Reaching Out

[Aidda]

I'm senior majoring in psychology and art in college and I never heard of BPD until I took an abnormal psychology class. I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks, the thought, "this sounds just like my sister."
I'm 23 now, but when I was a senior in high school I found out that my sister (who was in the 8th grade at the time) was self harming/suicidal around March or May, then two weeks later that my Dad had kidney/prostate cancer (he's been cancer free now since a series of surgeries which is really good). It was an intensely emotional time to say the least.
My sister has always had a difficult personality. I've always described it to others that she was born thinking she was an adult basically. That she wont listen to advice and seems at times to lack caring for others opinions or feelings. Then there are other times she can be really sweet and caring, it flips back and forth.
I was very withdrawn as a teenager because I internalized the effects of my mother's depression and my father's emotionally distant or occasional aggressive behavior. They were and are good parents who always provided for me though and as I've gotten older I've come to terms with the fact that they are people who've had emotional struggles/were imperfect. I think everyone has to do this with experiences that weren't great, but were good mixed with some bad. It's difficult, especially as a teenager to not let the bad diminish all the good, especially in regards to your parents.
When I found out about my sister when I was 18 I just felt physically sick. That whole time I couldn't even listen to music on the radio going to work or school. Just the christian station, because anything else was hollow, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Around my junior year I had come more to terms with accepting my parents as I became more religious at that time. I'd always gone to church with my family but I didn't really act independently in developing my beliefs until I was a junior and someone in my youth group died. That's really what I attribute to making a vast improvement to my life.
Anyway before that I was often cruel to my sister who would frequently want to watch tv with me or spend time with me. I'd call her names and tell her to go away. This I think because of my feelings about my parents and life being negative, and her generally difficult personality. I think also because she was five years younger than me and I was trying to be cool and accepted by my peers so I tried to distance myself from "uncool" things like hanging out with my younger sister. This wasn't all the time, I did try at some points to be kind, but my unkind behavior was definitely mixed in.
So when I found out she was self harming I felt a sense of guilt. I'd apologized to her for my behavior a year or two before and had not teased her for a long time, but she hadn't really made the effort with me to improve our relationship. My parents would think we were fighting at the time, when really she would just become very angry if I found out she had taken something of mine. She was angry that I found out, even if it was true. She had a habit for years of taking my things and destroying them. Not just a few things, it'd always be mass quantities of things missing, eventually I got a special lock for my door. Whether I asked or found out she was never sorry, just really mad. I changed my strategy to just looking for my missing things and upon retrieving them I would just never talk to her about it to prevent conflict.
I never knew much details about her self harming except it was eraser burning and later she told me she had attempted suicide, but there was never any dramatic proof or having to take her to the hospital so I don't know when that occurred. My Mom put her in therapy and pulled her out of school that year to homeschool her. She stopped self harming after these steps were taken, and hopes were that she was fine when she went to high school. I left for college in Idaho that year. During this time my older brother had been on a two year mission for our church in California. My younger brother was only 10 at the time so he was kept in the dark about most of these things.
My sister from that point seemed a bit better, but from there went on to have a series of boyfriends which I found alarming. This being because our religion discouraged pairing off as teenagers, rather encouraging friendships and dating. So my whole family wasn't thrilled, but we all supported her and hoped maybe these boyfriends would help her. The pattern with all these boyfriends was the same, they would be obsessed with her at the beginning (she is very pretty and musically talented) and then break up with her suddenly. She then began drinking coffee, and admitted to trying a cigarette once. She went back and forth with wanting to be religious but also not wanted to be instructed in anything.
During this time I finished my freshman year, my older brother returned home and went to school with me. He hadn't really processed all this drama when he was gone. I didn't realize this and I was so relieved when he came home I cried, because I thought maybe I'd finally get support in dealing with all these things. But he had a lot of problems coming back. I helped him pick out a new wardrobe and get ready to start college, I found him an apartment in my complex even. But when we were in school he just had a lot of depression and anxiety. He would stay up all night and sleep all day, missing all his classes. He was really thin and didn't feed himself properly. I tried to get him to spend time with me and my friends but he didn't want to. I tried to make him charts on how to properly eat and exercise to improve his mood, but he had to want to change himself. He thought he was having a heart attack once and went to the hospital, I rushed over, it was an anxiety attack. They gave him medicine. I had to buy him lunch in the hospital because he had run out of money (he'd use a lot of the money my parents would budget him to buy movies and fast food). So I went and bought all his groceries with his next months money allotment so he wouldn't have any spending money left. (he went to therapy and is doing great now, got married and is renovating a house with his lovely wife) I had difficult friends at the time too who didn't really care about me. Because of all these things I decided it would help everyone/myself if I were financially independent so I took a job that included room/board because I didn't have car. I also needed to escape all these intense things from the past couple of years. In my job I learned a lot, but it was also very intense. One of my managers physically abused me one day so I had to quit because they were unwilling to address the problem. They didn't want to send her to anger therapy or let me transfer departments. I was pretty much a junior manager in the gift shop I worked in so it was very upsetting because of all I invested. I went to live at home and finished my associates degree online.
At this time I was around my sister again constantly for almost a year and a half. (I moved out a little over a year ago and now live/attend college a few hours from home) The boyfriends continued, but the cycle remained that the relationships were short lived with the boy breaking up with her. Then she got one boyfriend who really loved her and they were obsessed with each other. They began having sex their first month into the relationship. They were both only 16. I suspected because he gave her lavish gifts but none of us knew until recently, more than a year later. They broke up after almost a year together. He had mental problems too and chronic seizures. But right before they broke up my sister got charged for possessing pot. She had been in a photo shoot with a friend and knew the friend got neurotic on drugs but they both decided to smoke some pot after in a parking lot. The girl starting beating up my sister saying she was going to kill her. My sister tried to run away and someone driving by saw them. He took the girl in his car to drive her home and my sister drove behind. She was 17 so she was charged as a minor and was lucky to only have to go to classes once a week for 6 weeks and do community service. My parents had no idea, they just knew she had smoked cigarettes but thought she had stopped. My parents put her in therapy again, and she asked her to not move out but stay at home her first year of college. They would help her with everything because they knew she needed serious help. Well her boyfriend broke up with her and according to my sister he is selling drugs now, so she was hysterical about losing him for a while. Though the pot smoking they often did together and she probably grew more reliant on it when they broke up.
My parents told her if she smoked pot or cigarettes in the house though they'd have to kick her out because this went against all the values she been raised with and was not a good influence on my little brother who is almost 15. She couldn't keep this commitment. After she graduates my mom is helping her find a place and kicking her out. They took away the new car they were letting her use and gave her my brother's old car as a gift (she now is getting her own insurance and things).

