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Author Topic: I refuse to be a doormat, I refuse to let her treat me like trash.  (Read 697 times)
IsThisThingOn
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« on: May 22, 2017, 02:43:10 PM »

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post here. I found this forum years ago when coming to terms with my own BPD and now have found myself back here due to my relationship.

I'll start with I was diagnosed with BPD about 5-6 years ago and since then have done everything in my power to get my disorder under control. I started with partial inpatient therapy that focused highly on DBT and continued on (still currently) in therapy twice a week with the same therapist for the past 3 years. I wont ever claim to be cured but I certainly have gained a greater insight into my disorder, how it manifests, and how to get back in control whenever I do begin to exhibit signs. -- Thats just a little background on me.

Now my relationship... .as is typical, we met (beginning of 08/2016) and everything was fireworks and pure intense love and adoration. I wont deny I immediately felt insanely connected to her but I knew that I needed to keep myself in check because that was common behavior for someone with BPD. I had a very rough 2016 so this finally felt like a good thing in a list of very very bad stressful things. It was hard to not just let the good feelings overflow in me.

In the beginning, again as is typical, she put me on a pedestal so high... .

"I have never felt this way before"
"I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and then I met you"
"I can see myself raising babies with you and living the most incredible life"
"You are my soulmate, you are the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. I dont know what I would ever do without you. It would be like losing my best friend and soulmate all in one"

The list goes on... .we have all heard it before... .typical statements, typical behaviors.

I fell deeply truly madly in love with this girl. She also fell in love with me. One of the bad things I was going through (like i said, 2016 was a very stressful/bad year) was the fact that I was at risk of losing my drivers license over false charges. (I am FTM -- I was discriminated against and charged with things purely based on that discrimination... .further adding to the already horrible prospect of what I was faced with) She was there for me nonstop. Most notably when I first started on T shots in Mid-September 2016. That meant the absolute world to me. Having the woman I love more than anything at my side on the day I essentially 'started my new life'. When I won my court case, but did however still lose my license for 3 months she stepped up and did everything in her power to be there for me. Drove me to and from work. Took the responsibility into her hands of making sure I could get where I needed to when I needed to. With that she also took control for the first time.  The day I won my court case (end of 09/2016) was the day we moved in together.  Thats right... .one month later. It seemed like a fine idea... after all we had already been spending every night together at her apartment so it didnt really seem like much of a life altering thing or something extreme.

By the end of October 2016 I proposed and we were engaged. We had been talking about this for about a month now and it just felt right. I know, typical of two people with BPD in a relationship. But at this point I was certain I still had myself under control and I only mildly saw signs of her own BPD in her. We got engaged on my birthday, it was amazing... .everything was great. Until the night of my birthday. That was the first time she exploded on me, stormed out of my parents house (who we were spending the night at) and said some really nasty things to me. She came back the next morning, with some coaxing, and we managed to fix what had happened. I knew then that she was severely BPD. Worse yet, I realized she was undiagnosed and did not recognize it in herself. I know that the idea of now being engaged, even though she outwardly was thrilled beyond belief, had scared her and triggered her behaviors.

We moved past this incident and I chose to forgive and forget what had happened but I was definitely shaken up. I knew now what I was involved in and I wasnt sure it was my place my even say anything. I feared the "youre only saying that because YOU are BPD" comeback (I did eventually get that response when I told her months later btw) -- From that point forward the control and manipulation slowly but surely started to rear its head. It started with where I was going and with who to "You can drink if we're drinking together but I dont want you drinking otherwise" (to be fair, I shouldnt be drinking at all and have since stopped and gone sober) -- Eventually it was a problem if I wanted to drive to see my family because "I needed to prioritize our relationship and future. I couldnt just drop everything whenever to go see them. They could make the effort too" -- Then there was the first (out of what she claims 3) physical altercations. As I remember it, and I do remember it because I knew the day was headed in a bad direction, after three days of back and forth over an issue that should not have gone on that long, we ended with me back at my parents after a $70 Uber ride home, a fractured nose, and being to blame for the whole thing. What really happened is she attacked me, I attempted to stop her from physically hitting me, and when she didnt like that she pushed me straddled me and clocked me in the nose 4 times (CRUNCH! on the 4th) before I pushed her off of me and removed myself from the situation. That night she told a friend I had hit her. This friend is the reason for the $70 Uber ride home. The next day, she drove to pick me up from my parents and cried all the while taking full responsibility and apologizing for what had occurred. Apologizing for my nose. All of it. By that night the tune had changed and she was expressing how I should somewhat take responsibility for what had happened. I stayed quiet.  The second and third altercation she claims I am 100% to blame. Both I have zero recollection of them happening. Both I ended up bruised and with marks, her with nothing. But both she claims were entirely me. I suspect because she knows how much I despise physical abuse and she knew it would really bother me if I was convinced I had done something like that. -- The cycle continued where she would say really nasty mean things to me and I would take it until finally, about two months before Today, I snapped and reciprocated with equally as nasty hurtful things. I hated that I had allowed myself to get to that point. It was a huge backtrack for me in my recovery process from BPD.

