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Author Topic: Should I keep my achievements to myself?  (Read 388 times)
HelenaHandbasket
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« on: May 21, 2017, 12:23:11 PM »

My uBPD sister in law has very low self-esteem (though you'd never know it to interact with her--she's high functioning), and according to my brother she is intimidated by me and threatened by my closeness with him. He says she is intimidated by the fact that I have a graduate degree and a fairly prestigious job (SIL has a lot of issues about the fact that she dropped out of college to have her first child, and isn't currently working b/c she stays home with the kids). He says she tends to be intimidated by smart people in general b/c she's insecure about her lack of a college education (despite the fact that she is clearly very intelligent herself). I've tried hard to fix this by asking her opinions on things, asking her for advice sometimes, and inviting her to be part of conversations about current events, etc. I've never been anything but kind to her, I promise. But she has still managed to take offense at things I've said on multiple occasions (sometimes I can tell by her reaction and sometimes my brother will tell me later--she never discusses her feelings with me directly).

Anyway, the latest turn this has taken is that she's apparently getting triggered by discussions about my (and other family members', including my brother's) achievements. I recently had a big success at work, and then I received an award. My brother brought both of these up recently at a family party we had to celebrate our sister's return from a military tour of duty, and we all had a very brief discussion about them, nothing big. After that, my brother turned the conversation to something my SIL had done recently that he was proud of her for. But apparently this led to a meltdown after the party, with my SIL talking about how we all make her feel bad about herself, etc. When my bro told me about this I felt torn between feeling bad that she felt bad, and feeling annoyed that she would take it that way, when none of this had anything to do with her at all.  I know it's classic BPD stuff, but geez. 

So now I'm wondering, should we just avoid discussing our achievements around my SIL? We are a pretty accomplished family, so this would take some doing.  But if you think it would be wise, we can certainly make that change.  My bro was already careful to bring up something good that my SIL achieved right after we discussed my successes, but it still led to a crisis.  What do you think?
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2017, 06:05:43 PM »

Hey HelenaHandbasket:
Congrats on having such an accomplished family!  Sorry about the dilemma with your SIL.  I don't think there is an easy answer.  You can't change your SIL.  pwBPD tend to be jealous and resentful of the accomplishments of others.

Perhaps a combination of various strategies can help minimize subjecting SIL to good news.  Your brother will be best served to just not share the good news that he hears outside of family gatherings. 

Hopefully there are events that SIL doesn't attend, is given a later arrival time to, or occasionally leaves earlier than others.  Also, best if SIL isn't deeply connected with Facebook and other social media that the family shares. 

My uBPD sister has a tendency to be jealous.  Through the years, I generally never shared good news with her directly. If she heard good news about me, it was generally via our parents.  Some good news, I never shared with anyone (i.e. a raise, a bonus, stock options, etc.). 

A similar topic was posted in January.  You might be interested in reading that thread at the link below:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304377.0

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HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2017, 06:49:13 PM »

Hi Naughty!  Thanks for the good advice.  I'll share it with my bro--he or my dad are generally the ones who bring this stuff up around my SIL (I'm not the type to "toot my own horn" anyway, and I'm always conscious of my  SIL's issues so I don't tend to bring up others' successes around her).  I think my brother's approach is usually to go ahead and bring up the good news, but then find something to praise my SIL about right afterward. A good strategy in theory, but in practice it doesn't seem to be working.

One frustrating thing about my SIL is that she has all these insecurities about not finishing college, not having much going on outside of being a mom, etc., but whenever my brother or anyone else suggests she take classes or get a job (she could easily do this--the children are in school and don't need her around all day), she finds every reason under the sun why it won't work or she doesn't want to do it. So on the one hand she complains about not having anything to take pride in, but on the other she's apparently unwilling to do anything about it. Learned helplessness? Stubbornness?  I don't know. It drives my brother crazy--he gets so exhausted trying to constantly build her up and fill her endless need for affirmation and approval.
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sisbpd

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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2017, 10:30:49 PM »

My sister has BPD, and I have experienced this several times over. For example, when I got engaged, I was not allowed to speak about my upcoming wedding around her or she threatened to kill herself. She dropped out of my wedding party and then when she finally opted back in (she saw at my cousin's wedding that the sister of the bride got to give a speech and be the center of attention), it was a waking nightmare. She had a panic attack trying on the dress, her boyfriend tried to kill himself the day of the shower (which she could have skipped, I would have understood- but instead she came in a tiny dress with her underwear literally showing and walked around out of it (likely on drugs) throughout the whole thing and in every picture. For my wedding week she broke up with said boyfriend, got together with his best friend and brought him (random guy in every picture), and then took ecstasy at my wedding and was totally out of it most of the night and needed tending to. She also decided to tell me that she absolutely would not do hair or makeup with the girls and that her friend was doing it and said friend flaked the morning of the wedding. Luckily my future aunt-in-law was a licensed hair dresser. She makes it to the house and my sister burnt out the curling iron days before but just didn't tell anyone. My hairdresser took pity on us and just did her hair, refusing to charge for it. However, all day long, it was all about her, her issues, what she looked like, and what she needed.

