Advice on communication with BPD sibling

[mirabell23]

Hi
I have an adult sibling who is constantly volatile, exhibits many symptoms of BPD and I suspect is suffering from it although there is no clinical diagnosis. She fails to acknowledge any flaws in her personality (and lets face it we all have some) nor take any responsibility for her actions, blaming everyone else for her unhappiness.

After years of walking on egg shells and avoiding confrontation for fear of her reaction, the situation continued and began to get worse last year with more frequent outbursts, hanging up phone calls and storming out when something sets her off. At the end of last year I'd had enough so I sent a letter laying out some boundaries and my feelings.
This must have sent her over the edge with anger as since she's been bad mouthing me to all and sundry, closing me out of any communication, social media and forbidding me to have any contact with her kids (who I have previously been close to) as apparently I am toxic. I only know what she has been saying from a family member who was abused when she let me have a phone call with the kids. She hasn't responded to the letter and never responds to sms or phone calls.

I am most concerned about having no access to the kids and wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and how they went about communicating with someone like this? Unfortunately her husband enables her behaviour and is fearful of her temper so thats not really a route (I have tried) and my other family understandably are reticent to get involved for fear of not being able to see the kids as well. She has alienated friends and contacts before for several years at a time (or indefinitely) but until this never done it to family as everyone just treads on eggshells. I don't expect our relationship to be healed for a long time and especially if she doesn't acknowledge she needs help but not having access to the kids is potentially devastating.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mutt]

Hi mirabell23, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time with your older sibling, you're right that BPD traits are ongoing rigid thought patterns. We can't diagnose someone, only a professional can do that, but what we can look at are BPD traits.

I'd have to agree with your family members that don't involved, they're staying away from the drama. I'm not saying that it's drama between your sibling and you but BPD is a cluster B personality disorder, the dramatic cluster. Read as much as you can about the disorder, there's a reason why a pwBPD act the way that they do. From what you're describing with the long gaps or indefinite gaps of non communication and avoidance is splitting. A pwBPD can't see the grey area in people, or they have a difficult time with it, you're either all bad or all good.

We can't tell how long we're split for, i've read some members posts where they were split black for a week, several weeks, a mont, several months to years and even decade. A pwBPD can't control it and we can't either, I'd suggest to not trigger shame, I try to not ask questions where it would have my uBPDxw self reflect, because like you said it triggers stress and she'll project, I try to minimize chances of being split black. I used to call her out on things and it just wasn't good. Also like you said, we all have faults and I'd argue with her probably because of my ego, I had to let go of that ego.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[mirabell23]

Hi Mutt
Thanks so much for your response and the info on splitting is something I wasn't aware of and yes this is exactly how she deals with stressful situations.
Its not being split from her so much as the children but Im assuming that if she sees everything as black and white, good and bad then until she changes her mind it doesn't look like she'll change with any rational prompting as from what you are saying this is likely to cause more confrontation. Im not keen on just towing the line and letting her continue to treat myself and others the same way as we have done for decades, (perhaps Im too attached to my ego) are you saying that you now just accept the BPD person as they are rather than any interventions etc?
 

[Highlander]

Hi Mirabell23,

Welcome to bpdfamily.

I can really feel for you and have been in a similar circumstance myself.  My SIL exhibited enough BPD traits that although unable to prove it, my husband and I were convinced that like my husband, who had been clinically diagnosed with BPD, his sister had it too.

The biggest question was, how could we try and promote a healthy enough relationship with her so that no major catastrophes occurred that led to her blocking us off from her children. 

For us, we noticed that negative events occurred generally when she had been drinking alcohol.

We structured a letter to her telling her we really wished to see her but considering that my husband had just been diagnosed with BPD and it was life threatening for him at the time, she could come and visit us in our home but she must respect that our home was alcohol free.  For further insurance, we limited her stays to 2 nights only so that tensions couldn't flare from being around each other too much.

There were a number of white lies attached to the letter, purely for the sake of not being able to outright say “we think you have BPD and don't want to drink around you” or even a lighter approach such as that my husband's therapists had informed us that we should avoid her whilst drinking (as well as my husbands parents – long story of family dysfunction) and that we were creating boundaries to avoid her abuse.  Again impossible without an unnecessary explosion.

The white lies were minor such as my husband did drink alcohol at home and around his friends and my family but we lived far enough away for anyone to catch us out.  We also never visited her  because we could not dictate to her that she couldn't drink in her own home.

As it turned out we were glad we did send that letter.  My SIL visited us with the children a number of times and as there was no alcohol, we all had fabulous times with her and the children before she passed last year at age 35.  We are glad we had that time with her.

That is my story and may not be all that relevant to yourself but I guess I can say that we were able to sit down with my husbands therapists and recognise his sisters triggers were alcohol.  Taking that out of the equation ensured that we had as healthy as a relationship with her as was possible.

Just wondering if you have noticed any triggers in your sister that maybe you could avoid too?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey mirabell23:  
Welcome to the Community!

I'm so sorry about your situation with your sister.  Your sister's behavior sounds very similar to my sister's.  My specific situation and chain of events is probably a bit unusual and extreme (almost like the perfect storm).  Things deteriorated so badly, that we are currently in no contact "NC".  The only way I can see forward is that at some point in the future, I may approach her and suggest that we try joint sessions with a therapist. So much happened, I just can't put it behind me without talking through some of the worst issues.

