Low Contact & Friendship

[DazedD40]

I'm at the start of trying to detach from my uBPD. We've been clinging on since the split and have been seeing one another, hanging out, having sex etc etc but knowing that there's no chance of us getting fully back together I've had to pull away. I know I'm no fortune teller but I think we both know how this plays out if I were to continue doing the above mentioned.

I'm finding things difficult with the break up as normally it all goes up in flames. We go in to immediate no contact/blocking mode without a second thought, however this time its amicable. She wants friendship between us and I guess I do too but is that going to be to hard? I'm hurting already and projecting in to the future about when I get that, I've found someone, bomb dropped on me. I still want for us to work things out but I do know that it's for the best if I detatch. How the hell can you do that if you remain in contact?

Has anyone managed this?

[heartandwhole]

Hi DazedD40,

I'm sorry that things haven't worked out that way that you wanted them to with your partner. That hurts, even when you see a lot of each other. I wasn't emotionally able to even talk to pwBPD, let alone see him, when we first broke up. But that is not the case for everyone. 

Does it feel like you are both holding on to something until someone else comes along? Why can't you be together? If this "new" relationship—seeing each other, hanging out, having sex—satisfying for both of you, then it may not be a bad thing. But it sounds more like neither of you can quite let go just yet.

Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandaid than peel it back slowly. Only you know what is right for you. I think friendship might be too hard when you aren't feeling detached. Once you do reach that stage, in the future, then maybe you can be friends with her. What do you think?

heartandwhole

[DazedD40]

Hi DazedD40,

I'm sorry that things haven't worked out that way that you wanted them to with your partner. That hurts, even when you see a lot of each other. I wasn't emotionally able to even talk to pwBPD, let alone see him, when we first broke up. But that is not the case for everyone. 

Does it feel like you are both holding on to something until someone else comes along? Why can't you be together? If this "new" relationship—seeing each other, hanging out, having sex—satisfying for both of you, then it may not be a bad thing. But it sounds more like neither of you can quite let go just yet.

Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandaid than peel it back slowly. Only you know what is right for you. I think friendship might be too hard when you aren't feeling detached. Once you do reach that stage, in the future, then maybe you can be friends with her. What do you think?

heartandwhole

In the past I'd never have entertained remaining in contact with her as the discards were hate filled. As mentioned we'd cut each other off completely. In part due to my needs in the relationship not being met. I'm kept away from her family circles and she has said she won't allow me in, ever. I've asked for a valid reason to this but she won't or can't give me one. We used to live together and we were a family unit, myself, her, her daughter and I was very much included. Since we got back together she refuses to tell her family we are together. She promised this would change but it never has and she now states she is no longer in love with me, doesn't want a relationship with me as she knows she can't give me what I need and want. I have always suspected that this is due to a smear campaign she led with her family making it impossible for her to tell them we were together.

We've always struggled to break the connection from one another so it makes sense for us to hold on but I'm holding on, well I was, in the hope we could work it out, she on the other hand doesn't share that hope. My gut feeling is that I'm being triangulated with her best friend as she is spending more and more time with her and went as far to cancel something we were going to do together in favour of doing it with her friend. We are now both single and although I'm projecting, she will find someone else and then her need for me is no longer required as she will have them met via her friend and new man.

I mentioned this to her and have said I recognise that I'm being friend zoned and pretty much removed myself from the triangulation by saying I can't do this anymore. If I cling on I'm going to get hurt but I do hope we can find friendship some how as I don't want to lose her from my life but st the same time I don't want to be her fail safe either, nor get caught up any of her future relationship issues.

I know I need to detatch from her, just wondering how to do it whilst staying in some form of contact with her and actually being ok with that and also not affected emotionally. At present I'm finding that really hard as I'm still heavily invested in her.

[Rayban]

DazedD40

I can relate on many levels. I've been in your shoes. The last recycle was very similar. We were broken up for close to a month. She contacted me, and I accepted to meet her. We agreed at that point that we would just hang out as friends. We slept together and spent a whole weekend together. Come Monday morning she drops a bombshell that she had a date that night. It was something that she had planned while we were apart. I took the decision to walk away when she said we could still be friends. I knew that meant being privy to seeing her with a myrade of guys while I put my life on hold for her while being in immense pain. I couldn't handle that.

Looking back, I believe she was already seeing my replacement and was also trying to triangulate me. That's a hallmark of BPD to create that aura of disireabilty. 

Are sure she's spending time with her best friend and not her new love interest. Maybe that's why she doesn't want her family to know?

