Graduation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's my ex partners boys graduation and I'm conflicted about whether to contact him or not. His mom and I have been NC for four months after her abrupt departure. I'm anxious and conflicted about what to do. Any experiences or suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

[Icefog]

So it's my ex partners boys graduation and I'm conflicted about whether to contact him or not. His mom and I have been NC for four months after her abrupt departure. I'm anxious and conflicted about what to do. Any experiences or suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

[RomanticFool]

What good can come of it? When an ex gf of mine (a non BPD) ended the r/s I heard a couple of times from her kids but that was it. I think the kids need their mother and that's the end of it. If I was in your shoes I certainly wouldn't open myself up again to go through more drama with a BPD. Stay NC and look after yourself.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Icefog,

I agree with RF.  There will be key dates, events etc. forever for her and the family as with yourself.  It's better to detach and let those play out without your involvement now.  When it's something you feel you want to do the right thing on, ask yourself who it's the right thing for?  Not for yourself.  And it's yourself you must think of now.  If he knows you well he'll know your thoughts are with him.  You don't need to open that door even a crack or it will take you back to the start line.  Would you want to go this distance again from the beginning?

Love and light x

[happendtome]

I wanted to reach out to my ex-s kids (they are under 10). She actually offered that herself and many many times, but she was never able to set the time.
However, at first, my thought was to get connected to my ex again, through the kids. So it wasnt really sincere from me.
It changed. Later i just wanted to see kids. Never happened though and im sure it wont either.
I dont even know if it would be good for me to meet them. I wouldnt gain anything from that. Neither would they. Yes, it could be happy event, but at the same time it would be also that one and only event. I really dont see a point here.

My only hope is that when they are grown ups that they would remember me and the time we had together. I say, i would be very happy if they would reach out me then, but i need to be honest.
Chance that they would remember anything then is quite the small one. And even if they would remember something then the chance that they would reach out to me is even smaller.

So thats it, life is letting go and starting all over. We cant live in the past. You need to close this chapter and start the another one. It wont be the same one, but it doesnt mean it wouldnt be worth to discover it.

[Icefog]

I think a piece of it for me is that we were significant in each others lives and spent a good deal of time together. I guess also that I just didn't want him to feel that I was just another guy that mom brought home for a while and then left again... .which I was and this has happened many many times in his 18 years. When his Mom left I was the one to tell him and it was three days later and he had no idea. He was upset but not surprised... .I find that sad and pathetic. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ice fog, Why not send him a graduation card and a check?  It seems like that's what your heart is telling you to do.  My suggestion: if you decide to reach out to him, let go of the outcome.  Don't expect anything in return.  If it triggers your Ex, so be it.  LJ

[Icefog]

That is what I was thinking Lucky Jim. What my main concern is my susceptibility to have contact with my exBPD partner as on any given day I know I am not able to be strong enough not to engage with her. Of course I am forecasting as there is absolutely no reason for me to believe that she would contact since she hasn't yet. I struggle every day and know I am vulnerable to recycle if the door was open knowing it would be healthier to leave it closed.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ice fog, Well, you know the risks better than I do, but on the surface I don't see why sending her son a graduation card is an open invitation for a recycle.  Maybe you are projecting a little here?  If you are doing it to get a reaction out of your Ex, then I would agree w/those above that it's a bad idea.  I suggest that, before reaching out, you make sure you are doing it out of the kindness of your heart with no expectation of hearing anything in return.  If you're unsure, listen to your gut feelings.

LJ

[Icefog]

I would sincerely like to do something for him however I am going to opt out at this time. Doing nothing right now seems safer and healthier for me.

[Lucky Jim]

If that is what your gut is telling you, then that's what you should do!  Being authentic is usually the best guide.  Well done.

LJ