Fast forward to the present issue (and main reason I am here) -- 2 weeks before Mothers Day we broke up and I found myself back at my parents. Distraught confused broken hearted. You name it, I was it. I pleaded (which I know I should not have) and one of my best friends even called her to try and rationalize with her. I suspect she allowed this because the smear campaign which had already begun months in advance was underway to spreading over onto my friends and family... .finally I went NC. After a little under a day of NC she reached out asking if I was ok. A couple hours later asking if I wanted to come have dinner with her. I was hesitant... .I knew what this was... .but of course I went.  Hurt and sad and terrified of losing her I took full responsibility and swore I would not lose my temper say nasty things or lash out (just so we are clear... .I stuck to that. Even when being berated my her I asserted myself in saying that was not ok to do or say to me but I did NOT raise my voice or lose my temper), which I should not have done, and we agreed I would move back in but we would not be together... .simply "Friends who Snuggle" as she put it. That lasted for about 4 days before we had sex and were back together. We went on a day trip and had a great time... .at one point ended up in a coffee shop where she, with tears in her eyes, professed how "No matter what we've gone through I just cant picture my life without you. That has never happened to me before. Leading up to her wearing her engagement ring again the day before Mothers Day claiming. She insisted Mothers Day, due to the seriousness of our relationship, should be spent with us both spending time with our mothers together. I suggested I spend it with me, her with hers. She didnt like that. I knew immediately it would be a difficult day filled with the cold shoulder and side remarks meant to make me feel guilty and what not. But I did it anyway. I stuck to my guns and went to spend the day with my mom and sister alone.

On my way home after spending the day with them I stopped by her moms apartment, thinking she was still at her moms, and dropped off a mothers day card for her. It could not have been more awkward. Remember, the smear campaign had already been in full effect for weeks now. I left after a couple tense minutes and went back to our apartment (a short walk from her moms to the building over) -- When I got to our apartment I found her on the couch reading, she asked why I hadnt texted saying I was on my way home. I said i had wanted to surprise her. I told her I'd just gone over to her moms and how it was a bit awkward due to everything she'd told her... .I was met with "Yeah well you shouldnt have just shown up. It's kind of F'ng weird that I was there without you and then you just show up. Thats your own fault." -- This really hurt my feelings. The night ended with us going to bed and me waking up to a note that was a somewhat apology. If you can call it that. I woke up, decided to have an amazing day and I did. I came home and decided I wanted to have a drink. One drink. ONE. She had given me an ultimatum a couple days prior that was "me or alcohol" and I really, really hate ultimatums. Especially when using our relationship as a weapon. I didnt think this ONE drink (mind you we had drank together since I'd been welcomed back home with no issues) would really be the breaking point. I should have known. I should have known it would be enough reason for her to use against me.

That night I found myself driving home at midnight, my keys to the apartment taken away, and half my belongings in my trunk. I have been at my parents since.

I've been called a monster... .been told "youre not the person I thought you were", "you broke me. you shredded us to nothing" , "I'm not in love with you dont flatter yourself", "ive moved on I suggest you do the same", "I hate you" -- you name it Ive heard it.

