Feel like I'm relapsing

[Anez]

Hey all,

Been a while since I posted. Can't believe it will be 2 years in nov since I was discarded. I've done a ton of work on myself with a T and with just me.

I work w my ex but don't see her much and when I do it's from a distance or with other people around and we don't say anything. Summer is hard because we used to always go to the beach together and have great days. So just a lot of things that go w those days have been popping up lately.

Last night I had a dream about her. She was telling me something in the kitchen at work and I dumped a pitcher of water over her head! Ha!

And then as life would have it we bumped into each other entering the building today and there was no way to avoid it. She said hi, I said what's up and we kept walking our different ways.

More than a year and a half out I still have these urges and rumination. E weekends ago I woke up after drinking a lot with friends and saw I had typed a note to her in my notes app and thankfully didn't send. Thank goodness.

I think it's ok for these feelings to pop up - I'm a real person with real feelings. They're just hard. Not as hard as before bc of what I know about BPD but still enough to be like UGH.

Anyways, just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

[steelwork]

Hey Anez. I had a dream about my ex the other night--first one in a long time. I was hanging out with him and his new (well, no longer so new) gf. They were explaining to me that they were happy. It was just an awful feeling. I think it's significant that I dreamed of them together--like, there is a component of being competitive with her. It's not that he doesn't want me--it's that he wants her instead. You know?

Anyhow, it's been 2 and a half years for me, and I'm still struggling--more when I'm lonely for other reasons. I think I am starting to absorb the truth that this person is not necessary for me to be okay, that I didn't "blow it"--that he would have broken my heart sooner or later no matter what I did.

Do you feel like your thinking about her has evolved?

[Anez]

Yeah definitely feel like my thinking has evolved. I thought today that my feelings aren't really about her but about me and me wanting someone in my life. But def not her. That's just not possible. Each day I feel more ready which feels good.

With her I just see her being her "fun self" with others at work and I know her game. She was close with a few others in my group at work but she distanced herself from them, too. Quite sad, really. But now I see how she works and how it wasn't ever really about anything that I could have done. Because there's nothing you can do with these people.

It's just weird for me to have a lot of history with someone and not talk to them from time to time. The brief interaction today was like two strangers passing by when for a long while we weren't anywhere close to being strangers.

But here's a thought that keeps me going - that really great person for me and my life could pop up any day in any random setting and I'm looking forward to that and I'm looking forward to showing up every day in my life.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey Anez,

It's been awhile. How're you holding up? The dreams are perfectly normal, especially given that you work with her. That makes it tough, as you never get a 'real' break from them. Seeing them, hearing them, etc. doesn't allow you to fully get the distance you need. I know you know what I mean because our situations are the same.

J still approaches me, still wants to pick fights or whatever. I still dream of her from time to time as well. Luckily for me, I have the chance to retire from my current career and I'm moving on to another - so I won't be seeing her at work (or my replacement) in a few weeks. I can't tell you how liberating that is.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well. Stay strong!

[Mutt]

Hi Anez,

Do you miss her?

[Anez]

Astro! good to hear from you, dude. And congrats on getting out of that office. That is awesome news. I am jealous. I'm hanging in there. Overall i feel pretty good there are just some small moments that come up.

Mutt - it's a good question and a hard one to answer. I miss the good parts of her but I also remember the bad parts - the discard, what she did to get my attention when this whole thing started and when i was married. How I let myself fall for those things while I was married. And forgiving myself for falling for those things. how she just moved on like it was nothing as i was left to pick up a lot of pieces of my busted up life. 

I don't think i necessarily miss her, though. I think now i'm at the point where I miss having someone in my life like the good parts of her. Dating is proving to be rough and I still find myself thinking of the fun we had had, the good times we had, etc.

But I know that it wasn't really about me. She has BPD and you don't really stand a chance with someone who has that, no matter what you do. So I'm learning from it all still and getting through the process, because that's what it is.

and while i see her from a distance at work or even sometimes say hello - the oddness of how now we are like strangers still hits me a little. Weird to think all that we had and did together is like it never even came close to happening.

BPD, man. BPD.

[Mutt]

Weird to think all that we had and did together is like it never even came close to happening.

I understand and I agree that it doesn't feel natural, just because a pwBPD can suppress or alter reality, doesn't mean that it didn't happen, you were a part of it, you're right BPD is unstable interpersonal r/s's. My ex and I were married with kids, in her mind that doesn't exist, our kids were a part of it, in their mind mom and dad being together is their family. I guess that my exuBPDw and I interpret things differently, she shuts it out of her mind because it's another failed r/s that probably brings her feelings of shame.  

[Rayban]

Anez

I've always learned from your posts dude cause our experiences were so similar.  I have the good fortune of no longer having to work with her, and it helps not having to see her everyday.  I still think about her. It's just different.  I know it will never work between us and accepting that is getting easier.

We live less then 3 miles apart and a few weeks back I crossed her driving. She was heading east and I was heading west. Much like yourself I dreamt of her the night before.  I spotted her car  (it's flashy and hard to miss) as soon as she passed me she sped up.

I was shaken. I was just taken back where we would hop in the car on a Sunday morning and just head off on an adventure with no destination in mind. I miss that part of her. She had this look on her face that undeniably enjoyed being there with me.

It was fleeting . One perceived wrong move and she was off seeking a new attachment. The reality is that there is a pattern of this type of relationship with others.  She would boast that a " friend" wrote her a 20 page letter expressing his feelings.  She would mention this guy from day one.


Aftet questioning her over time , her version evolved from him just being a friend that she shared a passion for gaming, to hI'm hotting on her,  to him  writing a 20 page letter.  Apperently this poor stuck around for 4 years .

Took me time to realize that  My relationship was a barter system . She exchanged sex for my validation of her.

That's where I'm at with her. It's been 7 months God only knows how many people she's been with.

[Anez]

You've been through a lot, Mutt. Thanks for all you share and ask on this site site. And you're right - their ability to compartmentalize feelings and moments is what separates them from us.

Rayban, I know how that car feeling is. Sometimes that happens to be on a nice day when I want to head to the beach - I think of times she and I did that and it hurts.

These people are very ill and there's nothing we can do about it. It's not something curable like the flu. They are in the weeds for their whole lives and we're fortunate to not have them in our lives.

[lovenature]

I hear you Anez, we need to allow ourselves to think our thoughts and feel our feelings. Recovery takes what it takes, and the more we can roll with it the better we will be.

Take care.

[Icefog]

I was discarded five months ago. No warning, nothing ever identified by her in the relationship that was wrong, in fact two days before was telling people this was the best relationship ever blah blah blah. What I know know compared to what I didn't see while I was in it for 3 years is simply stunning. I am one of 12 or 13 relationships she has done this in over a 20 year period. 3 kids, three dad's later and one that was put up for adoption some 20 years ago. It's pathological behavior that makes sense from a psychological perspective but is brutal on people around her. No empathy, no attachment to family or friends and no attachment to partners past the honeymoon stage then the devaluation and eventual discard. I got a text message and absolutely no contact since of a personal nature. We work peripherally together and it's like I don't exist. Very sad for me and very sad for her. I'll heal and I'm doing all I can... .she won't.  She will continue the same destructive pattern over and over leaving bodies in her wake. The thing is I am farther away from a fraudulent person than I was 5 months ago and farther away from her dysfunctional behavior and environment. Sometimes that feels like freedom and sometimes it feels like hell. It's a process and one I don't wish on anyone. We're all due for better.