After years of walking on egg shells and avoiding confrontation for fear of her reaction, the situation continued and began to get worse last year with more frequent outbursts, hanging up phone calls and storming out when something sets her off. At the end of last year I'd had enough so I sent a letter laying out some boundaries and my feelings.
This must have sent her over the edge with anger as since she's been bad mouthing me   

My sister painted me black and did the exact same things. I, also, was somewhat distant with my sister and avoided conflicts with her for many years.  Thankfully, we mostly interacted at family gatherings, and a couple of social occasions during the year.  Then, came the death of our parents. 

Our parent's failing health, joint hospitalizations and subsequent deaths (within 4 months of each other), threw us together in the worst way possible. My sister started the process of painting me black, when we started to work together to discuss mobility aids for our parent's home.  My parents always wanted to be fair and treat us both the same, so we were "co" on everything:  medical POA's, financial POA's and then co-trustees on our parent's trust.  It was hell to work with my sister, from the moment we started to discuss mobility aid for our parent's home.  Unfortunately, things progressed to having to make medical decisions for both parents (hospitalized at the same time), financial decisions, funeral plans, sale of our parent's home and then trust and estate matters.

I could write on for pages and pages, but I don't want to hijack your thread.  If my sister hadn't acquired a lawyer to try and intimidate me with demand letters, relative to us being co-trustees on our parent's trust, we might have eventually reconciled to the point of limited contact. 

Everyone has a little different situation.  Some things are easier to forget and move on from, others are not.  During a time when I could have used a supportive sister, I got: painted black, subjected to projection, silent treatment, called names, raged at, degraded to her church friends, lied to.

I was with my father, when he fell and broke his neck.  According to my sister, it was my fault.  She even later accused me of causing the fall and/or possibly hitting our father (because he got some facial bruises by hitting something during the fall - his walker, a chair handle, etc.).  I've never hit anyone in my life, but my sister has and she is the one with the raging temper. 

In my case, our parents are both deceased, so I don't have to worry about pretending that nothing happened for their sake.  One approach, won't fit everyone. Like others, for lesser situations, I've sucked it up and moved forward, as if nothing happened.  But history repeats, and there you are, once again - nothing changed.

At some point, I may send my sister a letter and suggest joint therapy, to try and reach some level of reconciliation.  I'm not at that point yet.  Some issues have to be discussed.  She has to be willing to talk through some things and to work on things. 

There are a lot of great communication skills here that can be very helpful.  But when you are painted black, it can be hard to break the code.

[mirabell23]

Thanks very much for your replies Highlander and Naughty Nibbler
It fantastic to hear you were able to manage the relationship with your SIL especially as she has now passed, how sad.
Great advice to understand if there are any triggers that set her off. I will look into this (if she ever speaks to me again!)
Off the top of my mind I can't think of anything specific. It seems to occur when she feels slighted and threatened. The problem with this is it causes the eggshells problem, whereby I am unable to say anything that might be perceived as critical or taken personally as she is likely to fly off the handle. The relationship is mostly over the phone as we live in different states but the same thing still occurs when we are in person.

Naughty Nibbler, you situation sounds horrible and I can totally identify. Sorry to hear about the loss of your parents and I pray your sister will somehow magically will the some light and stop blaming you.

I am willing to liaise with my sister even if only to reinstate access to the kids again. She's got a long way to go to even acknowledge that she's responsible for her own behaviour and its beyond frustrating being painted black. I thought about joint counselling too but then this problem is hers, she has the same issues with others and Im not sure what it would achieve, although Id definitely be happy to try it.
I'll check out the communication tools you suggest and see where I get to.

[sisbpd]

Hi there,

My biggest nightmare is my BPD sibling ever having children. I am terrified of it, because I am very well aware of the type of parenting that would go on. That being said, there is definitely a continuum of BPD and I know some BPD people who have the best of intentions and would try hard to parent well. However, my first question to you is: do you have any concerns about the welfare of your nieces and nephews?

If you do, that is going to change your reaction to this situation. In that case, you are able to call and anonymously report her to your local child services dept. It is very hard to make a case for emotional abuse and school professionals will often not know about it happening in the home.

Second, I find that I give a little cooling off period, and then I call my sibling. It may be good to offer to meet her in a neutral location (i.e. Dunkin Donuts). First, let her vent. I realize you are the one who has been subject to her issues over the years, but I think sometimes letting the person feel heard is the first step. It is also important that she knows that you want a relationship with her. This is not true of all BPD siblings- some do not want to keep the relationship alive. Then, you can present her with some of your requests. While you don't want to walk on eggshells, you may want to explain them to her with the idea that she is sensitive in mind.

If she is not willing to stick to these guidelines, perhaps she is willing to let you visit with your nieces and nephews at a neutral location, like your parents home? If not, do you have children? Could you perhaps tell her that your children still want an active relationship with hers?

It is important for her to be accountable and for you to have boundaries, but when children are involved (IMO) they trump everything.

[mirabell23]

Hi SisBPD
Thanks for your reply
No I don't have any grave concerns for the childrens welfare other than having to live in a household where their mother is so volatile. She is unable to control her temper and anger around them so unfortunately they are exposed to that and its not a great example to be setting but other than that they are well cared for.
I'll see what happens going forward but with the cooling off period, its been over 6 months now I have called a few times and continue to send photos of our kids but they are never acknowledged. Its like our family no longer exist to her and as I am the 'bad' one she doesn't permit her husband or kids to speak to me or anyone else. As far as continuing a relationship with her I would like to but not on the basis that it has been.
I agree the children trump everything and I've suggested meeting on mutual grounds but unfortunately I never get a response!