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Author Topic: Breaking the cycle  (Read 353 times)
Hope37
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2


« on: May 24, 2017, 02:31:14 AM »

Hi there everyone  
I suspect my mum has BPD. I've known she behaved differently since I was 10 years old. I'm 37 now and have my own baby daughter.  I don't want my daughter to be adversely affected by mums BPD. My grandma behaved in a BPD way but sadly did not get the help she needed. I would like to discuss with others about boundaries you have put in place to help you change your responses to your BPD parents. My father and I are also encouraging my mum to seek professional help to get a diagnosis of BPD if that's what she has and get some help so she can stop living in so much pain.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2017, 08:59:30 PM »

Hi Hope37,  

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you went through that as a child, it has to be difficult when you'r mom and grandmother display BPD traits. i'm glad that you decided to reach and get different opinion s, you're in the right place, it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You suspect that she has BPD, what traits does she display that are BPD ones?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
sisbpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 25


« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2017, 09:57:47 PM »

Hi there,

Boundaries are so difficult with BPD individuals because they are often very manipulative. I also find that my sister, who has BPD, is a pathological liar, to the point that she absolutely convinces herself her lies are real. She will become so emotional and so indignant, and when finally presented with indisputable evidence, will accept that it isn't true, but will be confused about it and truly upset with herself.

I have set up the following defense-mechanisms/ boundaries:
-When she claims something outrageous has happened, I insist on seeing my sister in person to judge how she is telling the story- does it seem authentic, what is her facial expression, is she consistent with the details and able to explain them further?
-When she makes requests, I am happy to help her with certain requests and not others.
For example, when my sister needed a calculator for school earlier this year, I was happy to buy one for her. Furthering her education is important for her to be successful. When she frequently breaks/ loses a phone, has no money for an uber, or is begging for things online, I know that a lot of her requests are related to her spending money on drugs and alcohol. I will also bring her food on occasion if she requests something healthy. For example, a few days ago she wasn't feeling well, so I went to visit her and brought some soup.
-I also have to think hard about gifts I buy her. I never ever give her a Visa giftcard or any giftcard to any store that sells alcohol or medication. This means a lot of gift cards are off-limits. However, I have found that giftcards for food (she likes Taco Bell and Dunkin Donuts/ Starbucks) are ok. I also buy her some basic necessities. For example, sometimes I get bath products or makeup because I know these are luxuries she can't afford. Occasionally, I will buy her movie tickets because, once again, I know she can't afford it.
-Her boyfriend is an ex-con who has stolen from my family on numerous occasions. She is aware that he is not invited into any family home, on any family property, or at any family event, and that the police will be contacted to escort him off of the premises if he arrives.
-She is aware that if she begins drinking at a family event I will either pay for an uber or call the police. She is not allowed to get blackout drunk. She got alcohol poisoning at my first family Thanksgiving in my first home and vomited red wine on the walls, curtains and ceiling of my bathroom. She also wouldn't wake up. This is after I cut her off and spoke with my mom and dad, and they did nothing and made me feel like I was imagining it. I told her that I will not serve her alcohol at my family functions. If other people choose to serve her, it is just her responsibility not to overdo it.
-If she begins ranting at me/ becoming abusive, I cut her off and tell her that I will not tolerate it. I tell her that I will listen to her, but that I will not play into her abusive tactics and that I know that if she gives herself enough time, she is capable of good decision-making and choices.
-My sister is aware that she is not allowed to call me before and after certain hours, as she did this on drugs.
-Emotionally, I set a boundary for myself. I know that when I see her and she's high-functioning, some kind of big crash-and-burn situation is coming. That's my predictor. I have trained myself out of becoming hopeful or imagining her getting better in this situation.
-I am still navigating boundaries with my parents and trying to advocate for both her and them as she frequently takes advantage of their time, emotions, and money.
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Hope37
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2017, 11:21:05 PM »

Thanks for the replies. The traits she shows are these:

  • Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self (how one feels about one’s self)
    Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
    A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate
    A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment
    Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours
    Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression
    Hostility
    Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations

Things have got much worse over the last few months. My dad is seriously considering separation if she won't see a Dr. and stayed at my home last night.  I am really worried and have reached out to mum's sisters to ask them for advice. Perhaps she will go see a Dr. if they suggest it too?

I've ordered copies of the Stop walking on eggshells book and workbook for my dad and I to work through and we spoke to a mental health support worker. We are doing all we can to keep ourselves well and ultimately I know we can only change our own behaviour.

Has anyone been successful at convincing their BPD relative to see a psychiatrist and get treatment doing the hard work required to get well? I'd appreciate your feedback.
   
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