Living with SO who has BPD to raise our two kids

[Mister Nice Guy]

I came here because I want to understand the impact of living with my spouse who has BPD and raising our children together. We are pretty much disengaged in the relationship and are not talking with each other. Pretty much there is no closure but both of us don't want to get back together anymore. Only when there's a need to talk about our children's needs she would course it via SMS or text message. Occasionally, I would still get emails whenever she has sudden outbursts and wants tell me her feelings (oftentimes to berate me) and sadly I still read them and react (I have just decided now that I will no longer read her emails). 

For a good reason, I cannot leave her with my two children because I'm afraid of the consequences of an absentee parent. And besides I have decided to correct the (my) behavior first and exemplify it before them hoping that it is not too late to show them whatever is happening between me and their mom is not normal. I hate to stay in this dysfunctional relationship (I have decided on leaving eventually) but I worry about my children so much that I'm convicted to do everything in my power to stop this pattern of dysfunction from happening with them in the future.

Please can someone here who are in a similar situation tell me or point me to a resource to help me help my kids? How do I deal with this situation? Is choosing to leave (a lesser evil) better? Your response will be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Mister Nice Guy, 

Only when there's a need to talk about our children's needs she would course it via SMS or text message

I'm sorry to hear that, I can relate with communication breaking down in a r/s / marriage, it hurts both party's, can you tell us what's going on? I understand that you're getting attacked through email, what's going on with the kids? Are you fighting in front of them? How old are your kids? Boys or girls?

[GBenata]

Hi

Am feeling your pain - such a dilemma to know what to do... .
I'm in a similar situation and finding that I am not sure if leaving is any better than staying - partic with children - I have 3 - 8/7/5

In reading useful elements of this forum I find myself wondering is it just a cross to bear now... as in it's better for the children that the 'reasonable' one is around

I've become confused about it now - seems either way is a hassle and fraught with BPD attacks etc - different story without children - would just be gone

My wife just announced she organized significant overseas trip to her brother the other day with me and children all paid for by her brother... .? Not one discussion with me about it - no clue whether I should go or not - children would love it
I am currently saying no and have been alienated from day to day at home - but can see the manipulation developing to get me to go -

So hard to get the boundaries right versus having a plan and working within it - going with flow for children etc

Now I think I'm hijacking your post - sorry - GB

[MrRight]

I am in a similar situation. extreme BPD wife - S14. Cant imagine leaving a woman with her issues and bahaviour patterns with our child and me leaving. Also realise I would have a custody battle on my hands if I leave and try for custody.
Not much choice but to be here and make the best of a bad situation until he's 18 at least. It's torture and a waste of life - but what is the alternative?

[MrRight]

Hi

Am feeling your pain - such a dilemma to know what to do... .
I'm in a similar situation and finding that I am not sure if leaving is any better than staying - partic with children - I have 3 - 8/7/5

In reading useful elements of this forum I find myself wondering is it just a cross to bear now... as in it's better for the children that the 'reasonable' one is around

I've become confused about it now - seems either way is a hassle and fraught with BPD attacks etc - different story without children - would just be gone

My wife just announced she organized significant overseas trip to her brother the other day with me and children all paid for by her brother... .? Not one discussion with me about it - no clue whether I should go or not - children would love it
I am currently saying no and have been alienated from day to day at home - but can see the manipulation developing to get me to go -

So hard to get the boundaries right versus having a plan and working within it - going with flow for children etc

Now I think I'm hijacking your post - sorry - GB

the reasonable one has to be around - exactly. I'm glad to hear others acknowledge it. You wouldnt be able to live in peace if you bail out - you will always be thinking - what is going on? You know what she is like - why should you leave your kids to deal with her while you sit and sweat over it. Either get custody - or stay put. That's the choice.

[MrRight]

Hi

Am feeling your pain - such a dilemma to know what to do... .
I'm in a similar situation and finding that I am not sure if leaving is any better than staying - partic with children - I have 3 - 8/7/5

In reading useful elements of this forum I find myself wondering is it just a cross to bear now... as in it's better for the children that the 'reasonable' one is around

I've become confused about it now - seems either way is a hassle and fraught with BPD attacks etc - different story without children - would just be gone

My wife just announced she organized significant overseas trip to her brother the other day with me and children all paid for by her brother... .? Not one discussion with me about it - no clue whether I should go or not - children would love it
I am currently saying no and have been alienated from day to day at home - but can see the manipulation developing to get me to go -

So hard to get the boundaries right versus having a plan and working within it - going with flow for children etc

Now I think I'm hijacking your post - sorry - GB

3 children.

When did you understand the full extent of your wife's disorder?

As for me - I understood a lot before her one and only pregnancy. After an unwise marriage I was already thinking of ways out as her nature unfolded before me - but I got complacent - we had already gone six months without contraception and no pregancy so i thought there's something wrong with me or her - and I felt ok about that - dont want a child with this woman. But guess what? After 7 months she conceived! What a mistake! I let it happen and am still paying for it. But I can tell you - I never took a single chance ever again. Having had one child with this BPD sufferer - I made damned sure there wasnt a second.
That's why I ask the question - when did you suspect your wife had issues. After the third child? Or before that? One child under these circumstances is like a nightmare - I cant begin to imagine what 2 or 3 would be like. Poor kids!
Better stick around though - as you say - at least 1 reasonable adult should be in the home.