She's set the rules for not being allowed to talk to her unless it is to discuss "logistics"  (getting my name off joint bank account, getting the rest of my things -- she forgets my name is on the lease, our joint cellphone plans, etc. or so it seems) -- She has gone from asking if Im ok and seeming somewhat less angry and crass back to mean and absolutely cruel. I know for a fact she spent the past few days drinking in excess, over spending, and with someone else who during our relationship she told me had expressed interest on numerous occasions but they "werent her type. good person but I would never date them" so forth so on... .now all of the sudden it seems this is who she has 'moved on' with.  Friday she wanted my things gone that day, Saturday when I said I could stop and grab my things it suddenly wasnt quite as pressing, Sunday (yesterday) I was on the receiving end of hate filled messages followed by complete silence, Today (Monday) I've received a text stating I need to figure out when to get my things which I responded a simple "ok" and then a request for her "coin change wallet as it might have a special coin from her mom in here"

I am currently sticking to my NC/LC.  I refuse to be a doormat, I refuse to let her treat me like trash. I dont deserve it. I have been good to this girl. I want her back so desperately but at the same time... .I dont see her coming back from this one. I am so far in the Black with her that I just dont see it ever changing. I dont know what to do. I have taken the time to evaluate where I am at with my BPD and I know I am 98% in control. I know this falls on her right now. I see all of the signs (excessive spending, excessive drinking, sexual promiscuity, intense bouts of anger... .) but I dont know what to do. I want so badly to shake her out of it.

I just need help. Please.  

I have plenty more info I can provide but this post is long enough. Any input would be helpful. I just couldnt hold it in anymore.

Thank you so much guys.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 02:55:55 PM »

Hi 

Welcome back here after two years  I am sorry though for the difficult circumstances that have led to your return.

Your post seems to have fallen between the cracks which is unfortunate.

That night I found myself driving home at midnight, my keys to the apartment taken away, and half my belongings in my trunk. I have been at my parents since.

How is this situation now? Are you still staying at your parents?

You also mention physical violence in your post which concerns me. Do/did you generally feel physically safe in this relationship?

I want to commend you on the hard work you've done managing your own struggles with BPD Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You've certainly come a long way indeed. I think it is good that you still have the support of a therapist to help you deal with this. Have you also discussed your relationship with your therapist?

Take care
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2017, 03:23:27 PM »

Hi NewLifeNow,

Welcome

I want to join  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Kwamina in welcoming you. I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point in your relationship. It hurts so much to lose someone we love, especially when it is abruptly. That happened to me, too.  

I'm glad you reached out for support. I want to commend you on all the work you've done for your own mental and emotional health. That takes a lot of courage and commitment. That is very inspiring to read.

When you can, please update us on your situation. What kind of communications have passed between you since the breakup?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
IsThisThingOn
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« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2017, 01:26:56 PM »

Thank you both for the welcome. I really appreciate it.

How is this situation now? Are you still staying at your parents?

You also mention physical violence in your post which concerns me. Do/did you generally feel physically safe in this relationship?

I want to commend you on the hard work you've done managing your own struggles with BPD Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You've certainly come a long way indeed. I think it is good that you still have the support of a therapist to help you deal with this. Have you also discussed your relationship with your therapist?

Take care

I am still currently at my parents. It has been nothing short of a rollercoaster since it all began. It will be 1 month in two days. Hard to believe how much has gone on in that time. The entire situation is one giant mindF___.

It took her all of 4 days for her to already be spending the entire day with someone else. Dont believe that one lasted past the weekend, however, it took 9 days in total for her to be attached to yet another person. I'm certainly not surprised... .I know how this works... .losing the attachment she had to me left a big open empty hole that she NEEDED to fill immediately or it would eat her away. She was in her cycle of anger and hatred, the smear campaign was already underway. She couldnt fill it with me so she immediately jumped on a replacement. They call and text each other constantly.

She's been spending money without any regard for, well, anything really (we still have a joint bank account, shared cell phone account, still on the lease together, etc.) -- $300 in one weekend on food, alcohol, random trips not close to home (with im sure the new person shes been attached to). She has managed to hit pretty much all the main criteria items: excessive spending, excessive/unhealthy eating (for her its always been more so the unhealthy urges -- "binge" eating garbage foods that later lead to deep regret when suddenly her clothes fit tighter or she starts to feel gross over it) -- the fact that shes attached to someone else to the extent she is hits promiscuity. So on so forth. She cant sit with herself. When she's not working overnight she is on the go. I know this is yet another way of trying to stay ahead of the "come down" ... the "crash" ... momentary wake up call, whatever you want to call it.

