerbated the effects of my identity crisis. I also don't feel any guilt for what I do. I don't know if it's always been that way or if circumstance led me to become desensitized to guilt, but I don't feel any guilt or real remorse for my actions. This constant conflict in my small family ensued for years. My mom is BPD and unstable, and my Dad was angry and violent towards me. My Dad used to physically beat me, emotionally destroy me and tell me I was worthless. My mom manipulated and didn't beat me, but grabbed knives and such for a threatening effect. There is much more to the story but I can't explain it all. All I know is that it led me to an identity crisis and to become estranged from my parents and family. I'm not close to my family at all. I truly have no idea who I am and what I really enjoy. I just inhabit this body and I'm going through the daily motions. All I know is that I'm very hypersexual, peculiarly hypersexual ever since I was a child, I love my food and I love my sleep. I also tend to look in the mirror a lot. It's this constant compulsion to look in the mirror. I believe with the lack of identity I try to find myself in that mirror while at the same time admiring myself. Aware of all my flaws and admiring myself. I believe I have a little dash of narcissism in there somewhere. Not enough for want the approval of others, but just enough to be so vain and admire myself, even being aware of my shortcomings. It's possible to be an introverted narcissist. I can be extremely extroverted when I need to be, but mostly I identify with being more introverted. Always thinking. Always trying to collect my thoughts. The inner monologue is extremely draining and very violent towards myself and about others. I'm hyper aware of my surroundings at all times and having this tormenting inner monologue can be very taxing. Which brings me to the other aspect of my life and that is my job. Relationships with others.

With the constant battle inside my head at all times from when I wake up until I go to bed is extremely stressful. I can't seem to break that cycle. What ends up happening is depending on a trigger in my environment from someone or my lack of identity/existential crisis is that I end up getting angry. Angry at the world and society. It's usually not explosive anger, unless it's deliberate and I want to put someone in their place, but more implosive and more dangerous. It doesn't matter where I'm at throughout the day. I must admit it's easier when I'm not working, but the constant conflict with others and my disdain for authority make it very hard to function at work. I'm very competent at my job. Whatever I'm doing I do it well. Can be charming and normal to people, but I also have this impulsivity and unstable emotional turbulence in my mind. It's like I become another person. I person that looks very aggressive and evil. It's my like my eyes go from blue to darkness, black. I call it going into the abyss, because that is what it is. Once I'm there it's hard for me to pull out. Sometimes I can, but mostly I shut down. That creates tension in my environment and causes a rift where I go if I go to that dark place. To be honest I just implode on myself and get angry, then it transitions to frustration and then being upset. I don't really get depressed. Just angry mostly. Seems to be the hallmark of my disorder. Anger and irritation. Then I that point I want to escape. From the work environment I want to definitely escape. No one knows how to approach me at that point and they whole place is dead silence. I have that much of a profound impact on others around me. Negative and positive. I've also inspired others, but this implosive doesn't do me or anyone any favors. Then I want to escape and act impulsively, so I walk out of my job. Quit things before I can finish them. Self mutilation has never been my thing. Never been a cutter, but substance abuse has been my way to alleviate some of the suffering. Usually alcohol does the trick. I've done other drugs in the past, but never had an addiction to any of them. I take them to cope as well as to better connect with others. I don't connect with others well. It's possible for me to connect, but with a rare few. I'm superficial in nature mostly. There's no real connection. I have the ability to empathize and to turn empathy off. It's like a switch for me. I had a brain scan when I was a teenager because I had a medical condition that has happened, and what that revealed was startling. Thinking back on it is. I didn't know then. I was just 16. The prefrontal cortex of my brain is like it's turned off of not very active, but the middle and back of my brain is highly active. Way more active than normal. I think that it plays a part into who I am and why I act and think the way I do. I would like to know what people think about this. Please comment.

[Kwamina]

Hi Vader1987,

You suspect that you have elements of ASPD, BPD, NPD and also traits of other personality disorders. Have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of disorder? Have you perhaps ever seen a therapist for the issues you are dealing with?

You have been through a lot in your life and had quite a difficult childhood with your parents. Living like that really isn't easy for a child and I can see how this could really affect you even in your adult life. You also mention the brain scan when you were 16. What was done with the findings of that scan? Did you perhaps get any kind of targeted treatment after that?

[Charlie3236]

Hi Vader1987, I'm glad you reached out!
What you describe as a child is a life of absolute devastation, pain and horror. It's no wonder you're having these experiences with the trauma you've been through! Your brain shut down parts that were too terrible for a little mind to process, a brilliant coping mechanism! But now the "shut-down" part wants a voice. This is very common with abuse and trauma survivors.
First let me say that what happened to you wasn't your fault, you were an innocent child who should have been protected and cared for. No wonder you're angry! While no one will ever be able to take away the pain of not having loving, kind and good parents, there are ways to heal and grow and let those inner parts live again! With a good therapist and a lot of work I've been able to process through so much of my past trauma, gain perspective, and live a life that's abundantly full despite my brain not being normal.
I hope and pray this for you too! That you were able to write all this and reach out for help is a very hopeful place! We are here for you.

[HelenaHandbasket]

Hi Vader--I'm glad you decided to post about what you're going through. It takes guts to confront our own demons. I totally agree with the other commenters that it would be wise to seek out some targeted therapy for these issues.  The fact that your brain scan showed something clear-cut will be important information for your therapist to know, and hopefully that can lead to some strategies for helping you get in touch with yourself. It's brave to seek out this kind of help, and it's hard work to make use of it. I sincerely hope that at the end of all that, you'll be able to find real meaning in your life and feel good about yourself. Please feel free to keep us all posted along the way, and know that we are rooting for you. 

[HelenaHandbasket]

Also--you are probably already educated about all this, but just in case you haven't researched the brain architecture issue: The prefrontal cortex of the brain is responsible for a lot of our personality.  It's the part of the brain that has a huge impact on forward planning, decision making, perception of social cues, social behavior, and a load of other things.  The amygdala is the part of the brain that controls our responses to stimuli--in particular, our threat perception and fear responses. An underactive amygdala can result in a person who doesn't feel much fear, and consequently may need extreme stimuli to feel alive (bungee jumping, skydiving, risk taking in general).  An overactive amygdala may result in a person who perceives threat EVERYWHERE--these are the people who get terribly offended and angry at the most gentle ribbing (my sister in law is one of these--you can't tease her at all, not even really lightly, or she will get hurt and furious). The amygdala receives a lot of crucial information from the prefrontal cortex, and there is a strong connection between the two. 

Obviously, all this can have a huge affect on personality.  In your case, it sounds like you had some pretty serious trauma as a child.  You might be interested to read this article on the connection between trauma and the amygdala: https://intechopen.com/books/the-amygdala-a-discrete-multitasking-manager/traumatic-experiences-disrupt-amygdala-prefrontal-connectivity  Here's another good article on the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala:www.dana.org/News/Details.aspx?id=43024

There is a ton of great reading out there about all this. I'd encourage you to read up, if you haven't already. Knowledge is power, and the more you have the more you can offer your therapist as further tools to help devise a strategy for treatment.

I wish you the best!