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Author Topic: Hoping you all can help.  (Read 381 times)
SurvivingBP17

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« on: May 20, 2017, 10:46:52 AM »

Hi all Smiling (click to insert in post)

I came across this site by chance and can't help but feel a glimmer of hope to save my floundering marriage, save my kids from the pain of another fracture, and continue to give my family the best life possible.

I have been happily married for 11 years now.  I can truly say happily, because despite my wife's difficulties, and my own personal difficulties, I have enjoyed the majority of my marriage. When its good, it's great! But, when it is goes south, the feeling is horrible.  I am far from perfect, but with counseling I feel i have been able to mitigate many of my own issues.  I know that this isn't a one-sided issue.

I love my wife. I love my kids. And I love my family.  I have sacrificed a great deal for them; by my own choice of course.  I have no regrets about things I have had to give up.  But I feel like I can do more to help give them the best life possible.

What I hope to gain from all of you is help and advice in how to best help my family.  I have to do something to help end the cycle of emotional abuse and how i react and deal with it.  I have to do something to help my wife, my kids, and myself.  I constantly worry that, she will never see the damage she is doing.  And how her actions are eroding what could easily be a very good life.

I see the pain she suffers when she departs from the wonderful woman I know and love. We need help.



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SurvivingBP17

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2017, 07:37:13 PM »

So here I am and the struggle continues.  I posted earlier today and while I feel that there is a brighter future, today is pretty gloomy.  As I sit here and write she is preparing to go out for the 3rd night in a row.  Outsdie of some superficial conversation in passing, we haven't talked in days. 

I approached her while she was doing her hair, and asked ":)o you want to talk?" She sharply replied "I've already told you what I want.  You want to do what ever you want to do, so there's nothing to talk about."  She is referring to the conversation in which she told me that she wanted me to leave and that we should no longer be together.  Her justification was that she could no longer deal with my mood swings or and that she didn't "just didn't want to do it anymore". Even just last night, she woke me up just to tell me "You need to be gone by Sunday". I did not reply. I just rolled over and closed my eyes. I don't know how intoxicated she was but, i was not about to enter a hostile discussion in the middle of the night that I new might wake up the kids.  To her dismay, I have not left; nor do I intend to.  If it were just me, maybe I would. But with our four children, who have had to endure this before, I will not comply with her irrational request.  I have seen the look in their eyes, and heard the pain in their voices in times when I went along with her wishes.  And only to result in serious financial debt and a family piecing itself back together when she deems me worthy to return. 

I have to admit that I have my own set of issues that I deal with; I am not an angel.  PTSD, Dysthymia (Long term depression), and alcoholism (sober for over 3 years (yay me)) being the clinical diagnoses, but with several years of counseling I have learned to manage my issues.  Not perfectly, but there has been definite progress.  And after reading about validation, I can see how a history of issues can compound the challenge of loving a pwBPD.

I should also mention that there is no clinical diagnosis for BPD in my wife.  While we have both agreed (without conflict) that she suffers from underlying issues, she has never sought any kind of professional help.  The best our expert medical practitioners could do was to prescribe her some xanax.  That was about as far as it got. I can definitely understand the challenge of committing to seeking help.  For me, that simple task has always presented itself as a monumental hurdle to overcome.  Especially when you have a partner who for the most part has supported her negative behaviors by complying with her irrationality.  I also understand that recovering from mental disorder is a two steps forward and one step back process.  I have definitely had my "relapses" and I can definitely relate to her trying to manage her own inner demons.

But i digress... .

My biggest problem currently is how to bring her back to a place where we can open the communication channels again.  Perhaps my silence over the past few days was the wrong thing to do.  I felt that I was giving her time to cool down, but I'm starting to feel like it may have only emboldened her.  Typically at this point in her worst moments, all she wants to do is to break me down as much as possible. What ever it takes.  Whether it be by making negative comments to our children, not talking, insults, and the worst... .cheating on me. Its almost like the stronger I stand, the more she gets angry.  And the more she commits irrational things she feels guilty for later.  And at this point, I'm not trying to change her mind as much as I am trying to somehow reason with her.  I am trying to stop the cycle before it hits the bottom this time.  Perhaps i am too late and will just have to ride out the storm. The tension in the house is getting thicker by the day.  And if I know her, she's planning to use some kind of heavy artillery soon. 

For now though, I will remain vigilant and not lash out.  I'm hurting, but I think I can manage for now.  I'll continue reading your posts in search of answers, and hopefully the answer will present itself.  I'm already learning so much about the woman I have loved for over a decade, but never understood.

Thanks.

Keep posting
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Rosey87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2017, 11:07:40 PM »

Hey SurvivingBPD, I read your story and had nothing but the strongest sense of relation to it. I am also new here. My girlfriend was recently diagnosed BPD. Got painted black, got kicked out of the house, (well, I left when I was asked to) have had lies after mountain of lies thrown at me, you name it, I've had it. I also used to be an alcoholic/addict. Two years and three months sober. I can tell you, and maybe it's wishful thinking, but I'd rather have my addiction back than to deal with this mental illness.

There's not much advice I can really give you. I just really wanted to tell you that, I know what you're going through to some degree. It must be a hell of a lot harder with children involved. Have you tried to sit down as a family and talk?
I go to therapy for what has happened and have been put on an anti depressant. It seems to be working.
Maybe time is what is all that is needed. You sound like you've had great times with your wife and family. And I know you've had bad ones.

You're not alone my friend. Neither am I and I thank God for this site right now. Looking at these stories and knowing that I'm not the only one is a hell of a lot easier than thinking I was going it alone.

All my best, reach out whenever you can. I hope and pray all works out for you, your children and your wife. I hope and pray you reach the desired conclusion you want. I really do.
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SurvivingBP17

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 21


« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2017, 07:37:53 PM »

You're not alone my friend. Neither am I and I thank God for this site right now. Looking at these stories and knowing that I'm not the only one is a hell of a lot easier than thinking I was going it alone.

Thanks Rosey87,

It's three weeks later and we are still in the throws of the dark times.  I appreciate your best wishes and I hope the same for you. 

Congrats on your sobriety though.  I find that these times really challenge my ability to stay away from a drink.  But as my wife clearly displays her dysfunction, I am reminded of what it must have looked like while I went through mine. But you are right in saying that a good bourbon would be awesome right now.  

I have spoken with one of my sons about the current situation, and he also mentioned the idea of a family meeting.  Sometimes its amazing how much insight and wisdom a 16 year old can have.  I am thankful to have his support.  As much as I wish we didn't have to have discussions about this stuff, I know that he is hurting just like we all are. 

I thank God for this site though.  Because of it, I have at least been able to handle her dysfunction and at least get through daily interactions.  I used to be flying through the storm in the dark, often being struck by lightning and not knowing how to react.  Now I know how to avoid and protect against at least some of the strikes. And I no longer look at her like some crazy, vindictive, self-centered, and self destructive monster.  She is just the woman I have loved, trapped behind the invisible walls of BPD. I often imagin her as a scared little rabbit... .in a fully armored tank firing at anything that moves.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I wish the best of luck to you.  If you can, be patient and stay educated. Perhaps you too will be able to navigate the storms as well.   
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