Mixed into all of this are the moments where I just dont know how to understand in regards to them:

1. the day we agreed on for me to go pick up the rest of my things -- we had spoken the day before. What I felt was a good conversation. At least it ended on a somewhat hopeful/good term. "Retrieval" day I came to work dreading the fact that I had to go over there and get my things. It felt too real. Accepting it was truly over. I wasnt ready.  She texted me about 3 hours before I was due to leave work/head over to the apartment and asked me if I wanted to grab sushi with her for dinner. A good sign. I agreed. We went for sushi and she had a lot of questions to ask on what I'd been doing -- "have you just been being a hermit or have you been going out and doing things?" (I think we all know why this question was posed) -- I didnt want to think about anything negative, enjoy the moment, so I was quick with my replies and to the point in hopes we could focus on good things. Whatever good meant at that point at least. About 15 minutes before we finished dinner she began to mention coffee... .now it seemed like she was delaying parting ways. First dinner, now shes suggesting coffee. Why not just get it over with, right? After coffee I must admit I was seeing a little more of a light. I know I shouldnt have gotten my hopes up but she seemed to have calmed down about everything and was thinking clearer. Or maybe thats what I wanted to believe was happening.

We got back to the apartment and she led me to where my things were. Awesome. Glad I let my hopes go up how they had. I started taking my things, she seemed sweet enough but the sick part is I could almost see that glimmer in her eye... .the glimmer that was almost like a sweet sick satisfaction over seeing me hurting and continuing to be the sweet innocent "let me help you" -- "are you okay? you dont seem okay" -- After I had taken everything to the car I came back in to say goodbye:

her - why dont you sit down for a second
me - no its okay, I dont want to
her - well I wish you would but if you dont want to then okay


More stalling? She pulled my arms around her waist and hugged me... .hugged me the way she knows melts my heart. Her hand holding the back of my head, fingers running through my hair. It killed me. I wanted to pull away... .the anxiety was real.

When I did pull away:

me - I should go, it's getting late I have a long drive and I'm sure you want to get some sleep
her - It's okay, I can see you want to leave, it's fine
me - No, actually thats the last thing I want to do. If only you understood


She did understand... .but she liked this. It was feeding her. She told me to text her when I got home so I did. This led to a conversation where I'd accepted what was going on and said I was going to let God work his plan. "Sometimes things need to completely fall apart to come back together the right way." -- in between the sad face and broken heart emojis I received mixed messages of I will always love you/miss you and "I can tell you with pretty good certainty I will never see you the same was as I did in the beginning again" -- A total mind____

2. In between all the crap I've already been dealing with, I also totaled my car. Stitches on my head... .cops said I was lucky the air bags didnt deploy or they could have snapped my neck the way my head hit the steering wheel. This was an extremely EXTREMELY low point for me. I was devastated. Completely lost. I didn't want to go on anymore. I was giving up on everything. I knew I couldnt, I knew I wouldnt... .but it was hard not to sit in those feelings. I messaged her and told her what happened. Of course I was hit with "Were you drunk?" and "You do these things to yourself, you see that right?" -- For the record, no I was not drunk. I may not have been in a great mind-frame but I was not drunk.

Her concern seemed genuine... .whether it was or not I am starting to question. This happened over MDW so I had nothing but time to sit with myself, what had happened, and what I needed to resolve once Tuesday hit. I took the day off work Tuesday to take care of what I needed to. I let her know I had my phone again since it had been stuck in my now totaled car all weekend. This led to the next time we saw each other... .

She invited me over after asking what I was doing for the rest of the day. A part of me was certain that going over there was not a good idea. A larger part of me was completely broken and I needed my best friend/girl I love more than anything in this world. So I went over. She ended up telling me something that had happened to her the night before. Something she said she couldnt tell anyone else but me. I was there for her, how ive always been. We again went to dinner and headed back to the apartment to watch TV.

That night she cried to me about how much she missed me and has missed me. We held each other. She cried. We ended up on the couch making out and her asking me to please stay over because she really wanted me to and she didnt want to be alone. She must have asked upwards of 10 times... .I said no, it wasnt a good idea. We spent time just being in the moment. Holding each other like we used to, kissing each other like we used to. She kissed me bye that night. Texted me until she fell asleep. The texting went on for a few more days... .she even went as far as to turn her "read receipts" back on our messages.  The sad faces, the "this is just hard" and "even though I love the f___ out of you we just cant be together right now" mixed in with sweet cute messages. It was all too much. I knew it would all come to a screaming halt. I just didnt know when.  This brings us to 4 days after night number two... .

