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Circular

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« on: May 21, 2017, 11:07:05 AM »

Hi all,

Where to start? Trying to stay anonymous so as to not give out too many details. I've been in a relationship for 3+ years with someone who after reading various books I feel may be BPD, or at least exhibiting traits as such. I've been secretly reading several books in anger management, blame and most recently on how to deal with someone with BPD.

I'm going to guess this story has been told many times, but it feels like there's a lot of different things going on at once. I'm terrible at dealing with emotions and I absolutely hate conflict which is part of the reason (after reading) that things have deteriorated.

I'm in my early 40s, divorced, father of two great kids (between 6-8 yrs old). My partner is significantly younger than me. 10-11 years.

I met my partner online while married. I entered into a emotional relationship with her. Part of the shame and guilt I carry around is that I feel I betrayed my family. However, my relationship with my ex was more of a business than a marriage. We had nothing in common, did everything separately. Our romantic life was nearly nil (I joke that I have two kids and probably had sex that many times in the relationship). Part of the shame I feel is that I wasn't attracted to my wife, and was afraid to tell her that for fear of hurting her feelings. I also feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough while in the relationship to repair or work on it.With that said, my gf is not my excuse for leaving. I feel like me and my wife were better off as friends. While we didn't share anything intimately, we rarely argued and never raised our voices or disrespected each other.

About six months after I separated (2013-2014) I physically met the person I was taking with online. She never forced me to get divorced or anything like that. I felt like we had so much in common, connected on so many levels. After a year of seeing her once a month or so we decided that she would move Galway a cross the country and live with me.

At the start of it, things were going really well. However I saw some warning signs early on, but wrote them off as my fault because of the situation I created. She was possessive, always wondering where I was. If I didn't come back to my apt and skype with her, she'd get jealous and call and text. We couldn't go more than an hour without communicating thru text what was going on. The more we lived together the more clingy I felt like she was getting. Eventually I said that I wanted some personal space and time. She took it as an affront. Just one of many. Over the last two years the cycle has been the same. We have said some of the nastiest stuff to one another. I've been called a bad father, fat, lazy. She's wished I was dead, etc etc. at these attacks I get defensive and retaliate because what she says to me is so hurtful. At that point she turns the victim and then it's my fault and i should apologize for being so mean. Half the time I dunno what even hits me before we are in the middle of an argument.

This of course sends me into hiding. I don't communicate with her, I avoid her, I hide out. Eventually she will break the ice act like nothing happened and we go right back to the cycle. I've tried to pinpoint the cycle start and triggers and i realize that one of the major ones is right before I get kids for the weekend (I have joint custody and see them every other weekend). This usually starts a weekend long bout of attacks and grief. I've tried setting a limit and telling her that her yelling at me and abusing me in front of my kids is not going to be tolerated, so while she has sometimes raised her voice or said stuff with them there her next step is just text me all the nasty stuff she wants to saY to me.

I understand where this comes from, I think I always have. I cheated on my wife by having an emotional relationship with her, so why wouldn't I just do the same to her. That plays on her sense of abandonment and the cycle starts, but a) I can't break the cycle and b) I can't undo the past and the mistakes I've made. I feel terrible for it enough.

I just feel hopeless. I feel if things don't improve it's going to start impacting the kids and I know it's already affecting me.

Anyway, there's so much more to the story and I'm sure I've missed large parts of it. I just want happiness. I want my kids to be raised properly. I feel like I'm waking on eggshells and it's no way to live.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2017, 03:13:39 PM »

Hi Circular, 

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. You're right, our stories are mostly all similar but this is your story, it's your discussion and we're here to listen. I can relate with feelings of shame, I agree with you what's in the past is in the past, we learn from our experiences and we move forward. Have you talked to a T ( therapist) about the emotional affair, talking to a T that synchronizes with you can do wonders. 

This forum is a place where you can share your feelings without being judged or invalidated for them. BPD traits / acting out are exasperated during stressful periods, you'll probably see a pattern if you look closely, she probably feels stressed before the kids are with you. Does she feel out of place with kids?
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Circular

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2017, 06:58:44 PM »

Thanks mutt.

She does fine around kids. She even used to do really well around mine in the beginning. Now it's probably been over a year since she did anything with me and the kids despite me always inviting her.

As for myself. Yes I've seen a T or two. I'm on the road to fixing my own issues, the problem is my gf and I.

Just today I got berated and abused because I used something in the fridge and we were out. When I told her I honestly didn't know I had used the last of it , I got called a liar and told I was making excuses. (Whenever I'm out of something and I see it I put it on a shopping list). She acted as if I did it purposefully then lied about it. I don't even know how to approach her anymore.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2017, 07:08:56 PM »

Are you going through a rough patch? Is there a lot of conflict?
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Circular

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2017, 08:14:33 PM »

Last year has been one. I'm constantly under attack.
The cycle goes like this: she attacks me, it escalates to her calling me some nasty vicious name, I tell her once she calls me names or disrespects me that I'm not interested in speaking with her again. Then a day or so passes and I'm attacked again for not approaching her, for being a terrible communicator, etc. at which point it escalates until she calls me something nasty or says something nasty about my kids. Lately she's been on a kick that I haven't grown up and am acting like a child (despite it being her to resorts to yelling and name calling)
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Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2017, 08:41:28 PM »

I ask because it sounds like she's dysregulated, I completely understand how hard it is day to day when you're party is not trying to settle things or problem solve. I've been split from my ex for a little while but I am very familiar with conflict. In a nutshell, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder where the person can't regulate or self sooth, it takes a pwBPD much longer to return to emotional baseline. 

I'm not suggesting that you're retaliating, my advice is to not make things worse,it takes two, she'll probably try to bait you into a fight, don't bite. I understand that it's easier said than done, it takes commitment and work. I'll suggest a how to book, it gives you strategies when you're in a romantic r/s with a pwBPD.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

Read as much as you about BPD , it helps to understand the reason why she behaves the way that she does, there is a fundamental logic to the disorder, although it can feel like crazy making behaviors at times. It's something that your gf is the going through, remember that it's not personal. Reading about the disorder also helps to normalize it. You'll find the lessons and tools on the right side of the board.
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