Sunday Evening Blues

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's now 7 weeks tomorrow since I walked away from my uBPDex married lover and I've just hit a bit of a brick wall tonight. I have had a good weekend, keeping myself busy, going to see bands, talking about things, trying to distract myself away from the pain and to feel it when it comes.

However, it has just hit me that all of the talking in the world doesn't compensate for losing the physical presence of this woman. However much I talk about how she did this, that or the other to me, the fact is she was a huge part of my life, particularly in the last five years.

I am in an unhappy marriage and I do not think I can patch things up with my wife. I am not going to take any drastic action but I feel like going on a long journey somewhere and staying there.

Anybody else feel that way?

[RomanticFool]

So it's now 7 weeks tomorrow since I walked away from my uBPDex married lover and I've just hit a bit of a brick wall tonight. I have had a good weekend, keeping myself busy, going to see bands, talking about things, trying to distract myself away from the pain and to feel it when it comes.

However, it has just hit me that all of the talking in the world doesn't compensate for losing the physical presence of this woman. However much I talk about how she did this, that or the other to me, the fact is she was a huge part of my life, particularly in the last five years.

I am in an unhappy marriage and I do not think I can patch things up with my wife. I am not going to take any drastic action but I feel like going on a long journey somewhere and staying there.

Anybody else feel that way?

[Icefog]

I have felt this way many times. I live in a fairly small community and also work peripherally with my ex BPD partner. I have had regular anxiety since she abruptly left. I see her daily in passing and often just wish I could move away or as you say go on a long journey. I don't get anxiety regularly anymore and it took about 2 months for is to go away. It took a lot of head work. What worked for me is knowing she is a unhealthy, sad human being whose life is not one I wanted to be part of desperate not being able to leave. I still have a lot of sadness, loneliness and anger and it's part of the process. This board and people's comments and suggestions had made a world of difference. I am continually amazed at the similar experiences. As one helpful person on here put it I think I just miss the "idea" of her and not the reality.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Icefog,

I was doing really well until tonight. The pain and emotional discomfort were beginning to lift and then BAM it hit me. No physical love anymore, no matter how fleeting. That part of it is sad and difficult to reconcile myself to.

It's probably true that I miss the idea of her too. She was a very compelling woman of great beauty... You go a long way to meet somebody like that. That's why I put up with all the bullsh*t for so long.

[Harley Quinn]

Almost sold my house and ran away with the equity as far as it would take me so you're not alone in that feeling RF.  I've often felt the need to 'escape' throughout my life, and since starting my mindfulness refresher course I've felt that way less... .The SSRI's have no doubt helped too... .However I'm sure these moments will still arise on this journey.  Hang in there friend. 

Whenever the physical aspect of the relationship is raised on here, I can empathise as I'll readily admit that I am an addict in that respect and unfortunately for me with my exBPDbf it was better than ever before.  We seemed to have such a connection and the passion between us was electric.  For me, as shallow as this may sound, that loss is the hardest to bear.  It was truly special.  Then I remind myself of the film entitled 'sleeping with the enemy' and although this man wasn't my enemy he really was BAD for me, so even though our physical love was so amazing and I crave it so much, I know I'm going to have to find a way to self soothe that takes me out of that place.  So far distraction has been one way of coping through it as it's very hard to sit with.   

I've done so much soul searching and I am due to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis of whichever personality/mood disorder my traits fit into, then ideally some more intensive work than just my counselling.  If I can get to the heart of my own issues, then I can reduce some of this suffering.  Bring it on!  Until then I plan to be kind to myself and indulge in favourite foods, films, music, pastimes and company to keep myself focused on anything but being close with him and trust that this longing lessens.  If we can get through this we can get through anything! 

Sometimes I visualise him with someone else being the way we were in the beginning.  All the charm, fun, interest, conversation etc.  I'm not sure I can yet name the feeling I get when I think of this.  It's a mixture of feeling betrayed, disrespected, used, angry, disappointed, foolish and sort of ... .resigned to it through knowing what I know now.  The last part kind of takes the weight out of it... . 

Love and light x         

[Rayban]

RF

Detaching from a BPD relationship is a life changing experience.  I can't imagine what it must be like while being married to another woman. Women are extremely intuitive, and your wife surely knows that your heart is elsewhere.  You're intentions might be well meaning, but her feminin 6th sense knows there is another woman in the picture.