3. She had been saying how she was upset she wouldnt see me for a while because of how busy her schedule was (since night number two... .actually she mentioned this one of the last times I said no to staying over. It almost made me reconsider and stay) so when 3 days later things were still going well she asked if I would meet her for a late lunch before she went into work overnight. We'd been talking pretty continuously, calls in the morning, texts before bed... etc... When she arrived to meet me her smile beamed. She seemed so genuinely happy to see me. Her smile didnt leave her face until almost the end of lunch. As we sat waiting for our good she stared at me... .face beaming... .

me - why are you smiling?
her - I'm just really happy to see you. I missed you
me - stop youre going to make me blush
her - looks like you already are mister Smiling (click to insert in post)


She's right... I was. I had let my guard down. Foolishly so. We ate and she went on and on about work and what not. Finally we went back to her car for her to finish getting ready. Here is where it all shifted. She knew that a friend of mine had been pretty adamant about coffee... matter fact she wanted to have coffee on this day but I had said I didnt think so. She was convinced this girl wanted more than just a friendly coffee date.  When she brought this up in the car something in my head immediately went "thats why she wanted to have lunch before work... .to make sure you wouldnt be going to have coffee." -- She kept saying things like: well you should keep your options open because you are single. -- She must have repeated how I was single at least 4 times in the matter of a minute. Foolish me assured her that didnt matter because even though I was single, my heart was taken ... .I'm pretty certain that is all she wanted to confirm. She wanted to make sure she hadnt lost her grip on me.

We parted ways since she had to go to work. She texted me to have a good rest of my day, I replied of course... .this is when I noticed she barely made it out of the parking lot and had already taken her "read receipt" off from our messages. This may not seem like a big deal... but think about... one of the first things she did after "make out night" was turn it on. It was always a big thing in our relationship. Having read receipt on so even if we couldnt respond we knew we got our messages. I immediately knew things had shifted back to black.


Fast forward to yesterday:  I went to go get my mail... .this was after no more than two words worth of communication from her since "pre-work lunch/third time" -- I asked her if I could go get my mail. She stated she wouldnt be around all week (going away with my current replacement or so I suspect... .quite rightfully so considering the evidence collected) -- but I could come by after work because she'd still be there then for me to get it. When I got there her and her mom were outside. She enthusiastically and as if nothing had happened that was negative/wrong handed me my mail and asked me how my head was doing (stitches) -- I kept it very business and to the point. I couldnt afford to let any sense of hope get into my head/heart again. I left and within minutes received a text stating "I dont know why youre being so cold" -- She doesnt know why... .OK.

Long story short: I ended up mentioning how when she got back we should discuss transferring my cellphone back into my name. It wasnt until I said that that she began to have an attitude... .like it bothered her that I would even suggest that:

her - you absolutely are  (in response to me saying I wasnt being "cold"
me - I'm sorry you feel that way. When you get back we can discuss switching the cell phones
her - sure
me - great, thank you
her - you are beyond welcome (the attitude shift)
me - seems like youre the one who has an attitude
her - when you figure out why youre talking to me like a co-worker let me know


How else was I supposed to be talking to her? --  All in all... .I saw this as an opportunity to genuinely, calmly, and with care/concern/love explain to her she was also BPD (a fact she agreed with months ago but had quickly rejected later) and I just wanted her to please take care of herself. I backed up what I was saying with clear examples of the behavior she had exhibited in the past month. I made sure she knew I was NOTsaying this because I wanted to get back together with her. Of course I want to... .when she is healthy. In a better state of mind. Taking care of herself so that we could take care of each other eventually. The fact is I WASNT saying it because I want to get back with her. I said it because I see it. I see her behavior. I also see the amazing person she is when shes NOT lost in an episode. I explained that to her as well... .how I just want her to be able to live as the girl she is when shes not caught up. I offered to go to therapy with her if and when she decided she wanted to and if she'd like me to go... .

After comments of "sure blame me, turn this all around on me. I knew it'd happen eventually anyway" among others I was left with simply:

"you are entitled to feel however you want about me. Either way, I'm going to move on and be happy. I will seek the help I need because I know what I need"

My response: I think nothing but positive about you. Always will. The offer is open.  (offer of going with her to her therapist if she decides to go and would like support)


Here we are... .The day after. No communication since then. I was lost, hurt, broken... .but I still continue to wake up, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure why yet but I know I'll figure that part out eventually... .for now I will just keep on waking up, getting dressed, and putting one foot in front of the other... .


