BPD Mother

[Daughter123]

After many years of abuse and neglect, my siblings and I realized that our mother has BPD. I've spent many years in therapy and have worked hard to set boundaries with my mother. Recently, she has gone down her worst spiral yet, which coincided with me having my second child. I had to put distance between us because her behavior and actions have been so aggressive and unhealthy that I could not have her around my children, especially my oldest. I told her we needed a break and I begged her to seek help. In return, she has accused me of being selfish, cruel and heartless for keeping her from her grandkids, inspite of me repeatedly saying I want her in our lives once she is in a better headspace. She has sent me hateful emails and has enlisted one of her enabling friends to do the same.

I don't know exaclty what I am looking for here but I just feel like I am at a loss. I still see my therapist and I have a very supportive spouse and siblings, but this just feels like it is too much to handle. I don't feel strong enough to deal with my BPD mother and these emails from her friend. Any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

Also, does anyone know of any in-person support groups?

[Mutt]

Hi Daughter123,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I can see how difficult that would be when someone refuses to change and they make you feel like you're obligated, maybe even guilty or both. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time with your mom and it has to be hard to watch a parent spiral down like that.

I don't feel strong enough to deal with my BPD mother and these emails from her friend.

I think that you have the right idea with setting some space between yourself and your mom for now, we call it self protection, or minimal or no contact, I don't know if I'd go full no contact, maybe start with minimal contact so how it goes, I'd suggest to not take the bait.



BPD is a persecution complex, as you know a pwBPD think that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not by them. If you reply back, you're going to cast yourself in the position of persecutor because her friend is cast in the position of rescuer, and your mom has cast herself in the role of victim.  A pwBPD will mostly cast themselves in the role of victim and sometimes rescuer, rarely in the role of persecutor.

Three people make a drama triangle and it perpetuates a cycle of blame and conflict. If there is a lot of pressure in a r/s between two people, sometimes a third will enter the r/s because you can shift that pressure on easier on three people.

Also, does anyone know of any in-person support groups?

I don't, maybe someone else knows, I just wanted to say that it helps to talk about it, I can understand feeling worried if this is the worst spiral yet, you're not alone.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Daughter123:   
I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the Community!
I'm so sorry about what's going on with your mom.  I'm glad that your husband and sisters are supportive.  Does your mom tend to target you more that your sisters?  Do your sisters have children as well?  Do your sisters currently have a level of contact with your mom?

She has sent me hateful emails and has enlisted one of her enabling friends to do the same. . .I don't feel strong enough to deal with my BPD mother and these emails from her friend.

It might be best to mark your mom's friend's email address as SPAM, block it or set a rule to send it directly to a folder that you ignore.  Best to NOT try to justify, argue, defend or explain things. As Mutt indicates, your mom's friend is trying to create a drama triangle and appears to be playing a role of a rescuer.  Stay firm with your boundaries.  Just because someone sends you an email doesn't mean you have to read it and answer it. Treat it like junk mail and don't give it any power.

You gave your mom an explanation.  While you are taking a break from her, send her email to a special folder, as well.  Just ignore them, until you are ready to resume contact.  In case you need to move some emails to a folder manually, turn off any preview feature you email program may have.

You should find the workshop below helpful:

DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments

Does anyone know of any in-person support groups? 

You could look at this community as a support group.  Many people post to check their understanding of some of the communication skills and strategy.  Then, they sometimes post again for some practice or to gain support on handling situations as they arise.  One strategy is to explore some of the lessons and then discuss both here and in therapy sessions.  It can serve as double reinforcement. 

You can't change your mom.  She has to want to change and seek help.  What you can do is learn various communication skills and techniques that will make it easier for you to interact with your mom (when you are ready to resume contact). 

There is a "Lessons" thread, at the top of the thread lineup.  There is, also, a large green band at the top of the page, with a "Tools Menu".  There are some lesson links there, as well.