It's really hard to put into words or explain to others the entirety of a person. It's all definitely been draining. My sister is very volatile and I'm very worried for her to go out on her own. Her behavior is just so destructive. She cusses at my parents and easily blows up. Then is hysterical and depressed at other times. She doesn't have any long lasting friendships or steady relationships. She has cut ties with our church and completely gone against the values she has been taught. All her personality characteristics that I have/haven't described her seem to point to BPD to me. It's scary to deal with someone so unreasonable and unpredictable. She doesn't see reason, even if she had limited her pot smoking/cigarettes to outside of the house then she would have food/a home/money for school.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing all this, I'm not someone to typically share, but this seemed like a safe place. I'd love to hear any thoughts or similar experiences. She is almost 18, but hasn't been diagnosed because obviously there is a stigma against diagnosing children/teenagers because their personalities haven't fully developed. She has always been difficult though, many of these traits in her behavior go back to her childhood. I just don't know how to help her, but she is on a path that is destroying her life.

[Mutt]

Hi Aidda,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, I can tell that you have a good heart and you care a lot about your sister. I didn't have a sibling with BPD traits I have an ex wife that I cared a lot about that has BPD traits, I completely understand how we wish that the would see their behaviors and get help for themselves.

You have an edge with getting a major in psychology, you mentioned that your sister has anxiety and depression, a pwBPD usually have an underlying clinical depression. You mentioned stigma, BPD still carries a heavy stigma, but anxiety and depression are more widely acceptable in society. I was just reading recently that they're going talk teach about depression in schools! That being said, you could suggest that she tries to get help for her anxiety and depression, she may feel less shame for going in to get help for that and maybe it will a positive step for her to get help for BPD.

I'd advise to not put this all on your back, we all have our own journey's and we don't know what lies ahead, you never know what will happen. We advise to learn as much as you can about BPD to depersonalize the behaviors and to normalize them as well, your sister is lucky to have you, try to not take it personally, you didn't cause the disorder, it's something that she's going through, just be supportive when she needs it and take really good care of yourself.

Dr Robert O. Friedel had a sister named Denise, his sister destroyed a golf club of his when they were young and he was scared of her when she got really mean, there wasn't a lot of treatment for BPD back then, his sister was never diagnosed, you might be able to relate to him.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not well understood by the general public. Personality Disorder Demystified is an excellent resource to help someone become "grounded" in the basics and have a reliable foundation. The author is well founded technically and in personal experience - he is an MD and his sister has the disorder. This is an excellent read. It is, however, not a "how to" book.

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

PS you'll find the lessons on the right side of the board