I'm sorry this update is so long. I feel like in situations like this it is extremely important to be thorough. I think it's important for the situation to be seen as a whole and also for others who may be going through it to see "Wow, it's not just me/my situation"


Again, thank you both for your replies. I was starting to lose hope I'd hear anything back.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2017, 02:50:57 PM »

Hi NewLifeNow,

I've read your entire update and I want to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is hard to deal with this kind of behavior. Wanting to revive our relationship, while still trying to stay true to ourselves. I admire your strength in putting yourself first. That is not easy. I struggled so much with that in my relationship.

Here we are... .The day after. No communication since then. I was lost, hurt, broken... .but I still continue to wake up, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure why yet but I know I'll figure that part out eventually... .for now I will just keep on waking up, getting dressed, and putting one foot in front of the other... .

I've been here, NewLife. For a while, I felt a bit like a machine going through the motions. I was hurting so much. And you know what? Things got better. They really did. 

How did you find out about the other man? Did she tell you?

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
IsThisThingOn
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« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2017, 09:45:09 AM »


How did you find out about the other man? Did she tell you?

heartandwhole

Good Morning,

Yet another day of one foot in front of the other. Today feels a little easier to breathe. I guess maybe I'm adapting to the let down. I'm not sure.

No, she didnt tell me but all of our stuff is combined (bank account, cell phones, still on the lease etc.) -- It wasnt hard to find out. I know I shouldnt have gone digging... .but sometimes finding out DOES make it easier. I dont know, I guess it did a couple of things for me:

1. It allowed me to once again reiterate in my mind that this is someone who is BPD and very much so untreated. Classic behavior... attach immediately to fill the void and quite the silence

2. It allowed me to deal with the hurt because the NOT knowing but highly suspecting would have been significantly worse. I know for me obsessing about things is a trigger for me so I actively try not to but sometimes you need a little help

3. I do understand this is me slipping a little bit into the "comforts of BPD" but I think in this case its not unhealthy considering its a conscious decision ... .finding out for sure allowed me to, in a way, put her into what I like to refer to as "a darker grey" than the grey I've learned to live in. It allowed me to disconnect and stop letting my hopes rise at the sight of her or sound of her voice or her name popping up on my phone. Kind of like a "if she could do that and carry on as if what we had meant zero, then I can carry on as well."  Not stop caring... .but carry on. I think its when you fully stop caring about something that SHOULD hurt until it heals is when you enter dark territory.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 02:26:09 PM »

Hi again NewLifeNow

How would you like to move forward from this point?

I see her behavior. I also see the amazing person she is when shes NOT lost in an episode. I explained that to her as well... .how I just want her to be able to live as the girl she is when shes not caught up. I offered to go to therapy with her if and when she decided she wanted to and if she'd like me to go... .

After comments of "sure blame me, turn this all around on me. I knew it'd happen eventually anyway" among others I was left with simply:

"you are entitled to feel however you want about me. Either way, I'm going to move on and be happy. I will seek the help I need because I know what I need"

My response: I think nothing but positive about you. Always will. The offer is open.  (offer of going with her to her therapist if she decides to go and would like support)

If she were to get therapy, would that change how you feel about moving forward?

She told you "I will seek the help I need because I know what I need". Do you think there is any chance she actually would get help for her issues? Has she ever expressed any really insight into her issues and acknowledged the role she played in the problems in your relationship?

You are well aware of what it means to have BPD, yet still it might help you to take a look at the tools and lessons in the right hand-side margin of this board. These resources can help you cope and decide how best to move forward.

The Board Parrot
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
IsThisThingOn
Formerly NewLifeNow
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 88


« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2017, 11:21:24 AM »

Hi again NewLifeNow

How would you like to move forward from this point?


Hello there.  After this weekend I have decided I need to just let her be. This weekend was one that led to more cruel things being said. I ended up blocking her from being able to call or text me. So she resorted to email. The only thing she said in this email, after the automated message I received from Verizon releasing my phone number back into my name, stated  "next is the lease... .stay tuned for details."

