He wants me back...

[myselfandi]

Hi everyone,

My BPDex bf broke up with me just under a month ago. We have been together 2 and a half years and he broke up with me the same time last year for a few months. During this most recent breakup he said he could not get over the past and the things I did (I met someone else two months after him breaking up with me). He has constantly brought up the past events during the most random times and it creates an argument. A month ago he told me he wanted space and during that time I thought we were going to work on things. At the end of the week he broke things off completely and said the breakup is all my fault because of the past and me not being there for him. I then found out he was talking to another girl and he even went as far as to throw her in my face and tell me how perfect she is. After all the hurtful things said I decided I needed to focus on me and my healing. I committed to myself that I would no longer contact him because it would only hurt me in the end.

Well it didn't take much time and he was contacting me again. Long story short he wants me back and wants to work on things. He told me this girl was only a friend and nothing ever happened. He deleted her off all social media and told her that they could no longer talk. He is all for us doing things differently this time to make our relationship stronger and healthier. I am just soo worried that he is going to leave again. I am going to keep focusing on myself and what I need to do while trying to keep this relationship at a healthy distance until I feel like we can be together again.

Any advice on how I should handle this? Anyone been in similar situations?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Doughboy]

He is all for us doing things differently this time to make our relationship stronger and healthier. I am just soo worried that he is going to leave again.

What types of things is HE willing to do?  Is there any way you will be able to confirm he is doing them?  Remember to listen with your eyes more than your ears!

I am going to keep focusing on myself and what I need to do while trying to keep this relationship at a healthy distance until I feel like we can be together again.

I would say to be sure you are well versed in all the communication skills and are knowledgeable about "J.A.D.E.".  This one will be most important is he is prone to bringing up the past.

I would also try and figure out a plan/schedule that you can both be comfortable with regarding calls/texts/face to face time.  Slowly increase those times as things move along so you do not get in too deep too soon.

Good Luck.  I can imagine this is a bit scary for you right now as it would be for any of us.

[myselfandi]

He is currently in therapy and taking medication. He is going to be reading self help type of books and relationship advice books. He is also willing to go to couples counselling in the near future if the next few months go okay for us. I am hoping this is all going to be enough... .

I am definitely going to do the lessons on this website so I can better my communication skills to prevent unnecessary arguments and hopefully help him feel more validated and understood.

My initial plan was to slowly increase the texting/calling/hangouts but he seems to want to go back in talking 24/7 and constantly telling me how much he loves me. I was trying to text less and keep a safe distance but anytime I did he would think I am pulling away (in comes abandonment issues). It seems like a lose lose for me. I am still going to try the arms length thing with him but its also very hard to make this adjustment when a month ago we were together all the time and always professing our love for one another. It's all a lot to process... .

[Doughboy]

He is currently in therapy and taking medication. 

Are you, did you, have any opportunity to talk to the T to describe what you experienced?  This is something I would like to do if I have the chance to get back together with my Ex and she will get evaluated.

I am definitely going to do the lessons on this website so I can better my communication skills to prevent unnecessary arguments and hopefully help him feel more validated and understood.

Yes, Yes, Yes.  I am doing the same.  I have also read a few different books about loving a BPD and also one on my co-dependency tendencies.  Also seeing a Counselor and I encourage you to do the same if you can.

I found this from a past post here and saved it as it is SUPER relevant to these situations.

"Right now, the best thing that you can do is to find a therapist yourself and begin to work on yourself.  This is cliche, but it is also true.  If you want to be with this woman, and none of us can say if that will happen - but it might, then you are going to have to be her rock.  She is not going to be able to be an equal partner in this relationship.  Not without years and years of therapy, and maybe not even then.  So, you will have to be the pillar of this relationship.  You are going to have to conquer your own fears and insecurities.  You are going to have to learn to read her emotions, respond to and validate them.  You are going to have to be the calm, soothing, reassuring constant in her life.  You must be her rock.  This is not an easy task, and it will require tremendous personal growth on your part.  This is a journey I have begun to undertake myself.  Even if you are never able to be with your ex, you will be a better man for the changes you have made.  It is worth doing for that alone."

My initial plan was to slowly increase the texting/calling/hangouts but he seems to want to go back in talking 24/7 and constantly telling me how much he loves me. I was trying to text less and keep a safe distance but anytime I did he would think I am pulling away (in comes abandonment issues). It seems like a lose lose for me. I am still going to try the arms length thing with him but its also very hard to make this adjustment when a month ago we were together all the time and always professing our love for one another. It's all a lot to process... .

Look for a compromise between the 2 desires.  You can make that work if you both feel you are getting something you want.

[myselfandi]

Are you, did you, have any opportunity to talk to the T to describe what you experienced?  This is something I would like to do if I have the chance to get back together with my Ex and she will get evaluated.

Hi Ox,

Yes I am currently seeing a therapist myself and I am truly looking forward to the progress I will make for myself and for the relationship. I am only 3 sessions in but I have a great connection with my therapist and can see it being a long lasting one.

I love the post that you saved. I most definitely agree with it but I also believe that they need to be a rock in the relationship as well. If you are the only strong one 24/7 and you are the only one being able to carry all the weight then that is a problem. I know the personal growth is a great accomplishment but I believe that more can be expected of our significant others.