You are at a cross road, and out of respect for your wife, don't let this drag on if neither of you are happy.

Then there is the fact that she is also married. How would you feel if some other man is involved with your wife?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harley,

Thanks for your response. It is lovely to read.

Almost sold my house and ran away with the equity as far as it would take me so you're not alone in that feeling RF.  I've often felt the need to 'escape' throughout my life, and since starting my mindfulness refresher course I've felt that way less... .The SSRI's have no doubt helped too... .However I'm sure these moments will still arise on this journey.  Hang in there friend.  

I often feel like running away at the best of times. I have the sort of career that allows me to travel and I've done alot of coming and going to America and Canada over the last few years. Wish I had a gig over there now! Having said that I am going to Vegas for the coming weekend so that should be some escapism.

Whenever the physical aspect of the relationship is raised on here, I can empathise as I'll readily admit that I am an addict in that respect and unfortunately for me with my exBPDbf it was better than ever before.  We seemed to have such a connection and the passion between us was electric.  For me, as shallow as this may sound, that loss is the hardest to bear.  It was truly special.  Then I remind myself of the film entitled 'sleeping with the enemy' and although this man wasn't my enemy he really was BAD for me, so even though our physical love was so amazing and I crave it so much, I know I'm going to have to find a way to self soothe that takes me out of that place.  So far distraction has been one way of coping through it as it's very hard to sit with.

I have issues around addiction in this area. As we know co-dependency is also an addiction. In times of pain I sexualise everything and I have to careful because that can be as destructive as anything. Like you, sex with my exBPD married lover was kind of off the charts for me. It doesn't sound shallow at all and if I'm honest the sex is the main thing I miss also. The loss of it is very difficult to bear. Towards the end we spoke so little that I felt like I hardly knew her.

I've done so much soul searching and I am due to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis of whichever personality/mood disorder my traits fit into, then ideally some more intensive work than just my counselling.  If I can get to the heart of my own issues, then I can reduce some of this suffering.  Bring it on!  Until then I plan to be kind to myself and indulge in favourite foods, films, music, pastimes and company to keep myself focused on anything but being close with him and trust that this longing lessens.  If we can get through this we can get through anything!  

As agent Cooper from Twin Peaks says, "Give yourself a present every day!' I use cinema to escape from the world as I have seen just about every film out at the moment. I also play piano and this soothes me. It really is important to look after yourself at times like this.

Sometimes I visualise him with someone else being the way we were in the beginning.  All the charm, fun, interest, conversation etc.  I'm not sure I can yet name the feeling I get when I think of this.  It's a mixture of feeling betrayed, disrespected, used, angry, disappointed, foolish and sort of ... .resigned to it through knowing what I know now.  The last part kind of takes the weight out of it... . 

The thing is with a borderline, the minute they are rumbled ie they realise that we know what they are about, they tend to flee. So as much jealousy, hurt, anger, disappointment and betrayal as I feel, the overriding feeling I have is relief... .I never knew if she was cheating on me. The fact that she slept with her husband felt like a betrayal, especially when my marriage has been sexless for 8 years and we sleep in separate rooms. That was hard to bear. My main feeling is relief that it's all over and I don't have to feel crap anymore.

Thanks for sharing.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Rayban,




My wife has no clue. If she did we would be divorced. When the affair was at its height, I almost wished I would be discovered. Had there been a future with the ex I would have ended my marriage.

If she has a 6th sense she's been hiding it well. I suffer from depression anyway which she is used to.

When you say 'don't let this drag on,' surely it would be better to focus on recovering from this affair first so I can sort out how I feel. I don't know how I feel about anything at the moment. I'm kind of dazed.

I don't think it is possible for us to repair our sex life, it has been too long.

I would be delighted if she has somebody else. The thought of her going without sex for 8 years pains me greatly. I truly hope she is seeing someone.

Once I have recovered from the BPD r/s I intend to make a monumental decision one way or the other.

[Idsrvt2]

Same here, I'm feeling down today.  I used to want to just up and run... .I tried moving and couldn't find s place and I sure did try... .I was supposed to be out of the place I'm living in now but the situation changed and now I'm still here.

That is why I got involved with my x as I thought I wouldn't be on his route ... .I am ... I give him credit though as impulsive as he is he really has to block outs, m, my car and home daily.   