I chose not to respond immediately to this so that I could give myself some time to get into a mindful state and get a grip on the current situation. Before I even got a chance to finally answer I received another email, very accusatory, stating "Stop harassing my friends." -- This one I needed to respond to immediately because it was a completely false accusation. I have not in any way reached out to or done anything to anyone in her life. As a matter of fact, the only thing I did do was delete everyone off of all social media as to avoid seeing anything anymore. I still maintained a calm approach while very blatantly stating exactly that... I had not been in contact with or harassed anyone in her life. It led to a very mean response where she once again restated how she'd moved on. All this was at 1am.  I chose not to respond until the afternoon the following day (technically same day I suppose).

When I did finally respond to the initial email, I was very kind. I let her know I already knew what needed to be done for the lease so she didnt have to go to any lengths to find out. I told her I was glad to hear she had moved on and was happy. That I wished her the best. I also restated that although I am thrilled for her, I do hope she takes the time to take care of herself and explore options such as DBT and regular talk therapy. To take out excerpts from my email response to her:

1."... .I hope you take the time to look at everything from outside of the fog and analyze it for the reality of it. I may not have been perfect 100% of the time but I know that I did always have you and your best interest in mind. At your core, you are a good beautiful intelligent person. Not everyone is out to get you. Not everyone deserves to be raged on or thrown away over mistakes made. Sometimes what seems like a disappointment or a let down is exasperated by the battles we ourselves already fight internally... ."

2. "... .I dont miss the person who would go on blackout rages and say some of the worst things that have ever been said to me. But I will always miss the girl who showed her vulnerability and human side. A girl who at her core just wants love and to be loved without fear of being let down or disappointed or the fear of abandonment. Sometimes those fears lead to use creating the exact thing we feared... ."

3. "... .I dont hate you. I never will. I do hate that youre so quick to burn a bridge because the bridge scared you. It's no coincidence that the day I proposed is the first time you raged on me. It all became to real for you. Whether or not you see it, something inside of you thats terrified of accepting youve found someone who actually WILL catch you if you ever begin to fall suddenly came out in full swing. In your moments of clarity you were able to show you didnt want to lose what was given to you. In other moments, it was easier to self sabotage... ."

4. "... .I get how easy it is to push away and make sure its completely destroyed. I get how easy it is to find flaws you can use to convince yourself 'I didnt cause this, they did.' You have so much pain and hurt and anger inside of yourself. All covered up by attaching to what makes you capable of keeping it all in Pandora's box... ."

5. "... .All Ive ever wanted for you was for you to be at peace and truly be able to experience a life filled with genuine love and care. I did try to show you that youd found someone who would always have your back... ."

I ended it with what I'd hope would be solace on a day I know is difficult for her. Her father passed away when she was a teenager. It was all very tragic and without a doubt a huge contributor to how she is now... .

6. "Anyway, today is Fathers Day and I know thats hard on you. From everything I learned, your father was an extraordinary man and I have no doubt he is shining down on you today just as he does every day. Im sure hes up there making some pepper ham bread just for you." 

In the past, laying things out for her in a clear concise and loving manner almost seemed to get her to stop and think clearly... .even if just for a second. I was hoping this would result in the same.  Her response:

"A. You're a joke, and perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could go back and never have met you.
B. Stop with the long emails and nonsense because its falling on deaf ears - you wont manipulate me.
C. Do not talk about my father, youre not worth of talking about him."


This was a blow... .but not entirely unexpected. All I responded with was "such ugliness. and for what?"   Her- "Enough. Your behavior has literally been the ugliest of anyone ive ever met. Look in the mirror, get help."  -- Towards the end she was always trying to convince me I had backtracked on my recovery and I was the one who was in fact back deep in my disorder.  Problem is... .she is the only one who "saw" this as the case.

I dont know why I felt the need, but I did, and so I responded back: "Yes, in your mind I am sure thats true. Like you admitted 'sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what youve actually done versus the blacks I filled in myself' "  -- This was a statement she made when she was clear minded and understood, at least in that moment, just how inaccurate a lot of her accusations were.  It was a moment where I think she did see that there was something wrong. A moment that did not last very long if I'm going to be honest. I dont think it took more than a day for her to go right back to forgetting all about it.


She told you "I will seek the help I need because I know what I need". Do you think there is any chance she actually would get help for her issues?

