After Five Month No Contact we are Back Working Well but big Trigger today...

[sandstoneD]

Hi,
I diagnosed my BF with BPD we have never discussed this. I blocked him out of my life completely for five months because of his treatment of me and inability to commit, we have been back together for almost two months and it has been wonderful.  He has changed and included me in his life in the very ways I needed and wanted.  But today we had our first trigger event - me expressing that I was bothered my the fact that he was going to see his ex GF for her daughter's 21st birthday which is also the same date as his birthday which I want to celebrate and be with with him. Unfortunately, I had thought I could not be with him on the night of his birthday because my daughter had her chorus performance.  I told him I would see him that day and of course celebrate with him out the next night. After I told him this he told me about see the daughter of his ex with his ex.  But that if it bothered me he would not.  I did not respond at that time.

The next day come to find out I had the wrong date for the performance, I let him know the awesome news that I could see him on the night of his birthday. Later he told me he would  see them then meet me after for dinner. I then texted him that it did bother me, that he is in the relationship with me now and I did not understand why he wanted to see them and that the daughter could come out with us and that would be fine.

THERE IT WENT! I was thinking the trigger was me telling him I could not see him on his birthday then being able to.  But either way - IS IT REASONABLE FOR ME TO BE BOTHERED BY HIM SEEING HIS EX AND HER DAUGHTER? My friend is telling me I should be bothered and I listened to her. I am bothered cause I feel like he is too involved and interested in his Ex in weird ways. 

Sorry so long... .he is now cancelling on me for tonight with MY daughter, telling me he will be alone on his birthday and that he no longer wants me included in all of the plans we had made for the weekend when his family comes into town

I CANNOT HANDLE going back to this behavior with him but our relationship has been wonderful and I love him so much.  I need a full committed relationship that I do not want to feel abandoned either - I hate this feeling.

ANY HELP OR ADVISE ON HOW TO RESPOND TO HIM WHEN HE DOES THIS - THE CUTTING OFF TERMINATING THINGS AND THE LACK OF LOGIC IN WHAT HE SAYS I DID WHEN HE IS ANGRY! Please any help is appreciated. JaneD

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[gotbushels]

Hi JaneD 

Welcome.

It looks like there were some changes in plans and circumstances involving an ex.

I then texted him that it did bother me, that he is in the relationship with me now and I did not understand why he wanted to see them and that the daughter could come out with us and that would be fine.

What did he say when you asked him about this?

Some people have different views about seeing ex partners.

It's not unreasonable for you to be bothered by him seeing his ex and her daughter. My ex had demonstrated that she couldn't be trusted with persons of the opposite sex and used jealousy as an attention-getting method. For this reason, it bothered me greatly when she was with a person of the opposite sex. It would of course bother me even more if this was a person who was intimate with her as well. So I have some understanding of where you're coming from. I didn't consider myself a particularly jealous person until I met my ex pwBPD—so this aspect of the relationship was quite jarring to me.

There seems to be a big push-and-pull with the situation when you include that he cancelled on your and your daughter, as well the plans with his family. Many relationships with pwBPDs have this characteristic of things being "un-plannable". So you're not alone on that.

It seems like you want him to stop seeing his ex. I suggest you figure out his ideas on this and see if you can find some kind of solution that the two of you are okay with. If you have X ideas on seeing exs and he has Y ideas on seeing exs, and X and Y are conflicting—then it's going to have to be sorted out eventually. I think that's true for "normal" relationships and one involving a pwBPD.

[sandstoneD]

Hello and thank you for your response. He told me it was the daughter of his ex who wanted him to join them to celebrate - her 21st birthday.  His response to all of this was to say he is not seeing me or them on his birthday and is doing nothing since I - tainted it with negativity, ruined his birthday, did this thing... .blah blah when all I did was say - literally - it bothered me.

I guess now what bothers me more than his ex is this repeating pattern of canceling our upcoming events when he is triggered and the complete lack of logic in his reasoning and the blaming and total lack of responsibility.  I read and read about BPD  and  try to make unusual concessions for his behavior in my responses because I know if I use normal modes of conversation or actions just do not work.

The first time we were together he was openly saying he was not in a relationship with me but dating, he KNOWS that I got back to him due to being 100% exclusive and for sure if it is anything but that I am out of here.

Really what I would most like to hear about are the strategies or suggestions for talking to him in a way or responding to him in a way so that when he is triggered and canceling plans  - what to do or say to best end that cycle.  I would not even attempt to ask him about his feelings about his ex or - now whether he is willing to get help - until this cycle is over.

In the mean time I am in total pain over not being able to celebrate his birthday with him and feel punished by him and really pissed actually.  And also that he now leaves me with saying he is unsure if I will be joining the family this weekend, I feel punished and I did nothing.  I am not ready to leave but man I do not know how many of these triggered situations I can handle.

THANKS FOR ANY HELP

[gotbushels]

In the mean time I am in total pain over not being able to celebrate his birthday with him and feel punished by him and really pissed actually.  And also that he now leaves me with saying he is unsure if I will be joining the family this weekend, I feel punished and I did nothing.  I am not ready to leave but man I do not know how many of these triggered situations I can handle.

It's difficult to not be with someone whom we consider a partner on a day that's expected to be spent with a partner. So I appreciate what that's like—to be feeling punished. When we're denied that thing we want, then that punishment feeling can move to anger. When we're disappointed with how someone treats us, some moments of distance can be effective for us to assess how we feel and what to do about the particular situation. What's your self care looking like JaneD?

Really what I would most like to hear about are the strategies or suggestions for talking to him in a way or responding to him in a way so that when he is triggered and canceling plans  - what to do or say to best end that cycle.

I suggest these:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind
and
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

The video on the second link is very good.

I would not even attempt to ask him about his feelings about his ex or - now whether he is willing to get help - until this cycle is over.

A good idea. Timing is important.

[sandstoneD]

Thank you so much for this information and your response.  There are so many bizarre aspects to this relationship.  He recently gave me access to HIS facebook account so I could delete any pictures of his ex that made me uncomfortable.  Well since this latest fiasco on his birthday - I see these pictures of his ex back up on his account including one of this girl I told him I don't want any pictures up of and he agreed!  This past weekend I was with him and his extended family and I brought my daughter.  He STILL refused to call me his girlfriend and does not understand why it bothers me. He wants to take me away this weekend and always wants me to travel with him, but he still says we are dating.  I feel like my relationship with him is a game and not sure how much of this I can take.

ANY help with why this man needs to play this cat and mouse game with me would be appreciated.