[asiyah93]

I haven't managed this. Tried this before and it just didn't work. He made me think all would be normal between us, that he was supportive of my new relationship (even saying he's the only one who is), and when my privacy was violated by someone else, took that as an opportunity to ask me for a s*xual favor, justifying it with "well I was there before your husband, and I don't think it's fair that he gets to enjoy what's mine." One thing I've learned is that when a person isn't emotionally mature you cannot expect healthy, mature, adult relationships. I am at NC at this point with him. Don't care for his apologies or excuses and all of my empathy is gone. Hopefully, you will have better luck than me.

[DazedD40]

DazedD40

I can relate on many levels. I've been in your shoes. The last recycle was very similar. We were broken up for close to a month. She contacted me, and I accepted to meet her. We agreed at that point that we would just hang out as friends. We slept together and spent a whole weekend together. Come Monday morning she drops a bombshell that she had a date that night. It was something that she had planned while we were apart. I took the decision to walk away when she said we could still be friends. I knew that meant being privy to seeing her with a myrade of guys while I put my life on hold for her while being in immense pain. I couldn't handle that.

Looking back, I believe she was already seeing my replacement and was also trying to triangulate me. That's a hallmark of BPD to create that aura of

Are sure she's spending time with her best friend and not her new love interest. Maybe that's why she doesn't want her family to know?

The family thing is historical. I don't think they ever really liked me anyways but after the the discard that led me to move out, she started spiralling more out of control that meant she pushed and pulled me back in, willingly on my behalf I do admit and a following year of break up make up patterns she discarded me in the most hurtful ways. Leading up to it she had cheated on me and looking back I think she has cheated many times on me. She discards me and then, if my spidy senses are on the money, started smearing me and blaming everything on me and painting herself as the victim and that I was abusive to her. If I've got that right then there's no way she can let me back in, as the triangle would fall to pieces.

It's crossed my mind if there is someone else and if I'm honest I think there another target. You can't help but ponder that can you? That's why I want to detatch because I don't want or need to know and if there is someone else then I need to step out of the triangle and remove myself. She is predictable though and when she starts to devalue/discard me she goes back to her best girl friend who just so happens to think I'm the scum of the earth.

[roberto516]

I couldn't do it. I tried to. But then I went to a yoga class that she taught and she introduced me as a "friend". Once we left she said "Friend? Why'd I say that?" I said I don't know. Then she said "Let's try." So we did. Well it led to a week detachment and discard. After that discard she asked about being friends. I still remember my answer. "I can't be your friend and offer you emotional support until the day you message me telling you to leave me alone because you have a boyfriend."

Most recently, she needed my support. I gave it. Told her we couldn't be together. She said "Well what if I want to try one day?" Then she invited me down the shore as "friends". I agreed and said maybe we could see how we feel after that experience. Next day she changed her mind.

After all this I spoke to my dad. He was married before (and by the way he talks she sounds BPD). They were married and she cheated on him. After they split, but didn't divorce, he said they were meeting up, talking every day, etc. And he told her "Listen, I need an answer. Either we commit to this and go to couples counseling together to work on it or we don't." When he asked her the next day what her answer was she said "I've made a commitment not to commit to an answer." He immediately packed up the belongings she had at the home they bought, told her to pick them up, and he filed for divorce.

I feel like I was in the same boat. If we both fell out of love and were both mentally sound then a friendship might work. But I still loved her. And I wasn't going to compromise on that. Either we work on it as a team or we don't ever see each other again. It's a choice I"m comfortable with. I won't compromise on that ever. Relationships aren't about "Well let's just be friends and see if it changes." No. You make a choice or you don't. And if you do you prepare to put the work in to fix what went wrong.

Your situation is a bit different. But these are my perspectives.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Dazed,
   I have to second Rayban's thoughts. My final breakup was very cordial (on her part) with no hatred... .
but she had also firmly secured my replacement this time.

It became hate filled when she realized I wouldn't accept friendship and wanted to go NC. After her leaving 13x, always for other people, and coming back when she couldn't secure or lock them down... .
well I was done. I know I couldn't take her talking about this new "love of her life" a week after I threw a huge party for her and spent about 5K of my hard earned money to do something special. It took me 13 very painful times to finally "get it" but I have no regrets. This needed to wake me up so I could fix my issues, figure out why I kept going back to someone who consistently treated me like dirt.

I'm not a psychic, but from what you are saying I would suspect there may be someone in the pipeline and she is keeping her options open. Not being in a relationship but still having sex and doing things you typically did as a couple is allowing her to still have all the things she needs from you... .
only now without any commitment on her part. She can walk away at anytime, drop you on your head but that's not HER problem because you aren't in a "relationship".

