Second introduction... uBPD husband and trying to change things

[MsFixer]

Hi members!

This is my first post from a new username... .I decided mine was too easily identifiable should my uBPD husband decide to start poking around (not that he shows a lot of interest in self diagnosis or my feelings about his behaviors - that would be a first for sure).

For anyone who saw my previous posts about deciding whether to divorce following an affair and 4+ years of emotional and verbal abuse, thank you very much for your advice and support (PM me if you want to know what my previous username was).

For anyone who didn't see previous posts: my story is a lot like many others on this site. Here's the super abbreviated version. Been married for 4 years following a very intense and short courtship (it was so romantic... .sigh). Soon after we moved in together the criticism, emotional and verbal abuse, and intermittent rages began. I started walking on eggshells, as I was perfectly conditioned to do by a NPD/BPD father. I learned about BPD. For a few years things got a lot worse, and then he started therapy and medication and things started to improve, but in the past 18 months he's had two affairs and we just separated following the last one. I came back to give things another shot, as I still love him very much and am holding on to the tiniest shred of hope for the future.

We're having good days and bad and I'm trying to be honest with myself about what can and cannot change in our marriage. I am working on controlling my own behavior and setting boundaries and also recognize that he is likely to cheat again. I really want to be able to leave if and when that happens.

For anyone out there still trying to make things work, I guess my question is, where are you starting? I struggle so much to state my own feelings and needs knowing they will be met with attacks and invalidation. How do you not give up on this? I know it's something I need to do if there is even a small chance of staying in my marriage without losing my mind.

Thanks as always, this community is awesome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.