Wife with bod

[Bubba80]

Long term marriage.  Just getting in touch with this, still have questions abt diagnosis but am pretty sure this is it.  Need help and support

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What's going on Bubba80, and how can we help? How did you finally determine BPD?

[Bubba80]

We hv seen many counselors. Current one has worked with BPD clients and has administered tests. She has concluded that my wife has BPD. Also some other disorders. I have some difficulty believing my spouse has BPD.  I vacillate. One time l think yes that is it. Then, no it's not. Spouse is angry and rages if anyone hints or suggests she has BPD. Am out of house for 10 days at counselor suggestion. This to get spouse to face her need to work on herself rather than blaming me for all our marital problems. Spouse says I hv run our marriage into ditch and must straighten it out.  She has done nothing to contribute to the problems.  I know I have done hurtful things and hv asked forgiveness.  She keeps bringing them up over and over. Has a pretty good list. I am guilty of most and acknowledge them but get nowhere. Have struggled. 50 years with this. Lost many potential friends because she has criticized these. Am cut off from close relationships with our children because they feel hurt and angry with us. I want to put family back together and hv good relationship with spouse

[Turkish]

Whether or not she has diagnosis xyz, relationships are about interactions,  so focusing on what's going on at ground level is where to start improving things.  It's the behaviors that count.

You may want to start going through the lessons to the right of this board.  Lesson 3 covers the communication tools.  Though they were developed by leading experts in the disorder,  they work with anyone.  Validation can work with your children as well.  

1.10 | Validation Skills

I can imagine it's frustrating,  even hurtful to acknowledge past hurts only to have them thrown back in your face.  Seems like a treadmill.  A simple technique to grasp might be SET:

1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Take a look and tell us what you think.  Members here can even help you practice.

[johndude49]

Hi Bubba80,

Your situations sounds a lot like mine except we've never gotten as far as my wife being even willing to see a counselor, let along let them tell her what is wrong with her.  As with your wife, my wife usually blames me, someone else, or even God for her crappy situation.  It's very frustrating.  You mentioned 50 years.  Have you actually been married for 50 years?  Has she been like this the whole time?  I have been married 27 years and it has already been very hard.  Even after practicing most of the things they recommend in this website and reading some of the books, things have not changed with her much.  What has changed is me.  I do better at keeping boundaries, taking care of myself, learning how to talk to her without making things worse, tolerate her, and sometimes bring the best out of her and help her come alive (though that's not the norm)

I could tell you more but just wanted to let you know for now that I feel your pain and that this website and the books they recommend her are very helpful so go ahead and start learning and get as good as you can at being a good partner to someone with BPD.