I no longer think about running away ... I just wish my x and I could have just ended it as friends... .I really miss him, how he understood the physical part of me... .but he knew he needed help and is in therapy as he stopped feeling joy and connections ... .
Despite him getting a protection order... .if he showed me he has changed enough I would be open to a friendship of some sort... .I was under tons of stress during the relationship and I reacted a lot to him... .
I think many of us wish things were different

[RomanticFool]

Hi  Idsrvt2,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling down too. It is very difficult when trying to detach as we have this strength of emotion that we just don't know what to do with.

It's good that your ex is getting the help he needs.

I often think of being friends with my ex but it just wouldn't work. The feelings I have were not about friendship they were sexual.

I think you would have to be a saint not to react to a borderline. The intense selfishness would try anybody's patience. Don't beat yourself up about that. You did the best you could at the time.

[GuySmiley]

Losing different parts of the relationship hit us at different times. It's not just a one and done kind of thing.

One day it's the emotional loss. One day it's the physical. One day it's the romantic, then the dream of the future, then the feeling of completeness they give us. All at different times, all coming at random.

I miss my ex in all of those ways and more, and there's no defence to the random nature of them landing in my brain.

I'm hooking up with a really casual ex flame tomorrow and she's up for some fun, but truth be told I've no desire whatsoever to get physical with anyone but my BPDx and the thought of being physical with someone else just heightens my desire for BPDx. So it's not just purely physical contact I miss, it's being physical with her in particular.

It's a killer, because about 3am this morning it was something else about her I missed.

And it'll be something else at 3am tomorrow morning.

[Insom]

FWIW, whenever you talk about your wife you sound real and whole to me even though your relationship with her is foundering.

[RomanticFool]

What do you mean, real and whole?

[GuySmiley]

FWIW, whenever you talk about your wife you sound real and whole to me even though your relationship with her is foundering.

Doesn't to me. He sounds like a guy who's doing his best to convince himself he still wants to be with his wife because that's the right thing to do, while in reality his heart is screaming for this other woman.

Just my take on it.

[RomanticFool]

Very astute GuySmiley. The screaming for the other woman is getting less and less. Depression is setting in due to the loss of a fantasy and the loss of passion.

My wife has very little to do with all of that.

[GuySmiley]

You don't think it's time to stop living a lie and make plans to move on from your marriage? You'll hurt your wife for certain, but you'll be doing the pair of you a real favour in the long run.

I wasn't married but engaged with the relationship breaking down over a couple of years when my BPD got back in touch. I pretty much packed my bags that night and left. I couldn't live in what suddenly felt very much like a cage. I hurt my fiancé beyond words but I couldn't deny what I felt inside and what I had been missing for all those years.

Maybe marriage is different, but if there are no kids why stick around? Sometime that just don't work out and if yours is lacking in sex (like mine was - zero sex for the whole of he relationship) then you're more than justified to jump ship. Sounds like you want to keep it going to keep from hurting her just like I was. You're doing yourself no favours, just torturing yourself.

[RomanticFool]

I don't feel like right this minute is the time to make such a momentus decision. I need to recover from the devastation of the end of the r/s with the exBPD.

I think the r/s will end because as you say one cannot go through life with no intimacy. However, I feel battered at the moment and I don't have the strength right this second to look at her devastated face. I also want to talk to my wife about why we aren't having sex. I may find out something I didn't know.

It was brave of you to walk away from your fiance. How do you feel about things now?

[Insom]

Well, perhaps the word "whole" was a miss, but what I meant by "real" was relatable.  When you talk about your wife it sounds to me like you're talking about something real and relatable to other people, whereas when you talk about your BPD-ex lover it sounds fantastic, as in fantasy-like, like someone relating a dream.

I sort of remember an experience like this when I was breaking away from my BPD-ex.  When I did finally reach out to others for advice and support I remember feeling a disconnect, like the people I was sharing information with were having a very hard time relating to what I was going through.  I understand that these relationships are emotionally intense and can be hard to understand if you haven't been through one.  On the other hand, for me at least, there was a mirage-like quality to my relationship with BPD-ex.  It felt very emotional, and there was a lot of emotional communication that happened between the two of us, but in retrospect, I remember it feeling unreal a lot of the time. 