And that's sort of shyty if you ask me.

I also second Heart and Whole in the belief you don't sound detached. NC would likely serve you good to help stop the falling back into sex and relationship activities for awhile. That space might make her mad but if so, that to me is pretty telling, especially that she might be stringing another guy along in addition to you and is now pissed she doesn't have a "security blanket" on standby.

No one can tell you what to do but I will say this... .as different as people are, many BPD's tend to possess very similar patterns regardless of gender, race or geographic location.

If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck... .

It sounds like you need to break your co-dependency on her. NC... .for more than a day... .more than a week... .ideally more than a few months will allow you to focus on YOU, what you want and then if you feel you can handle things with her possibly re-connecting then. You will also be stronger in the event she rejects you and shows her true colors.

Just a thought... .
All I know is if there IS someone nothing hurts more than when they treat you as their BFF exhaulting the new persons talents to you after dropping you on your a_ _. It really hurts the self-esteem and I for one could not deal with that.


PW
 

[DazedD40]

Hi Dazed,
   I have to second Rayban's thoughts. My final breakup was very cordial (on her part) with no hatred... .
but she had also firmly secured my replacement this time.

It became hate filled when she realized I wouldn't accept friendship and wanted to go NC. After her leaving 13x, always for other people, and coming back when she couldn't secure or lock them down... .
well I was done. I know I couldn't take her talking about this new "love of her life" a week after I threw a huge party for her and spent about 5K of my hard earned money to do something special. It took me 13 very painful times to finally "get it" but I have no regrets. This needed to wake me up so I could fix my issues, figure out why I kept going back to someone who consistently treated me like dirt.

I'm not a psychic, but from what you are saying I would suspect there may be someone in the pipeline and she is keeping her options open. Not being in a relationship but still having sex and doing things you typically did as a couple is allowing her to still have all the things she needs from you... .
only now without any commitment on her part. She can walk away at anytime, drop you on your head but that's not HER problem because you aren't in a "relationship".

And that's sort of shyty if you ask me.

I also second Heart and Whole in the belief you don't sound detached. NC would likely serve you good to help stop the falling back into sex and relationship activities for awhile. That space might make her mad but if so, that to me is pretty telling, especially that she might be stringing another guy along in addition to you and is now pissed she doesn't have a "security blanket" on standby.

No one can tell you what to do but I will say this... .as different as people are, many BPD's tend to possess very similar patterns regardless of gender, race or geographic location.

If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck... .

It sounds like you need to break your co-dependency on her. NC... .for more than a day... .more than a week... .ideally more than a few months will allow you to focus on YOU, what you want and then if you feel you can handle things with her possibly re-connecting then. You will also be stronger in the event she rejects you and shows her true colors.

Just a thought... .
All I know is if there IS someone nothing hurts more than when they treat you as their BFF exhaulting the new persons talents to you after dropping you on your a_ _. It really hurts the self-esteem and I for one could not deal with that.


PW
 

Thank you everyone for your replies.

If I'm honest I'm pretty sure there is someone she has her sights on! I don't think they are ready just yet but she's definitely in communication with someone. Around about a month ago she really wanted me to attend a leaving party for a male colleague that I had never met. She spoke very highly of him to me and I did have an alarm bell going ff which started getting louder when I advised her I wouldn't be attending. I had a suspicion she wanted to parade me around this guy in order to start a triangulation up. When I told her I wouldn't be attending, due to my suspicion, she became really off with me and later that day an argument happened and she went and gave me a three day silent treatment the weekend of her daughters birthday. When that ended that was when she said that she was no longer in love with me and didn't want to be in a relationship with me but that I was her best friend and that she wanted friendship more than ever. Clearly the sort of friendship that means she can still be treated like a princess and have all the spoils as she knows I still very much love her.

I haven't called her out over the co worker but I did call her out over her interaction with her friend and said that I can see she is replacing me with her and now getting emotional support from her and pointed out that eventually she'll have another duck buddy pretty soon meaning her need for me will no longer be there. She's now starting to ghosts communication with me as well. That really hits my seperation anxiety. We still talk but the frequency has changed now. I'm being fazed out in to her friend zone which I'm desperately trying to escape from.

[DazedD40]

She likes to parade individuals unwittingly around others. She's done it with me, like when she cheated on me, the very next week she paraded me in front of the guy. I didn't know that at the time but when she admitted that she had cheated on me I called her out and she confessed that she did do that. It's also happened in the past when she paraded me in front of her exes. I guess it's only a matter of time before she flaunts someone knew in front of me.