Here's my advice. I would not downplay yourself to serve her. I also wouldn't trumpet yourself (as it could be triggering). With all that being said, I hold my sister accountable (now that I have set boundaries) to behave in a reasonable manner when others have accomplishments or a day is not about her. If she doesn't, she is aware that I will absolutely call and Uber and she can choose to get in and leave before she makes a scene or the police will escort her out. However, after several holidays, weddings, etc culminating in her on drugs making a scene, getting alcohol poisoning and vomiting red wine all over my entire bathroom including the ceiling and almost not making it, and just generally making a scene, that it won't be tolerated.

If it is just a self-esteem issue, I find it helps to tell the other person how proud you are (periodically) of their accomplishments- taking good care of her children for example. I definitely support and praise my sister when she makes good choices. However, she knows that she gets a lot more mileage out of the bad ones- which is why I end the situation swiftly to reinforce that we will not play into her hand.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2017, 11:25:07 PM »

Hi again HelenaHandbasket:   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Quote from: HelenaHandbasket
One frustrating thing about my SIL is that she has all these insecurities about not finishing college, not having much going on outside of being a mom, etc., but whenever my brother or anyone else suggests she take classes or get a job (she could easily do this--the children are in school and don't need her around all day), she finds every reason under the sun why it won't work or she doesn't want to do it.     

Is your SIL getting any treatment for BPD, anxiety and/or depression?  (on meds and/or getting therapy)

Did she quit college, after she met your brother or did she have a job at that time?
Does she seem to deal with the children and maintaining the home okay? 

I'm thinking she is afraid of failure.  She may want to be accomplished and gain praise, but not accomplishing is likely better than failure for her.  What was her reason for quitting college?  Could it have been because of anxiety and/or depression?

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HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2017, 01:23:09 PM »

Hi again Naughty!  Good questions, all.  My SIL dropped out of college before she met my brother--she has children from a previous marriage and she dropped out to have them with her ex.  When she met my bro she told him a LOT of stuff that he later found out was untrue (lying is a big problem for her). For example, she said she couldn't have any more children. Imagine my brother's surprise when she announced she was pregnant (of course he adores his little boy, so he has no regrets on that score--but she led him to believe she was sterile and therefore they didn't use any birth control, so she basically tricked him into having a child with her). She presented herself as a very together, entrepreneurial person--she was a private personal trainer and said she planned to open her own studio. Her parents are well to do and would certainly help her finance all this if she wanted them to. Once she and my brother got together, though, all that fell apart and now she doesn't work at all or seem to have any desire to do so. She also told him she'd had multiple health problems that it turns out she never had.

She is a good mom when she's doing well--a very good mom, I'd say.  But lately, she's been drinking a lot, and she seems to be almost afraid of being sober.  My bro is trying to get her into alcohol treatment but she is VERY resistant. I think it's b/c of her pride--she can't bear the thought of anyone knowing she has a problem.  She would freak out if she knew that *I* knew, but my brother has to have someone to talk to about all this, and that's me.  My brother and her parents are taking steps to make sure the kids are safe--she's never left home alone with them. She does have a therapist and is on some meds.  She only started them recently, so we are hoping that will help. We have no idea what she's told the therapist. She's VERY good at putting on a happy, normal face and we worry that her therapist has no idea how deep the problems go.

She does have a history of depression.  She doesn't have a BPD diagnosis (yet). 
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2017, 01:12:24 PM »

Hi HelenaHandbasket:    Smiling (click to insert in post)

Quote from: HelenaHandbasket
She does have a history of depression.  She doesn't have a BPD diagnosis (yet) 
Don't worry about whether she ever gets a diagnosis of BPD.  Lots of people with BPD traits get various diagnoses over the years.  Best to focus on the individual traits that are exhibited.  People without anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses can have a BPD trait or two (at least periodically).  Just an opinion, but I tend to think that people with anxiety and/or depression (and other mental illnesses) tend to display more BPD traits than people who are considered normal people.  I think that those who don't successfully manage their mental condition, can easily acquire BPD traits over time that can eventually qualify them to wear the BPD label. 

Quote from: HelenaHandbasket
She does have a therapist and is on some meds.  She only started them recently, so we are hoping that will help.
It's encouraging that she is seeking help.  Meds take some time to kick in.  Generally at least 4 weeks to start to gain a benefit.  The dosage may be increased over time, to reach a optimum level. 

Meds can help her with depression/anxiety.  Once the depression is treated, it will likely be easier for her to respond to therapy and coping skills (and hopefully a reduction in BPD traits/behaviors). It can be a trial and error situation to find a med that works for an individual.  Then, there are side effects, that can cause people to stop taking meds.  There have been a few posts recently about getting a test to determine your sensitivity to various types of meds and find ones that are best suited to your condition and  genetic makeup. Medicines that align well with your genes may work better with fewer side effects.

Quote from: HelenaHandbasket
When she met my bro she told him a LOT of stuff that he later found out was untrue (lying is a big problem for her).   
  I caught my sister in some lies.  The last thing you would expect from a person who is so active in her church. Some level of occasional lies can be less disturbing.  Other lies, can be rather disturbing and cause you to never trust a person.

Quote from: HelenaHandbasket
She also told him she'd had multiple health problems that it turns out she never had.   
Many people with BPD or BPD traits seem to hyperfocus on health issues.  There can be some real health issues, but things can get dramatized/exaggerated and they can tend to think they have more issues than they actually have.  Part of it is seeking attention and sympathy from others.

You might find the article at the link below enlightening:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

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