If I had to guess, based off of her past history with "dealing with situations" -- yes, I think she will in fact go to therapy. But I think she will spend a lot of time and energy in getting this person to see and believe that I am in fact the problem. That she did nothing and "Who am I to try and say shes BPD when in fact its me who is" -- I made it clear to her always that I do not want her to take my observations as a diagnosis but simply food for thought. Something to bring to someone who CAN make that observation from a medical perspective and offer true therapeutic advise and/or diagnosis.

I guess my fear is that whoever she sees will be easily fooled by her very stealthy way of coming off perfectly ok. I know shes very capable of fooling people for a decent amount of time. That this therapist will never truly see the root problem and she (my ex) will feel vindicated in that nothing is wrong and I was in fact just trying to convince her of something that "doesnt exist"

On the other hand... .I guess a part of me secretly hopes and prays she does go and this person is wise enough to see exactly what is going on. I know a therapist would never suggest that their patient made a wrong decision in discarding a partner, however, I guess I have a small barely existing hope that if this therapist does bring to her attention these issues... .maybe my ex will be able to, on her own, see all that has happened and truly start doing the work. TRULY commit to fixing what has been broken. And maybe, just maybe, truly at some point or another be able to return. I dont know... .thats the part of me that I'm very conflicted in. This tiny glimmer of hope that once in therapy she will see all that has gone so terribly sideways and WANT to get back what we had. What we had was beautiful. And not in that "BPD kind of way" but truly beautiful. Genuine love and care, genuine concern for each other, genuine desire to be with each other and create this life... .in those moments of clarity it was all GENUINE.

Excerpt
Has she ever expressed any really insight into her issues and acknowledged the role she played in the problems in your relationship?

When I first admitted to her that I thought maybe she may also be BPD she took the time to listen and even ask questions. She herself made observations about her past history with relationships and different habits shes noticed she partakes in. It was a good conversation. A few days later as we were driving she randomly looked at me and said "I think you may be right. I think I might have BPD. It does make sense the conversation we had. "

That conversation led to a very loving open conversation about how two people with BPD can make their relationship work. It was here I stated it would take a lot of work. Therapy separately to work on ourselves and therapy together to ensure we arent A- triggering each other and B- that we have a grip on the situation.  I told her it could very well work if both parties are truly committed to healing.

It was during this conversation that she did promise to go to therapy as soon as her insurance kicked in. Stated she wanted to get better so that we could both be in a stable place. A place where we could discuss things properly with each other and stop having these really bad moments. Thing is, 90% of the time we were perfect. There was no denying the love and that we should be together because it was right. The 10% was ALL raging and irrational thinking/behavior. Without any need whatsoever. It was clear it all stemmed from that drifting into the black.

Unfortunately, insurance doesnt kick in until July 1st. And at this point we are over a month in to the split.


All in all the email exchanges ended with me letting her know, at my fathers request, what my dad had said in regards to her:

":)ad also said he knows today may be hard for you but he hopes you know regardless of everything going on youre in his thoughts and he hopes you know you were a daughter in this eyes"


My dad and her had formed a very strong bond. She was very fond of him. Maybe because she had lost her own father and he took her in so quickly and so lovingly.

It ended with:

Her - Please tell him Happy Fathers Day for me. And once again, we arent going to agree and you obviously have a completely different opinion of yourself than I do and vice versa. So just drop it. I have no interest in continuing this. I just want you gone. That would be the best thing that could happen to me.

Me - I will. And I will go away. Like I have always said... .I just want you happy. I will go.  Goodbye ____



No communication since.  I'm going to leave it at this. Take care of what I need to with the lease and just leave it alone. Go about my life.

I think I've done all that I can.  There seems to be no getting through to her. It's slowly starting to make me wonder if I am in fact the problem which is a problem in itself because I don't believe that I am.

It just sucks when those moments of "maybe she will go to therapy and see everything that has happened for what it is. Maybe she will be able to get back to her moments of clarity and realize this isnt what she wants. That she does love me like she said she did and she will work hard to get herself to a better place and STAY there all while coming back to the one place she always said made her feel most at home"   --- I guess those are all probably crazy thoughts/hopes to have, huh?

I dont know... .any thoughts, advice, comments are more than welcome.

Thanks again and so sorry for the long winded response. Seems I have a lot to get off my chest when I do respond.
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