why does he feel the need to criticize?

[forret]

I am new here. So please bear with me.

Could somebody please explain to me why my BPD boyfriend feels the need to criticize me? Not always but very very often?

It is as if he is driven by this need to devaluate me.

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[dealingwithit]

In my experience, it is an obsessive thing their brain does. They feel bad about themselves and blame others so they don't have to feel the emotion that they are bad. So it is projected onto you. Problem solved. It can be difficult to deal with. I try to realize it's not my issue, but his and try not to take it personally and not take responsibility for things that are outisde of normal thought.

[forret]

Thanks "dealingwithit"

In your experience does this make "them" feel better? Does the projection work? or is it just getting rid of steam and anger?

When my boyfriend goes on a "rampage" I often wonder if he really believes what he says. When he is in a very bad place I think he does. At those times he seems consumed by his feelings - but then now and again he seems to be nasty just to hurt me. Like a power game where he has a psychological need to put me down (in order to stay much higher himself)

[isilme]

or is it just getting rid of steam and anger?

I think it's just a knee-jerk reaction TO the anger. 

Also, at the time they are saying these kinds of things, yes, I believe they believe it.  And 5 minutes later, once their emotions have changed, they no longer believe it and will possibly deny ever saying it.  Or claim you said it.  Whatever can be done to distance themselves from the shame of ever saying or doing anything wrong.

It's far easier to criticize you, to pick at you, to make all problems in your shared lives about you, than it ever would be to look inward.

I have a term in my head - it's by no means a "real" term, but I describe it as being in the BPD Bubble.  Once you are in the bubble, that's when you start to see the BBPD behavior that brings us to places like bpdfamily to learn more.  Like this - H is super critical of his own clothing.  When he is feeling REALLY bad about his own appearance, he tries to micromanage what I choose to wear, to avoid talking about how he feels ugly.  He makes it about ME, and can often say things that are not very nice, but they are more often what he is thinking about himself. 

[tangomurete]

Also, at the time they are saying these kinds of things, yes, I believe they believe it.  And 5 minutes later, once their emotions have changed, they no longer believe it and will possibly deny ever saying it.  Or claim you said it.  Whatever can be done to distance themselves from the shame of ever saying or doing anything wrong.

this thread is very similar to what the relationship i am in, him always criticizing me for what i did or did not do.  i found this quote quite interesting.  i have found that on a few occasions he says he can't remember going off or saying certain things.  for example, one night he got into a rage and claimed that i had been saying someone else's name in bed.  the next morning he was boasting about what a great night we had had.  i mentioned i didn't cause he got upset.  he was shocked and claimed he didn't remember his outburst.  do they tend to "blackout" sometimes when this is happening, or is this just them trying to deny it happened?