[Insom]

Well, perhaps the word "whole" was a miss, but what I meant by "real" was relatable.  When you talk about your wife it sounds to me like you're talking about something real and relatable to other people, whereas when you talk about your BPD-ex lover it sounds fantastic, as in fantasy-like, like someone relating a dream.

I sort of remember an experience like this when I was breaking away from my BPD-ex.  When I did finally reach out to others for advice and support I remember feeling a disconnect, like the people I was sharing information with were having a very hard time relating to what I was going through.  I understand that these relationships are emotionally intense and can be hard to understand if you haven't been through one.  On the other hand, for me at least, there was a mirage-like quality to my relationship with BPD-ex.  It felt very emotional, and there was a lot of emotional communication that happened between the two of us, but in retrospect, I remember it feeling unreal a lot of the time. 

[RomanticFool]

Insom, I totally agree with you. It was like walking through a David Lynch nightmare. In fact she could easily be one of his beautiful femme fatales.

It wasn't real. The whole world we inhabited was her construct. I really know nothing certain about the woman. Everything I know about her is what she told me and I know not to trust her. She is like an enigmatic ghost.

The situation with my wife is all too real and that is precisely what I was escaping from. Especially the lack of intimacy. That's why I miss the BPD so much. What we did have was intense for me. I don't think it ever was for her. I feel liked I've been tricked. I said that to her on a number of occasions when she backed off.

[KtotheK]

Losing different parts of the relationship hit us at different times. It's not just a one and done kind of thing.

One day it's the emotional loss. One day it's the physical. One day it's the romantic, then the dream of the future, then the feeling of completeness they give us. All at different times, all coming at random.

I miss my ex in all of those ways and more, and there's no defence to the random nature of them landing in my brain

This is so true! I really really wished I could be more angry but anger thoughts very rarely enter my mind or thought process . And just like so many of us, I have been so hurt and I really should absolutely hate my ex. But the reality is, I don't and I'm sure that's the same for many of us. I wished I did as it might make this easier, rather than the longing, missing and feeling sad and agonising over how long the replacement will last and if they have found in them all that you are not, despite being told that you are EVERYTHING to them. That I still struggle to make sense of and cannot understand. Questioning did I ever mean anything at all

[In a bad way]

   This is so true! I really really wished I could be more angry but anger thoughts very rarely enter my mind or thought process . And just like so many of us, I have been so hurt and I really should absolutely hate my ex. But the reality is, I don't and I'm sure that's the same for many of us. I wished I did as it might make this easier, rather than the longing, missing and feeling sad and agonising over how long the replacement will last and if they have found in them all that you are not, despite being told that you are EVERYTHING to them. That I still struggle to make sense of and cannot understand. Questioning did I ever mean anything at all               

That's exactly how I feel.
Every now and then for a minute or two I think to myself she is just a stupid crazy woman who ruined everything we had and bol****s to her.
But then I'm back to the empty sad lonely feeling without hate.
Hate would be good in a way, it might be easier to get her out of my head.

[RomanticFool]

Inabadway,

Take heart my friend, the pain will ease. Time heals everything. Just look after yourself in the meantime. Remember, she is not responsible for your happiness, you are. The thing about a BPD is that they are true to their pathology. I know before I broke up with mine I didn't want to believe she was a liar, but there must just too much evidence.

It's that thing about not listening to what they say but taking notice of what they do. Everything my ex did screamed BPD all over it. She paid a fortune in rehab costs and on one of her first days out, I witnessed her give a £20 note to a crackhead. When I pointed out to her that the woman was a drug addict, she shrugged and said, 'She needs it more than I do.' We are powerless over logic of that nature.

In the end, you have had a lucky escape. You just don't know it yet.

[In a bad way]

     In the end, you have had a lucky escape. You just don't know it yet.       

That's what my friends say, and my logical part of my brain agrees. The things I put up with from her complete irrational behaviour and verbal abuse.
Also her kids and their dad (who I never met (the dad), the crap they put her through and me and her inability to sort them out, it wasn't my place and I wasn't allowed to help her.
She took all her frustrations of it all, and work, out on me.
It was like she was their puppet and I was hers, I was a verbal punching bag.
I don't miss that but I miss the good times and the good her, but like you said her actions didn't live up to her words, in fact she usually ended up doing the opposite or keep moving the goalposts. Or doing what she said only to backtrack after a day or two.
It's a long story.